I Hate My Boyfriend’s Mom

Jennifer twisted on the banister like a snake. Her waist was a little stiff yes but that ass more than made up for it at least in Jeremy’s eyes. He watched her closely as she suspended herself precariously on the air. Jeremy sat at the edge of his chair so he could reach out and catch her should calamity fall. He didn’t know what had made her decide she wanted to act like a stripper tonight but he knew he would find out.

“I read an article today,” Jennifer said as he gently massaged her aching calves.

“Another one?” he asked smiling and thinking that if his girlfriend gave the same attention she gave to reading articles to reading her books she would be on a first-class.

“Yes. I read that more than 70% of men have visited a strip club once in their life. Isn’t that terrible?” She asked him. Jeremy grunted knowing he shouldn’t interrupt her.

“Know one fun fact? Men who do this evil have wives and girlfriends who love them jealously like I love you” She cooed.

“I love you too baby,” Jeremy said passionately. He palmed her butt and she giggled.

“What do you have to say about it, Baby?”

“All I have to say is. When a man has you, he doesn’t need no stripper,” Jeremy said turning her around.

“That’s not a very intelligent response,” She said giggling. He put his mouth over hers. He knew too much about women, sometimes only a kiss can shut them up.

“Let’s go to bed, baby. Early day tomorrow,” He said, kissing her neck.

“Carry me?” She asked with that childish pout that never failed to turn him on.

“You don’t have to ask,” He replied.

***

“I played stripper for Jeremy last night,” Jennifer announced as soon as she caught up with her friend Delia.

“Uhhh. Lucky guy!” Delia said and Jennifer giggled. “Since when do you play stripper though?”

“Since I read in an article that opened my eyes to the truth: strippers steal so many of our men away,” Jennifer said.

“Oh, another article,” Delia murmured.

“Yes. I don’t know. How can I love to read so much without being able to write? Is that normal?” Jennifer asked as they entered the hallway leading to their class.

“You’re not a regular girl, don’t you know that?” Delia asked. Jennifer pushed her friend’s arm playfully but she looked pleased, which might have been the main reason for the comment in the first place.

“That’s not a real answer,” She said smiling. Her friend wasn’t listening to her anymore. A tall dark man with gold dreadlocks was passing by with his friends.

“What did you say?” Delia asked when the guy had passed and she had regained her senses.

“Nate,” Jennifer said with a sigh. “You know we are in our third year right? Only one year to go. When are you going to man up and tell the guy you have lost your head over him?” She asked.

“I can’t do that. You know very well that I am a traditional black woman. My proud heritage won’t let me,” Delia said with her head held high.

“Don’t kid yourself, you’re not a traditional Black woman. You’re an idiot” Jennifer said, and she pushed open the door to their class.

***

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“I think you are cute,” Jeremy said as he stared at the ceiling. They were lying in bed tiredly after a day of swimming for so long in the lake a few miles away from school. “I am sure that is what Mom will love about you”

“She might, she might not. Why do you think I am cute?” Jennifer asked turning to him so she could watch his face as he answered.

“The kinds of things you do, extraordinary!” Jeremy said with a laugh.

“Aww. Wait, what do you mean by extraordinary?’’ she asked.

“You remember that time you insisted I take you to Disney World and you chose to wear that small little girl’s dress that was so scandalously short?” Jeremy asked.

Jennifer laughed out loud “Yes, I remember”.

“My God. You scared a lot of little boys that day,” he said.

“It was good scarring!” Jennifer exclaimed, leaping on top of him.

“You’re choking me, Woman!” Jeremy protested.

“I want to scare you too,” Jennifer said.

“You know the right way to do it!” Jeremy shouted, his voice muffled by the pillow she was pressing down into his face. Jennifer giggled and let him go.

“You watch your mouth, old man,” she said. They lay there laughing for a moment.

“I love you, Jenny,” Jeremy said gathering her into his arms. “I want you to come with me to my family’s get together this weekend, so you meet my family.”

“Don’t we have classes Monday next week?” Jennifer asked and regretted it the minute it left her mouth.

“Yes, but we have missed classes for less serious stuff. What do you say? I want everyone to meet you. Especially “my mom,” Jeremy said. Jennifer was silent for so long, he was almost sure she was about to say no.

