Why Mothers Should Have The Talk: The Uniforms Were Meant To Protect Amara
Amara was only five years old when it began. The thing about such occurrences is that no matter how much you tell yourself it never happened, your guts know it did.
Polygamy didn’t look good on the Achebes. There was a constant struggle for power amongst the wives and their children. Although it was all over as Kojo was married to only Ada now. Ada had birthed Amara, Nzube and Obinna, the only reason she stayed in the marriage anyway.
She gave birth to Amara at the Umuofia teaching hospital, that was before they moved to Benin. On that fateful day, Kojo was excitedly waiting for the birth of his ‘son’ only for a girl to emerge. He refused to go to the hospital because he was disappointed. He loved Ada so much that he wanted her son to inherit his properties. What could a girl child do anyway?
Ada was kind enough to let her stepchildren visit anytime they liked, well her husband was their father after all. She treated them like she would Amara and siblings. Although, the same could not be said for her stepchildren. They were mostly the reason for Kojo and Ada’s quarrels.
He visited when Ada was five. Just like every five-year-old, she was joyful and gullible. It started with the stare. His looks were different but how could Amara tell the difference. He began to buy her biscuits, the ones she liked. This made her trust him the most. If she wanted anyone to babysit her, he definitely was her request.
Then came the occasional touches. He touched her frequently at some sensitive parts of her body and made it look like it was a mistake. The brushes over her nipples, or the friendly pats on her buttocks. He was clearly imprinting his marks on her.
It finally happened. They were in the room with the others. Both of them lying down on the bed while the others sat down on the couch. It was dark and the only way to pass the time was to tell the younger children stories. While the stories were told, she felt a nudge at her bum. He was touching her and pushing something into her. It hurt for a while but it finally stopped. Maybe that was how stepbrothers and stepsisters played with each other, at least that was what Amara thought.
It became their thing. Nonso, Amara’s stepbrother was asked to watch over her most of the time and that was when they spent time together. He would ask her to take off her clothes while he does the same and then they would have sex. They even had their baths together. All the while, Amara was asked not to tell anyone including her mother, Ada.
She grew accustomed to it and it lasted for about a year. When she asked why they had to do this, Nonso told her it was because they were in love. She was in constant pain but she kept quiet about it. She had her doubts though. Why would uncle Nonso say they were in love and they expressed their love differently. She was in love with Obinna, her younger brother who was a year old but she knew she couldn’t do this with him.
On the day the end drew near, Nonso undressed Amara like it was their practice, and they slept with each other. Only this time, aunty Ugo was watching. She didn’t even bother to stop him or alert anyone. Aunty Ugo was Amara’s cousin who was way older than she was, so she was called aunty. Aunty Ugo called Amara to a corner that evening.
‘if you do not tell mummy, I will’.
Amara was scared. How could she tell her mother what has been going on between her and stepbrother? Yet, she knew aunty Ugo wasn’t bluffing. The following day, in the evening, when Ada dressed her for the night, she summoned the courage to tell her mother the secret. She simply said;
M…mommy, I don’t know, but Uncle Nonso is touching me funny.
That was enough to shake the family and enough for Kojo to send Nonso packing to the village. Amara never told them about what really happened, just enough to get aunty Ugo off her back. The truth was Amara was oblivious to the fact that she was sexually abused. What would a five-year-old child know?
Amara may have forgotten what exactly happened with uncle Nonso as she grew older but there were two things she could never forget, the feeling and the first night.
It took two other incidents to make aware of the damage uncle Nonso had caused and the fact that what he called love was indeed a sexual assault.
The first incident was when they went on playdates at Tega’s house. Tega was 16, Amara 7 and Ebimaye 12. Amara was the youngest in the clique of friends. Tega had a younger brother, Oke. While they played with other kids from the neighborhood in Tega’s house, Tega was sexually harassing her younger brother. She would undress him and do the unimaginable to him. It was the reaction of the people when Tega was caught that made Amara aware. They beat Tega up mercilessly. She wondered why Tega would receive such punishments for loving her brother.
The second incident was when a young man was caught trying to insert his penis into a young girl’s vagina in a public toilet. Amara could see the whole incident from her house as it happened next door. Ground pepper was rubbed on his genitals and he was stripped naked and almost burnt alive. Amara reckoned that if people reacted to such a thing, then what happened between her and uncle Nonso was wrong. He hadn’t loved her; he had abused her.
With the whole incident in the past, eleven-year-old Amara was sent off to boarding school in Enugu. It was a mixed school. She barely mixed up with the boys. It wasn’t her fault that she was all jumpy whenever a boy mistakenly touched her hands or paid too much attention to her. All the walls she built around herself could not protect her when the enemy attacked.
