Who Are You, Really?
Who are you? Funny question I tell you. Does anybody really know who they are? As much as I love to ask myself this question, I have never gotten a satisfactory answer.
Now you may ask, who does she ask this question? Who has the ability to answer this question except the one who it concerns? Smart question, I’ll say in reply. And I’ll tell you who I’ve asked.
Better still, I’ll tell you what I’ve asked. I would tell you of the lengths I went to get an answer and still not getting any. I’ll tell you of the nights I stayed awake, wondering what exactly it was that I was doing here. I’ll tell you of the race I had run, that never took me anywhere. So much movement and yet no progress.
I’ll tell you of the books I read, books the bookkeeper recommended for my supposed illness, books he promised will help me discover myself and my purpose. I’ll also tell you of the near death experience I had while trying to discover who I was.
I’ll tell you of when I gave up, when I refused to continue to ask these questions. I’ll tell you of when I decided to give up the search for myself because I was tired. Tired of the confusion, tired of the heartbreaks, tired of the disappointment and delays all in an attempt to answer the question, who am I? I’ll tell you of how I finally gave up on finding myself. But that’s not all. I’ll also tell you of how in refusing to continue searching for who I thought I was, I found out who I really am.
I had always been a quiet child. The odd one out. Born into a family of twelve, mother and father inclusive. It was expected that I would be outgoing and boisterous, full of life, but unfortunately I was never any of those things. I would rather bury my head in books written in words that I didn’t even understand at the time than have a real life conversation with my siblings. I had four sisters and six brothers. Don’t ask me how my parents did it, sometimes I also wonder.
Daddy had a transport business. He started as a bus driver and after several years of toil and sleepless nights, he launched his own line of luxury buses for his transport business- ADEC Transport. Presently, he has branches in about ten states in the country. Point is, my father is a rich man. So is my mother but she is more of a career person.
Mother studied to become a Lawyer. She met my father while she was out of Law school, preparing to start her own practice. Daddy was still a bus driver then and their love story started in Daddy’s bus. An unlikely combination, I know. By the time they were ready to tie the knot, ADEC was already known in two states.
Mother too already had a healthy clientele with about six lawyers in her employ. When the children started coming, it was like they couldn’t stop. Apart from the set of triplets she had after me, it was almost like new babies were born every year. Mother had to cease being an active partner of her own firm and handed it over to some other trusted partners to run. That was thirty years ago.
I would not like to tell you all the details of how my siblings are faring. I refuse to be the narrator who tells their stories because, like every narrator, attention will be paid to the story and not the teller and I’m tired of being ignored.
One thing is worthy of note though, they all know what they are doing with their lives. Being the seventh child, I had a lot of people to look up to and none of them disappointed. They were all excellent at what they did. If there was a word better than excellent, that word will be my siblings. Even the triplets that came after me seem to be on the right path already.
Who Are You? My journey to finding myself.
Now, back to my story.
I had a boyfriend. Shocker, I know. I never thought I would ever have one though. I thought I was way too uninteresting for anybody to take an interest in me. I was always invisible to all members of the male specie excluding my father. Even my brothers treated me like I did not exist, like I was invisible.
I never had a problem with that though. I was used to being invisible so I played the role to perfection. So, when this young man walked up to me and introduced himself to me, I was taken aback. We became friends and in no time, I started developing feelings for him. Ours was a very crazy relationship.
He was the star of the school. Now, his stardom did not just come from being the best at everything in school. He was actually a child actor, so his face graced our television screens from time to time. Sometimes, he would go on short breaks from school to be on the set for a particular movie. How he managed to still have good grades, I would never understand.
As a result of his career, Kenneth was rich. Richer than most of us. So all the girls wanted him. You can imagine my shock when he picked me. The girls in my school at that time felt insulted and would go red with anger and envy every time I walked past any of them.
Prior to being the cynosure of all eyes, courtesy of my new relationship with Ken, I had no friends in school except Sandra. My savior. We had been close friends for a very long time. She was the only person I talked to and was comfortable with apart from my own self. Sandra and Ken became like my own family.
They became more real to me than my own biological family, and in them I felt like I had found a place. Like I had finally found a purpose, a meaning to my life and I liked the feeling. I took every word that came out of Sandra’s mouth as the gospel truth. And the words that came out of Ken’s mouth? To me, they were equivalent to the word of the ‘Most High’ himself.
Sandra told me what to wear, how to act, the right things to say and the right ways to eat whenever I was with Kenneth. She had vast knowledge in these things, owing to her three failed relationships and she told me that if I didn’t do those things, Ken would lose interest in me and find someone else. Someone more beautiful, that talks right, eats right and walks right.
The thought of losing Kenneth sent a shiver down my spine. It was a thought I didn’t want to revisit. Hence, I was ready to do just about anything to be the girl Ken would be proud of. Unknown to me, while I was still bothered if I was gradually resembling the girl Ken deserves, taking every word that came out of Sandra’s mouth, Sandra was busy sweet-talking my boyfriend.
I found out when she sent him a text message while I was with his phone. The text message threw me off balance. It read “It’s been a while since I’ve seen you. No wonder I’ve not been able to sleep well. I can’t wait to see your handsome face dear.”
