Learning To Forgive Yourself: Tips for Letting Go and Stopping Self-Blame
You can’t change the past, but you can change your reaction to it.
Introduction
There is a difference between being able to forgive yourself and making excuses for your mistakes.
If you’re reading this, then congratulations, you must be human! This means everything I’m going to talk about here today may be very relatable to you, and I bet, you’d have to agree with me that (except you are an alien from some unknown planet), you have had your fair share of self-blame and unforgiveness at one point or the other in your life. You must have had to grapple with some form of self-sabotage called self-blame.
Undoubtedly, we have all been at the lowest points of our lives, at a stage where we have cussed at ourselves mentally, filled our minds with the weight of self-blame, and refused to forgive ourselves for an occurrence or action that we may or may not have directly contributed to.
Sounds familiar?
Do read on!
As humans, we’re often plagued by self-judgment. The pain and unending anxiety of what could have been. This internal dialogue can lead to feelings of guilt and shame which, in turn, leads to us subconsciously judging ourselves harshly, and self-sabotaging through self-blame. This cycle can be hard to break at times and we could find ourselves feeling guilty without reason while also beating ourselves up with a “shoulda woulda coulda” mentality.
Learning to forgive oneself can be hard. It’s especially hard when you feel like you should have avoided the situation that ended up leading to self-blame in the first place. I know what it’s like to blame myself for something that wasn’t my fault, or sit there wondering why I did some embarrassing thing at work or with my family.
It can be difficult to forgive yourself.
You may feel like you have let yourself and others down, and that you are not worthy of forgiveness. You may also feel like you will never be able to move on if you do not forgive yourself.
The good news is that it is possible to forgive yourself, and doing so can be very liberating. Here, in this article, I’ve compiled some of the best tips for learning to let go of self-blame and forgiving yourself. But first, we would look at what self-blame means, and some clear cut ways to identify it.
What Does Self-Blame Look Like?
Self-blame is a common emotion and can be a source of personal and emotional pain. Perhaps you blame yourself for a family member’s death or the end of a marriage. In most cases, self-blame comes from an external source. For example, you blame yourself for choosing someone who treated you poorly but that wasn’t your fault. You don’t choose to have certain traits or tendencies – or people who treat us badly – but ultimately that’s out of our control. Instead, we can take responsibility for how we respond and adapt to having relationships with others.
What Causes Self-Blame?
One of the major causes of self-blame is unforgiveness. It can be difficult to forgive yourself, especially if you feel like you’ve made a mistake that you can’t undo. But self-blame can be incredibly damaging, both to your mental health and your relationships.
Many things can cause self-blame, including feeling like you’re not good enough, feeling guilty or ashamed of your actions, believing that you’re responsible for things that are out of your control, and comparing yourself to others.
Why Is Self-Blame Bad
One of the reasons why self-blame is not good for you is that it can stop you from forgiving yourself. When you’re always blaming yourself, you’re preventing yourself from moving on. If you’re stuck in the past, reliving your mistakes over and over again, you would be unable to learn from your mistakes, especially as you’re always spending the entire time beating yourself up over them.
What’s more, self-blame is unhealthy. It’s linked to depression, anxiety, and other mental health problems. It can also lead to physical health problems, such as heart disease and gastrointestinal problems.
Differences between Self blame and Self-Forgiveness
There is a difference between self-blame and self-forgiveness. Self-blame is when you are carefully taking responsibility for your own mistakes, but not paying yourself enough patience to learn to be forgiving of them.
Self-forgiveness on the other hand occurs when you accept responsibility for your actions but also forgive yourself for them.
You can’t have one without the other. If you’re blaming yourself for something that happened in your life, then there’s no way you’re going to be able to forgive yourself for it.
Why Is Self-Forgiveness Important?
Self-forgiveness is an important step on the road to self-acceptance. When we can forgive ourselves, we can let go of the guilt and shame that keep us trapped in cycles of self-blame.
Forgiving ourselves allows us to move on from our mistakes and focus on the present and the future. It allows us to be kinder and more compassionate towards ourselves, and it enables us to live more fully in the present.
How Can I Find Self-Forgiveness?
If you need to find self-forgiveness, and let go of self-blame, you must first be willing to accept that you can’t change the past, but you can change your reaction to it. The truth remains that remembering that forgiveness is a process, not an event, would help you find self-forgiveness easily. It takes time and practice to forgive yourself for past mistakes and other behaviors.
You may be able to forgive others for their transgressions, but it takes a certain amount of courage to forgive yourself when you have made mistakes. The more time passes, the easier it is to forgive yourself (and others). As time goes by, the pain of an experience fades with each passing day. Eventually, there will be no pain at all — just memories of what happened and how you acted in response. It’s important not to let these memories overwhelm you or make you feel sad or guilty about them. Instead, take advantage of them by using them as a tool for self-reflection and growth.