“OMG! I need to go shopping, my trampy clothes won’t do” She said covering her blushing face with her hands. Jeremy laughed and kissed her knuckles.

***

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The house was huge and gray with flowers and small trees on both sides of the driveway. Jeremy drove his small Mustang and packed it right in front of the house. They sat there staring at the house for a few minutes.

“You ready?” Jeremy asked. Jennifer looked at him and he cleaned off the perspiration on her forehead with his finger.

“At this rate, I will never be ready, so let us just go inside,” She said. Jeremy smiled and squeezed her hand.

When they pushed open the door it was like entering a whole new world. There was gold everywhere, all the pillars and even the furniture had gold edges and they glittered. The house was noisy and full of people milling around, laughing, playing card games and watching a football match on the huge TV screen.

“Jeremy brought his girlfriend,” one of the middle age men watching TV cried in a singsong voice as they entered. Everyone turned to stare at the young man and woman standing just inside the door. Jennifer was expecting Jeremy to greet them so she was already taking a step into the living room when he pulled her with him and he fled towards the opposite end of the house.

They entered into a large hallway and he turned to her, “Those people are dangerous. When they get like that and are about to ask questions your best bet is to run as fast as you can” He said.

“You’re kidding,” Jennifer said

“I wish I was,” He replied. “Mom! MOM!”

They found his mom in a room at the end of the hallway. It was obviously her room because, as impossible as it sounded there was more golden stuff there than in any other part of the house. She was a dark quiet woman whose small stature was at odds with her large taste.

“My Baby,” His mother opened her arms and Jeremy rushed eagerly into them. Jennifer raised an eyebrow, noticing that he had never hugged her as tightly he was hugging his mother. They both stood there for minutes whispering sweet nothings to each other, the time Jennifer spent looking at Jeremy’s mother’s impressive collection of exotic perfumes.

“And who is this fat ass girl you brought into my bedroom?” His mother asked, suddenly appearing behind Jennifer.

“Umm, I am..” Jennifer had started to voice an apology but she was cut off by Jeremy’s reply.

“This is Jennifer Mom, She is my girlfriend,” He said.

“Your girlfriend huh? You are welcome, my dear,” She said but her eyes said differently and she turned around before Jennifer could hug her.

“Mom she’s studying engineering, the same as me and she’s really brilliant,” He squeezed Jennifer to him as he said that and she felt better.

“Oh really. Come on, let’s go meet the rest of the family”. She said and she took her son’s arm so all three of them were walking together. Jennifer didn’t like it.

***

“How do you see the house?” Jeremy’s mother asked. They were standing at the sink washing dishes that seemed like they would never finish. The front of her beige dress which she had bought to please his family was covered in soapy water from the sink.

“It is large and beautiful,” Jenifer said.

“That’s sweet, thank you,” she said. When Jennifer kept staring at her face, she raised a neatly trimmed eyebrow.

“I was wondering how you cope with the housekeeping of this big house,” Jennifer said.

“I don’t. I have helps” Jeremy’s mother said.

“Where are they?” Jennifer asked.

“Gone. This is a family gathering. Don’t want no stranger snooping around and asking questions” She said. Her tone was not friendly like her smile so Jennifer was able to detect the insult in the remark.

“What are we going to make for that noisy crowd,” She asked Jennifer.

“What do you mean?” Jennifer asked confused.

“A meal. In times like this, what do you cook for my son?” she asked.

“We normally just order pizza,” Jennifer replied. The older woman gasped.

“So it is all pizza in that fat ass of yours. No wonder you don’t know how to wear an apron in the kitchen. Just look at your dress!” she exclaimed. Jennifer looked down at her new dress and almost wept. Knowing that she had forgotten to wear an apron because she was trying to make sure she got to the plates before Jeremy’s mother made it more painful.

“I’m sorry,” She blurted.

“For what? I’m the one who is sorry for you. Get inside the house and get changed. I’ll finish up here. You’re no good at it anyway,” The older woman said shooing Jennifer out of the kitchen.

***

Jeremy was lying on the bed when Jennifer got in but he turned around to face her when he heard the door open.

‘Woah! what happened to your dress?” he asked.

“Your mother happened! I’m fed up with all her sideways glances and her snarky remarks!”