I still remember it verbatim because those words are forever etched in my heart. Worse than that was the fact that I never confronted either of them about it. I was so scared of being alone because confronting them would mean losing my best friend and my boyfriend at the same time.
What would I have then? They were my identity. In them, I had my being. I couldn’t imagine being on my own for a second and so I kept quiet. I did not confront any of them about it and life went on as usual but I couldn’t help but be more suspicious every time Ken told me he had to step out for a while.
Fast forward three months later, the day I was avoiding creeped up on me. I knew they were having an affair. I had seen more texts on their phones. They had even had sex as references to their experience with each other were made continually in their text messages. How they managed to put on a facade, a very believable one at that, anytime I was around still beats me.
At night, when I was all alone, I would cry myself to sleep, wailing at the betrayal but in the morning, I would be the first to call them and wish them a good day. I didn’t want any of them to know that I was aware because that would force me to make a decision but eventually, that day came.
It was a Sunday evening. I tried calling Ken to tell him I was coming over but his mobile phone was switched off, so I just went over which I had never done before. When I walked into his room, I saw Sandra and Ken locked in a deep kiss. They looked ready to rip each other’s clothes off their backs. We never kissed like that. I was certain that was why he cheated on me and why Sandra never taught me how to kiss.
As wimpy as I was, I tried to give them privacy and walk out, then continue pretending that I didn’t know a thing but Ken saw me and stopped. “Anna!” Sandra looked away and tried to cover her face but she couldn’t decide which to do. Whether to avoid me or to plead with me.
I didn’t know how to react since I had always known and I guess Ken saw it on my face. “You don’t look surprised.” He stated. “I’m not. I know all about it. I even know when you started having sex with her.” I admitted. “And you were quiet?” He looked like his eyes were about to pop out of their sockets. “Yes.”
“Why?” Sandra finally whispered. “I didn’t want to lose you both. I love you both so much and I don’t know what I would do with my life without the both of you.” I had already started sobbing at this point. I saw them look at each other in something close to wonder and then confusion. “So you let us cheat on you?” Sandra asked slowly and I nodded. “That’s creepy, Anna.” Ken said. I didn’t think it was creepy. I didn’t know what it was but I knew how I felt. “I’m sorry.”
Now, Sandra scoffed. “Wow. You’re the one apologizing now? This is serious.” I didn’t know why her tone had changed. I didn’t do anything wrong, did I? “I’m sorry I caught you both. It was a mistake. It won’t happen again. Sandra, I wouldn’t mind sharing. We could be co-girlfriends or something.”
They continued to stare at me in shock until Kenneth said something. “This is freaking me out, Anna. How can you even say something like that? I can’t do this anymore. Please leave my house. I’ve been putting up with your creepiness for way too long. I’m done doing that. Please leave.”
At first, I didn’t understand. Then slowly everything started to make sense. Sandra still stood there looking at me like I was a freak show. A Frankenstein reincarnation. All the feelings I had kept suppressed for a long time started to creep up on me. Staring at both of them looking at me so fearfully, I felt a strong wave of anger come upon me and then I relaxed and left the room. It was the lowest I’ve ever felt. The saddest.
Losing the two most important people in my life in such a way opened my eyes to how unfairly I had treated myself. I realized how stupid I had been to allow myself be treated that way. It was then I became aware of my true character, my true potential, what I had the ability to be and become and I realized that I didn’t need any answer to my question.
On my quest for self-discovery, I had sought to find my meaning through others. I had in so doing betrayed myself. And so, I decided to redeem myself and decide who I want to be.
I am beautiful. I came to realize that it did not matter the abominable pimples on my face or the crazy stretch marks that lined the path to my armpits from my waist. How they found their way there, I would never understand. But gone were the days when they mattered. I realized that what I was is what beauty is. I defined my own beauty. I did not need Kenneth or anyone else who might claim to love me, to tell me I was beautiful. The only thing that mattered was how I looked at myself.
I am love. Even though hate looked me right in the eye and tried to make me move to the other side, I still choose love. Even though every human instinct I possessed screamed murder and hate, I still chose to close my ears to the screams. I refused to be tied up, to be held down, weighed down by hate. I chose love.
I chose to be free of all the hate. I am strong. It didn’t matter if I couldn’t lift a 25-liter bucket of water. I looked Sandra in the eye and I didn’t crumble. I watched Kenneth move on with my supposed best friend and I didn’t die of the pain although it almost wrenched my heart in two.
I decided that I was strong in every sense of the word. I am strong because I am alive. I am strong because I can smile. I am strong because I can laugh in the face of challenges. I am strong because I can look opposition in the eye and still come out supreme. I am strong because I can battle my fears. I am strong because every day, I am up on my feet, being unashamedly me and loving it. I am brilliant. A genius of the finest kind.
I don’t care if I don’t make the best grades in my class. I don’t care if I am not as brilliant as Akeelah the bee. I don’t care if I am not on the brink of finding a cure to cancer or some other deadly disease. I am all of these and more. Bottom line is I became who I wanted to be. I stopped asking the question about who I was but instead, I created my own identity for myself. Became the person I wanted to always look at in the mirror every morning.
I stopped looking for what was never lost because even as cliché as it sounds, every single thing I was looking for, everything I thought was lost that had to be found was right there. Right where I was. Just where I needed it to be.
So who are you, really?
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