There are several things you can do to help you forgive yourself:
1. Give Yourself Time
Don’t expect to forgive yourself overnight. Allow yourself time to grieve your mistakes, and time to reflect on why you made them. Give yourself time and space to heal.
Be gentle with yourself. Forgive yourself gradually.
2. Acknowledge Your Feelings
Don’t try to suppress your feelings or ignore them. Acknowledge that you feel angry, sad, or ashamed, and allow yourself to feel those emotions. Be willing to admit you made mistakes and apologize if necessary. Talk to somebody about what happened. Expressing yourself can be very therapeutic, and it can help you come to terms with what happened.
3. Be Compassionate Towards Yourself
Accept that you are human and that you will make mistakes. Be gentle and forgiving towards yourself, and remind yourself that you are doing the best you can.
4. Commit To Change
Once you have forgiven yourself, commit to change your behavior so that you will not repeat the same mistake.
5. Look For Positive Role Models
Look for those who have made mistakes but forgave themselves, and let that remind you that you too can win with forgiveness.
6. Realize that the past cannot be changed
7. Seek out support from family and friends, or people you can trust
What Are Some Things to Keep in Mind When Forgiving Yourself?
When it comes to forgiving yourself, it’s important to keep a few things in mind. First, be gentle with yourself. Don’t expect to be able to let go of the past overnight. It takes time and patience to heal old wounds.
Second, permit yourself to make mistakes. We’re all human, and we’re going to make mistakes sometimes. That’s okay. Just learn from your mistakes and move on.
Third, focus on the present and the future. Don’t dwell on the past. The past is over and done with. The future is full of possibilities. focus on what you can do today to make your tomorrow a better day.
And finally, be patient with yourself. Forgiving yourself is not easy, but it is worth it in the end. Just keep going one step at a time, and eventually, you will reach your goal.
What Are Some Benefits of Forgiving Yourself?
Forgiving yourself has a lot of benefits. Here are some of them:
- It helps you let go of the past.
- It allows you to live in the present.
- It enables you to move on with your life.
- It allows you to forgive others.
- It leads to self-love and peace.
9 Signs You’re Exhibiting Self-Blame and Not Forgiving Yourself
If you’re not forgiving yourself for your mistakes and shortcomings, then you may be exhibiting self-blame in different ways. If you’re experiencing any of the following behaviors, it’s time to take a deep breath and realize that you can’t do everything yourself. You need to forgive yourself for your mistakes, failures, and weaknesses to move forward.
Here are 9 signs you’re exhibiting self-blame and not forgiving yourself:
1. You continually find excuses for your behavior, behavior that could be better if only you were different from who you are.
2. You keep a list of “shoulds” and “coulds” to make sure you’re in control of your life instead of letting the universe take over.
3. You never forgive yourself for past mistakes or bad choices because it would mean admitting defeat and letting go of control over your life again.
4. Your self-esteem is low because you feel like your actions don’t matter as much, and everyone else might be out there to cancel you.
5. You judge yourself harshly: If you find yourself judging yourself harshly or finding fault with every little thing that goes wrong, then it means that you’re not allowing yourself to learn from your mistakes. You don’t have any positive feelings about yourself at all times.
6. You feel guilty about everything: When we feel guilty about something, it means that we believe that our behavior caused another person pain. In other words, we believe ourselves responsible for another person’s pain/suffering.
7. You feel like a failure: When someone feels like a failure in their life, it usually means that they have low self-esteem or self-worth which causes them to behave in a certain way or think certain thoughts, which in turn causes them to fail at achieving their goals or dreams in life.
8. You’re consumed with self-blame: You think the world is out to get you. You blame yourself for everything that goes wrong. You think it’s your fault if someone throws a punch at you or if your house burns down. You feel guilty about being negligent in some way, shape, or form.
9. You constantly criticize yourself: You find yourself constantly criticizing yourself for not being perfect enough, beautiful enough, or smart enough in whatever situation you find yourself in — whether it’s school or work or even dating!
How Can You Practice Self-Forgiveness in Your Everyday Life?
One way to practice self-forgiveness in your everyday life is to be gentle and kind to yourself. Accept that you are human and that you will make mistakes. Acknowledge your feelings and permit yourself to feel them.
Forgive yourself for the things you have done wrong, and then let go of them. Remember that you are not your mistakes, and you can always start fresh tomorrow.
Conclusion
Learning to forgive yourself is one of the most important things you can do for your mental health. Forgiving yourself means that you’re fully accepting your actions and mistakes without holding onto anger or resentment toward yourself. Forgiving yourself is also remembering that you’re only human after all, and you don’t have to be perfect. And that’s completely okay!
It’s time to let go of the guilt and the blame. You’re only human, and you’re bound to make mistakes. It’s time to forgive yourself and start moving on.
All images are sourced at Unsplash.com
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