Jeremy jumped off the bed and came to stand in front of her. “Calm down baby. Let’s go outside and talk.”

They went outside and stood on the balcony watching the stars, Jennifer’s anger slowly faded and she began to think that maybe she shouldn’t have spoken out of anger.

“My father and I used to come out here every night to play the harmonica and sing when I was young. We would play for hours until my mother becomes frustrated and shouts from downstairs “If you want to come in, come in and if you want to stay out, stay out!” Jeremy said.

“Why does your mother love gold so much?” Jennifer asked.

“Oh that. My mother fancies herself a dragon and as she says, every good dragon should have a nice hoard of gold,” Jeremy said and laughed.

“That’s quirky,” Jennifer said despite herself.

“Yes, she is. Under that hard exterior, there’s a softie just waiting to love you,” He drew her to himself.

“I’m tired, Jeremy,” Jennifer said. She attempted to pull away from him but he held fast.

“No no, don’t do that to me,” Jeremy said, “We just got here and you promised you’ll stay with me till the end. It is just two more days Jenny, please.”

He looked so pitiful Jennifer felt even worse. “Alright, I’ll stay,” She said tiredly.

“Yaaay!” Jeremy said and he bent down to kiss her.

“Jeremy!!!” His mother’s voice penetrated their happy bubble and Jennifer frowned.

“Yes, ma!” Jeremy said, “I’ll be right back baby.”

Jennifer picked up her phone and typed in Delia’s number “Delia!” she whined when her friend’s face popped up.

“Whatsup bitch!” Delia said, “You’re at your mother in laws right?”

“Don’t call her that,” Jenny said. Delia burst into loud laughter. “Would you stop laughing and listen to me?”

“Alright, I won’t laugh anymore. What happened to you? You were so happy when you left.” Delia said.

“Why does his mother hate me? Why can’t she find a teeny space in her heart and put me there?” Jennifer said.

“WAIT. I think I’ll need some popcorn for this,” Delia said and she disappeared for a minute only to appear with a giant bowl of popcorn. Jennifer was not pleased.

“Aren’t you being too hasty? How do you know she hates you?” She said around a mouthful.

“She keeps calling me “Fat ass”, keeps making snarky comments and making me feel like the dumbest person on earth!” Jennifer said.

“That’s harsh,” Delia said.

“It pains me. I don’t know why. Maybe it is because I so looked forward to her accepting me.”

“I know what you have to do,” Delia said.

“What is that?”

“Stand up to her. This woman is definitely a bully and the only way to stop her from picking on you is to stand up to her,” Delia said to her. Jennifer looked in her friend’s eyes and she realized she had been right to befriend her two years ago. She ended the call abruptly and walked quietly back to the room she and Jeremy shared.

***

“Let’s pray,” Jeremy’s mother said. Every member of Jeremy’s family was seated at the table. Jennifer put her hands in front of her and stared at all of them closing their eyes piously. She already felt a deep dislike for the lot of them, their permed hair, smooth skin and their mouths quivering in prayer.

Soon enough they were done with the prayer and everyone was asked to open the dish in front of them. Jennifer’s dish contained a vegetable salad she couldn’t place and didn’t want to put in her mouth.

“Jennifer dear,” Jeremy’s mother called when they were halfway through dinner. Before she spoke everyone had been chattering amiably. Jennifer was shocked to hear the woman call her by her name.

“Yeah?” She replied after a moment of silence.

“When you eat, try to get your elbows off the table, okay?” She said.

“No,” Jennifer said. Everyone turned towards her.

“What do you mean?”

“I am here,” She indicated the under her chin “in the muck of your snarky comments and your veiled insults.”

“Calm down Jenny,” Jeremy pleaded. Jennifer dismissed him with a wave of her hand, her voice was rising.

“I understand you do not like the girl your son brought home but you have to know that I am precious to my mother too! My mother would never behave like you,” Jennifer continued. “You are obviously a woman wallowing in her insecurities and the fear of her son marrying and leaving her cold and lonely.”

She got up abruptly from the chair and stared at all of them, the rage making her shake. Then she walked out of the door as though she wasn’t already regretting saying those words. Trying to pretend she wasn’t missing Joe who was still sitting at that table, too shocked to come after her.