When Amara was in JSS2, she fell ill. The illness was such that she was hallucinating half of the time. It was then it happened. As she slept on the down bunk in her corner. She thought she was hallucinating but she wasn’t. Someone had lifted up her skirts and was fingering her.
That evening, Osasu came and told Amara of how she saw Ese touching her while she slept. What was wrong with these people? Why would no one stop the assaulters when they were caught? These were the thoughts that filled Amara’s head. She asked if Osasu was willing to testify against Ese and she affirmed.
The case was brought before house patron Isaac. He wanted to hear from the three of them. Amara and Osasu narrated their own encounters. It was then Ese began sobbing.
I swear on my mother’s grave I never did what I am accused of.
Amara had to apologize to Ese. Can you imagine they had believed Ese simply because she swore on her late mother’s grave? Like all rape or sexual assault cases, the victims never forget the feeling, and the abusers always denied.
During the term, Ese wanted to make it up to Amara so she helped out a lot. One evening, while Amara laid on her bed on the up bunk, Ese came up too. They talked and then Amara fell asleep. It was then Ese did it again. This time there was no hallucination. Amara’s body became alert but she didn’t alarm Ese by alerting her with the fact that she was awake. But, Amara just laid there, quiet. She wanted to scream but she couldn’t. She wanted to say stop but her mouth just won’t open. It was the thing with rape victims, they are always quiet. Amara quietly sobbed.
The following day, they had their baths together. The bathrooms were built in such a fashion that it could fit in close to 20 persons. So the girls had their baths together. While Ese had her bath in her corner of the bathroom, Amara stared at her and began to wonder;
How can she act so calmly, knowing what she did? Or did I imagine it? Of course, I know I didn’t. why will she do that to me?
If being sexually molested by her stepbrother who was male wasn’t enough, now she was being molested by her classmate who was female. She did what she knew how to do best, bottle it up and move on.
Having different boyfriends at different times of your life wasn’t all that bad but having three sexual assaulters at three different times of your life was a cause for alarm.
Amara’s cousin visited. They were the same age but Amara was older than him by two months. I mean it was Chike, they had grown up together and were inseparable. He was there when she started growing breasts, her first menstruation, and even her first kiss.
Vacation at the Achebe’s was all the Okonkwos had ever known. The children came over and it was how Amara and Chike had managed to grow up together. It was the Christmas holidays and like tradition, the Okonkwos came visiting. The children in the house were so much that they had to cook two sets of each meal and of course the chores doubled. The rooms in the house were limited and so everyone had to share. Amara and Chike slept on the same bed, while the others paired up too. She let her guard down, he was her beloved cousin after all. It was during this visit Amara broke.
In the nights while everyone slept, she felt Chike rubbing his genitals on her buttocks amidst other things he did. She wished she could talk to anybody, anyone who cared enough to listen. But there was always this fear, no one actually listened, she had tried in the case of Ese and was humiliated. Who would believe her when she tells them her 13-year-old cousin was molesting her? You know the rest – bottle up and move on.
Each time she saw her cousin, she wondered if he was even aware of the wrong he did. Even as they grew up to become adults, she wondered if he remembers the incident at all because she would never forget it. Yet, the demons kept asking; are you sure you didn’t make it up? Did Chike really do that? He was young, but I was young too. The conclusion was always the same, the feeling of the experience is always convincing.
When Amara turned 16, she was admitted into the Nsukka University. Amidst being sexually harassed, Amara was able to manage other aspects of her life. She was intelligent and came up tops in her class and that was how she was able to enter the university at such a young age. She was reserved most of the time, always on her guard, seldom talked to the opposite sex but she was easygoing, kind, and still gullible.
In her first year in school, she met Donald. Donald was a Bini boy from a well to do family. He had the devil’s eyes but I guess that was what enchanted Amara. He circled her like a vulture looking for prey. He was always in her business.
Amara, how are you? Have you eaten? How was the class?
She told him countless times to leave her alone but he didn’t. What could a naïve girl do when a handsome looking boy claims to love her? It was then she opened up to him that she didn’t want the kind of love uncle Nonso had given her but she wanted the kind of love she and Obinna had. He agreed and they started dating.
Indeed, this vulture ate its prey. It began with the kissing. He claimed it was only kissing. Then it graduated to make outs. He suggested that they had their baths together since they were in love and she agreed. As far as he didn’t do what uncle Nonso did while they had their baths, she was okay.
Donald had kept her fooled for over a year until their one-year anniversary. He sent over a cake, card and an invite to his place. She went joyfully. He served her Hollandia yogurt which was her favorite and that was the last thing she recalled. She woke up naked on his bed to a note.
Leave and don’t come back slut? It read. Amara cried her eyes out. She almost took her life but she was saved by a stronger will to live.
