Body & Soul

The cold night breeze caressed her skin like an invisible embrace. It felt like a reassurance; that all would be well after her next step. A teardrop dared try to betray her resolution and she wiped it off in a cold fury.

Death’s cold embrace… It’s strangely comforting.

She looked down at the train of lights from cars moving slowly in heavy traffic. They looked like guiding lights that were already welcoming her into paradise.

Bliss… finally.

After taking three deep breaths she said a quick prayer of forgiveness to God and her single mother. She had tried her best to hold on, to forgive and forget, to let go and let God. None had worked.

She still hated her guts.

Lifting herself for a jump, she found herself recalling memories from her early childhood to her present moment. It had been a mixture of pleasure and pain. More pain, though.

“Woah! What the hell do you think you’re doing?!”

She didn’t bother to turn around to recognize the familiar voice. She already knew who was screaming at the top of his lungs. The pain in each note was unmistakably his, no doubt.

“Why would you do this to yourself? Why would you try to hurt your precious body? Why would you try to harm your beautiful soul? If you leave, what will happen to your mom? You’re all she has! She’s going to have a stroke and die! Is that what you want? You’re seriously going to be that selfish?”

“Precious body? Beautiful soul? Don’t make me laugh. I hate myself so fucking much! I hate my body. I hate my mind. I hate how weak-willed I am. I hate everything about my existence. I just want to sleep and never wake up. I don’t wanna live anymore. I’m so tired.”

After what seemed like an eternity, she turned around to face the owner of the voice that had dared to stop her from doing something that had taken her months of conviction to build.

He stared back hard, undaunted, even challenging. It was almost as if he was daring her to ask him why he stopped her.

Mary let out a frustrated sigh and came down from the railings. Even if she wanted to, she could no longer picture herself jumping off the building. He had already toyed with her conviction.

“What do you want from me, Joe? What?!”

“Well, first off… I’d rather not have someone jump off my roof. If you want to kill yourself, use somebody else’s rooftop, biko.”

She found herself taking shaky steps towards her unwelcome saviour. At the end of the day, she was grateful someone saved her from going to hell. Still, she couldn’t help but feel suffocated in her current hell.

“I can’t believe you’re still clowning right n…”

Just as Joseph started walking towards her with outstretched arms, he noticed Mary was going down slowly. Confusion spread across his face like butter on bread.

What’s wrong?!

“Mary, what’s wrong?!”

His legs moved faster than his mind told him to. Each second mattered if he was going to ensure her safety.

“Mary! Mary! Look at me! Stay with me! I’m going to get you help. Don’t give up on me. Don’t…”

He watched her eyes close softly as her hands fell limp by his sides. Joseph refused to quit, though. He ran down the stairs while holding on to her like his entire world would come crashing if she slipped from his arms.

I’m going to save you, I promise!

************

Joseph subconsciously counted the fifth ambulance that had rushed in an emergency patient since his arrival. All around him, he heard monitors beeping, families wailing, and doctors barking out orders.

But none of that interested him.

All he could think of was the woman lying motionless in front of him. The woman he had admired for so many years.

What could have made a strong, independent woman like Mary want to kill herself? Why?!

He was still fighting back tears when he noticed her lashes flutter before opening wide. His palms found hers reflexively and remained there while he shouted to the nearby nurses that she had woken up.

Mary squinted at the hospital lights before shutting her eyes once more.

“Sorry… It’s too bright in here. It’s giving me a headache.”

“It’s fine, Mary. What’s wrong? Why did you faint earlier? What’s going on? Why did you try to kill yourself?!”

His questions got drowned out in the bustle of the medical staff that were running various tests on her. He waited quietly for the doctor to approach him after running the tests even though his smartwatch indicated that he had already taken a thousand steps in the brief period.

“It’s nothing serious. She’s just suffering from acute stress, anaemia and dehydration. She will be fine with adequate rest, some supplements and lots of water. You can see her now, but please, no triggering topic. Avoid any subject that will put her under stress.

Normally I wouldn’t allow the patient to have any visitors right after waking up, but you look like you’re going to be admitted yourself if care isn’t taken so go, lover boy. Just remember, no stressful subject. Enjoy the rest of your evening.”

As soon as the doctor turned to leave, Joseph ran to Mary’s side to resume his hanholding.

“Joe, can I ask you for a favor?”

“Sure, Mary. What do you need?”

“I don’t want my mom to know that I’m here. She’ll have a heart attack if she does. You know she’s hypertensive and she had that partial stroke last year. I don’t want to put her under any kind of stress.”

“You’re joking, right? You don’t want to put her under any kind of stress but you wanted to kill yourself?! Help me make that make sense, please.”

Joseph caught a silent tear running down the corner of her eyes and cursed himself inwardly for being too harsh on her.

“Alright, fine. I’ll tell the hospital to not call her. But you have to promise me that you’ll be up and running by tomorrow morning. You got that?!”

“Sure.”

“Aiit. Let me go and make up an excuse for your absence.”

A weak hand held him back as he turned to leave.

“Thanks, Joe. I owe you one.”

“You got that right. I’m not letting you off the hook just so you know. You’re still going to answer my questions, Mary.”

“Sure thing, Joe. Now go call her quickly. Knowing her, I’m sure she has already started calling all my friends’ contacts on her phone to find out my whereabouts.”

