When an African Woman Decides to Break All the Rules
If you’re an African woman, you don’t need anyone to hand you a physical rulebook. The rules were etched into your subconscious from birth. The unwritten handbook of the African woman is passed down from generation to generation through knowing glances, whispered warnings, the occasional dramatic sigh from a mother or aunt, and centuries-old traditions. You never actually see the book but you learn every page by heart.
“A woman is to be seen, not heard.”
“A respectful woman never talks back.”
“A good woman is obedient and knows how to cook”
“A successful woman must be humble or she will chase men away”
“Getting married and having children are the ultimate goals of your existence”
“No matter how much you earn, your husband is the head.”
“Thou shall not bring shame to the family.”
I could write on and on because the list is endless.
These rules dictate how an African woman is expected to behave, what she should aspire to, and what she must sacrifice. They shape her choices, limit her ambitions and decide how much or how little of herself she is permitted to be. But what happens when she dares to break free? What happens when she chooses to be authentic self over decades-old unspoken rules?
Well, buckle up, because that’s where the drama begins.
Breaking The First Rule: “Who Do You Think You Are?”
The moment an African woman decides to step outside the confines of tradition, the first reaction from society is shock.
Usually, the first step of rebellion starts subtly. Perhaps she starts to question why certain rules apply to women only. Then she graduates to refusing to be typical, to shrink herself into the mold that has been carved out for her by society.
Let’s picture a young woman, we will call her Temilade. The first daughter in a conservative Nigerian family, the pride of her parents until one evening at dinner when she announces that she is quitting her doctor job to become a content creator.
Silence fills the room, cutlery drops to the plates with loud clatters. Her mother clutches her chest like she is about to have a heart attack. Her father removes his glasses, rubs his forehead, and sighs deeply (the universal sign of the African parent’s disappointment). Then comes the inevitable question: “Temilade, who do you think you are?”
Because in many African cultures, choosing your own path, especially one that deviates from the norm, is not just rebellion but a threat to the family’s name, an abomination. Women are expected to go with the plot, not try to rewrite it.
The Family Meeting: When Emotional Blackmail Begins
Phase two of the drama is the emotional blackmail session disguised as a “family meeting”.
When an African woman decides to break the rules, it is not a matter for private discussion, it’s a family emergency and there is a need to call for backup
The elders will gather and sit in a semicircle, maybe on the couches in the living room of the family house or long benches outside the house if the matter is very serious. Someone will pray to start the meeting and dramatically quote a part of the Bible or Quran that talks about obeying and honoring parents. A potbellied uncle who didn’t contribute a dime to her education will clear his throat and say,
“In our time, women knew their place.”
“Oversabi” aunties will fold their arms under their breasts and shake their heads dramatically whispering, “She wants to disgrace this family. We knew it. Too many books will cause this.” Her mother will say, “What did I do to deserve this? This girl wants to kill me” while dabbing imaginary tears with her wrapper.
At this point, emotional blackmail is unleashed in its full glory. The goal is to convince her to return to the right path, the path of quiet obedience, and societal approval.
“Do you want to kill your mother?”
“Why do you want to drag our family name in the mud?”
“You think you know better than your elders?”
“What an elder sees sitting down, a child can’t see even from the tallest tree.”
If emotional blackmail doesn’t work, threats are up next.
“We will disown you before you disgrace us.”
“No man will marry a woman like you.”
“You will regret this.”
But the African woman who has chosen the path of freedom is way past the point of no return and is no longer afraid of words like these.
Overcoming The “What Will People Say?” Syndrome
Up next is the fear of public opinion. An African society strongly believes that public opinion matters more than personal happiness. A woman’s choices, big or small, good or bad, are never just her own, they say a lot about the kind of family she is from.
If she chooses a career like being a surgeon, they ask, “How will she have time for her husband and children?” “Who would want to marry such a busy woman?”
If she’s unmarried by 30, the whispers start, “She must be too picky and proud.” “She will soon reach menopause o.”
If she chooses to be unmarried and chase her ambition, they say, “Who will take care of her when she’s old?” “Chai, she doesn’t want to give her parents grandchildren.”
If she divorces a serial cheater called her husband, the aunties say, “All men are like that. She should have endured like the rest of us.”
The fear of what people will say has raised generations of women with unfulfilling careers, marriages that feel like prison, and lives that they don’t even recognize.
But the moment she stops caring about what people will say, the stares, the muffled laughter, the whispers, the subtle jabs in the form of advice, she becomes unstoppable.
The Double Standards Suited for Men
We don’t talk enough about how hypocritical the African society is.
When a man breaks societal norms, he is the “odogwu silencer”, bold, fearless and ambitious. If a man chooses to travel the world and not get married, he is on a journey of “self-discovery.” If he is 40 and unmarried, he is “focused on his career and getting the bag.” A man who refuses to tolerate nonsense is “strong-willed and setting boundaries.”
Heaven forbid that an African woman does the same. She is stubborn, proud, disrespectful, and reckless. She has started associating with the wrong company.
Society is so quick to forgive men but has such a short leash for women. If you, as an African woman, break the rules, heaven will fall and hell will let loose. You will be questioned, judged, criticized, and mocked. If care is not taken, you might just lose your mind.
The Freedom & The Price She Pays
Someone once said, “Nothing is free, even in Freetown.” Nothing in this world comes without a price. Breaking the rules as an African woman comes with freedom but also a heavy cost. She gains the freedom to live life on her terms.
She starts to have a deep sense of self-worth and confidence, something she only saw or heard of in “white people movies.” She is free from societal pressure and toxic expectations from overbearing family members. Most important to me, she gets the chance to inspire other women to challenge the status quo and break free from these rules that hold them down from spreading their wings and soaring higher than they ever imagined.
Of course, she will lose the approval of her family members (but who did societal approval ever feed?) She will lose relationships with people who just cannot wrap their heads around how a woman can be so audacious. She will lose the comfort of fitting into traditional spaces and being called a typical African woman.
The Power of an African Rule-Breaker
When an African woman decides to defy societal norms, she doesn’t just free herself, she starts a revolution and creates a path for others to follow. Yes, she will be judged and mocked. People will wait for her to fail. She will face resistance and lose the approval of people who don’t care about her anyway. But, after all is said and done, she will gain herself, and that is the ultimate victory.
African women are waking up. Women are choosing to pursue their dream careers, challenge traditions, and live unapologetically. Women are starting businesses instead of waiting for “Prince Charming” or a “knight in shining armour” to come to save them from financial incapacitation.
Women are leaving abusive relationships instead of enduring suffering like our mothers did. Women are speaking up instead of staying silent like they’ve always been told. The scene of the world is changing and African women are becoming the main characters. They are leading revolutions and igniting fires of self-discovery.
To you, a beautiful African woman who dares to burn the pages of the unwritten rule book and live differently:
Your courage is rewriting history.
May your light shine brighter.
May your voice be heard loudly in every room.
May your wings soar higher.
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