When Amara became 23 years old, she worked at a transport company. It was then she met Jide. Jide was handsome, kind, intelligent and honest. He fell in love with Amara but she had her cup full of love and didn’t want it to run over. Jide sent gifts but they were all returned. He asked Amara out on a date for five years before she said yes, just to get him off her back.
Their relationship was very awkward. They never met outside work, no unnecessary calls, no ‘I love you’ and all the things that make up a relationship. For Amara, it was only a tag but it meant so much to Jide that on their fifth anniversary he popped up the big question. As expected she said no but Jide was lucky enough to have asked her in secret.
How can I get Amara to marry me, Onome?
Ask her in front of everyone, she wouldn’t want to embarrass you.
Was Jide willing to risk taking Onome’s advice? Of course, he did. It was the perfect set up. The candles, balloons and the right ingredients of family and friends.
I want to be with you and cherish you forever and always, will you marry me Ama?
Y…Yes I will
Jide was grinning from molar to molar and Amara’s face was stone-cold. If not for the ‘say yes’ that echoed in the room, she was certain she would have said No. Marrying Jide meant she would have to do that ‘thing’ with him for the rest of their lives.
Two months into their marriage and they had not slept with each other but Jide was not complaining. Amara wondered how it was possible. He respected her decision. They had not even slept on the same bed. He had not even seen her naked and he was her husband for crying out loud. In the morning before she woke up, he would quietly take a shower, dress up and prepare breakfast. When he comes back from work, he does the same and then he sleeps in the guest bedroom.
One day, he said something to her. I know you said no ‘I love you, kind of talk’ but I want you to know that I truly love you Ama.
She brooded over that for a long time. Sometimes she caught him staring at her with desire in his eyes but there was never a follow-up action. He would just smile and take his leave. She sometimes felt like she denied him too much, in her vows she had said, ‘I give you my body’ but she was too scared to even trust.
Could we talk?
Yes, what is it you wish to talk about?
Don’t you wish to sleep with me? I know all men desire it especially men with wives.
Well, you want me to be honest with you?
Of course.
I do want to sleep with you, I think about it all the time. But your fear frightens me. I don’t want to hurt you. I’m afraid that would hurt me more than any sexual longing. If you haven’t noticed, you are always uptight, whenever I or any other man is in the room you are always on guard. I see your eyes watching with fear. You flinch at the slightest touch. Whatever happened?
When I was five….
She began to sob as she shared her pain with her husband. It was a bit relieving for her. It was the first time she spoke to someone and they listened. He suggested that she went for therapy and she did.
Mrs. Jide, you can take your time. The therapist said as she requested the same story Amara had recently told her husband.
Amara had questions of which some were answered but others required time. What is sex education? What was the difference between rape and sex? How does one know they are being sexually harassed? Where does one get sex education from? How does one help sexually abused patients?
Sex education is simply a process of educating young people and adults about sexual matters. The end result is supposed to be awareness. People become aware of different sub-topics under the subject matter ‘sex’; the what, how, when, where, who, etc. also, how it becomes abused, what to do, what it transmits and so much more. The major difference between rape and sex is ‘consent’. You have to be aware of what sex is before you consent to it. If then it is done against your will then it is rape. Preferably, the first form of sex education should come from mothers. Some mothers do not know why they should have the talk with their daughters or sons. It is the most awkward conversation parents can have with their children but it is advisable you start by educating them about their bodies. Telling them which parts are private and as they grow older, other issues regarding sex. Mothers also should pay attention to their children by asking them questions. Some NGOs, schools, health officials also provide sex education. The basic and paramount is therapy and support, trust and care from family and loved ones. It takes time to heal. It is always your right to say no.
Does this answer your questions, Amara?
I believe it’s been quite helpful, Dr. Uche.
Two months after therapy with Dr.Uche, Amara had begun to loosen up. She knew whom to have sex with, the why, and a lot more. When Jide came from work that evening, he took his shower, ate and went to the guest room. From his sleep, he awoke to a soft feminine figure lying down close to him with one arm spread across his body.
Ama, wake up. He said as he woke her up gently.
Hmm. Jide, you are up.
Yes, you are not supposed to be here. He said.
You’re the one who’s not supposed to be here, it’s the guest room remember?
I see.
Jide, I want us to consummate our marriage.
Are you sure?
Yes, I am.
With both of them giggling, he carried his wife to their matrimonial bed and he showed her how much he loved her. Nothing could have prepared her for the pleasure he gave. How could something so wonderful be abused so easily? She thought.
Do you find me lacking, you know, with my sexual experience and all?
I think you are just perfect. He said as he planted a kiss on her forehead and then drifted into sleep.
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