After calming her mother, Joseph broke into a half run as he made his way back to Mary’s side. The only thing he could think of was finding out why Mary had wanted to kill herself. They had known each other since she was six and he had always known her as a positive, strong-willed woman. He couldn’t wrap his head around why she would want to kill herself.

“I’m back, Mary. Now, tell me. What the hell happened to you to make you want to kill yourself? In my house for that matter. What if I had shown up five seconds afterwards? You’d be dead, Mary! Dead!”

“I know! I know. Just… just calm down please. I’m dealing with a lot right now.”

“No shit, Captain Obvious. Now, tell me. For real, what’s wrong??”

Mary watched the fear and worry etched on the face of her best friend of almost two decades. They had been lovers at some point, but they had later concluded that their friendship was the best option and resorted back to being best friends. Even though she knew that no man would ever Iove her as sincerely as Joseph did.

“I started to hate myself.”

“Why?”

“Because I’m filthy.”

“Why do you think so?”

“I’m a murderer.”

“Wait, what?! What do you mean?”

Silence.

After what seemed like an eternity, Joseph watched Mary scratch a spot on her face that he was sure he had bored a hole into with his intense staring.

“I’ve aborted five babies, Joe. All for that bastard. I still can’t believe myself. I hate my guts. I’m a murderer.”

Her announcement shook the foundations of his faith in the knowledge he had had about her. His sweet innocent Mary had had five abortions? He couldn’t believe his ears.

“Who is this bastard?”

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Mary sighed wearily.

“After we decided to go back to being friends, I met a guy. Raymond. Lol, he’s the man that turned my life upside down. I became a completely different person after meeting him.”

“How? What exactly happened?”

“He was your typical bad boy. I don’t know what came over me, but I’ll just conclude that I was going through a bad boy phase. He smoked, drank, did drugs, name it.”

Joseph stared hard at the woman he had thought he knew for over two decades.

Bad boy phase uhn? I guess the toxic guys always win at the end of the day.

“I fell hard and stupid for the guy. There was nothing I didn’t do for him. I gave him my school fees twice, only to hear that he used it to gamble. And lost. I tested pregnant five times even though I always begged him to use protection. The ladt abortion damaged my womb and the doctor said I can never carry a baby in womb again.

There are so many other things that I have done for that dumb ass idiot that I can’t even mention. All I know is that I have wasted my life on the worst person on earth and I have nothing left to live on. I just want to rest. I’m too tired.”

Joseph watched every sigh, every breath, every tear, and soaked it all in. It was almost as if he was getting to know her for the first time. And in a way, he was. He was getting to know this side of her for the first time. He was also probably the first person she had told any of the things she had mentioned earlier.

She had gone through a lot.

“Mary, do you know why I asked you out so many years ago?”

“No. For the life of me, I’ll never know. There were so many prettier girls. They practically threw themselves at you. You are handsome, well-spoken, smart, fun, and sweet. I legit had to fight off some stalkers for a while when we started dating.”

It’s one of the reasons why I asked us to break up. You were too good for me. You always were, and always will be.

“It’s because you were too good for me. You were wayyyy outta my league. Did you know?”

“Uhn? Way outta what? Me? How? That’s preposterous, man! Me? Too good?”

He laughed heartily. The familiar music filled Mary’s heart with fond memories of their childhood. He was indeed a man among men. He was too good to be true.

“Yeah Mary. You’ve always been beautiful. Bold. Bright. Independent. Strong. These were the words that came to mind whenever I thought about you. Anyone can be beautiful, but not everyone can be bold or strong.”

“Hmmm….”

“Being around you always felt warm. You were like the sun to me. Bright and warm. Endearing. I wanted you all to myself and that’s why I asked you out. You’ve always been that way to me. You’ve always been beautiful inside out; body and soul. So don’t.”

“Don’t?”

“Don’t what?”

“Don’t look down on what I’ve cherished my whole life. It breaks me to see you this way, but even more, I feel like it’s partly my fault. If I hadn’t stepped back and withdrawn because you asked to be friends again, you wouldn’t have that bastard, you wouldn’t be lying here in the hospital hating your very existence.

Your existence matters to me, Mary. Thank you for holding on all these years. Thank you for surviving every storm. Thank you for being here with me right now. And I know that your choosing my rooftop to jump from was like a final cry for help. I should have known when you suddenly came to visit after all these years.

Thank you for trusting me with your life. Thank you for coming to visit me. I promise, you won’t ever have to go through that pain again. I won’t leave you. Ever. Thank you so much….”

Joseph was bawling on their palms. He had clasped her left palm in both of his and rested his forehead on them. His tears seemed to wash away the pain in Mary’s heart because she also started crying, then smiling.

“I still love you, Mary. Body and soul. What I feel for you is true love because even after all these years it hasn’t watered down a bit. I promise to show you just how precious you are to me and to Jesus. As much as I love you, He loves you more.

Once you get discharged we’re going on a trip and believe you me, it’s going to be a physical and spiritual journey of self discovery, self rejuvenation and self care.

I’m going to get you to fall in love with yourself again. With the help of the Holy Spirit of course. You in?”

“Sure, Joe. You can take me wherever you want. I’m going to bet my life on you now since you saved me. You better don’t mess it up like he did.”

“I’m different, baby girl.”

“You and your smart mouth. Come here.”

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