It’s Not You, It’s Me

‘Jadesola, I am not as invested in this relationship as I used to be. I hate that I am the one that is burdened with stating the obvious, but you and I know we’ve not been good these past months. I like you, Jade. I really do but I can’t be in this relationship anymore. I can’t continue to pretend that I want this as much as I used to. Please find it in your heart to forgive me. It’s really not your fault, it’s mine and I take full responsibility for it. I pray you find someone that will love you like you truly deserve.
~William’

You know when you receive some shocking news and you are caught in that brief moment between disbelief and shock, that brief moment when you are trying so hard to understand the news you just received and what it really means to you. Then you move quickly to trying to understand how it is even possible that something like that was happening. And then slowly, realization starts to set in and that is the moment where your brain accepts the information and begins to trigger the appropriate responses.

I’m not sure which stage of shock I’m in right now but I’m certain my brain has blatantly refused to process it yet. I was still standing transfixed in my balcony, with one hand on my waist and the other hand holding the iPhone 11 William had gotten me for my birthday…two days ago. I read the text message again, and again, and again until I could almost recite it word for word. Was William breaking up with me?

My fingers started to turn cold and I could no longer stand still. Add that to the nausea I’ve been feeling for the past week and I suddenly needed to hold on to something, fast. I held the railings tightly, willing my body to stay in control and not collapse. My stomach had suddenly twisted in a tight knot just like it did before a big examination and all I wanted to do at that point was sit on the toilet. Did William just break up with me?

Standing on my two legs became harder than usual and so, I resorted to making myself comfortable on the bare floor. My white pyjamas protested against that move but I couldn’t bring myself to go into the house. I read the text message again. It was signed by my boyfriend and it came from his number. Two years ago, when we had just started dating, William had sent me at least three texts every single day with his name signed underneath. I always thought it was strange since he could have just sent whatever it was while we were chatting on Messenger but he said it felt more appropriate to compose and send me sweet texts in the middle of my day. It said it made him feel older and wiser, and certainly more romantic than most modern relationships. He told me I deserved better than an offhand compliment once in a month. He said I deserved flowers and boxes of dark chocolate. He said I deserved breakfast in bed, with poetry tucked discreetly under the tray.

Although I always mentioned how strange it was, I never told him how sweet and thoughtful I really thought it was. His thoughtfulness and need to always be ‘appropriate’ drew me to him. Wait, did William really break up with me? Via text?

It was just 7:15 am and the message had come in by 3:20 am. Did William wake up in the middle of the night to break up with me?

It all felt unreal, like it was just a sick joke and someone was going to jump out of the corner and scream ‘surprise!’ and hand me a two-layered cake. Maybe it was a post-birthday prank and they were doing this to throw me off the real surprise. I’ve seen it on several YouTube channels. The partner first does something really mean to the other and then surprises them with something really huge. Did William break up with me because he wanted to ask me to marry him? I mean, my birthday would have been the perfect opportunity but I’m not complaining.

After convincing myself that it was all a badly scripted prank, I decided to call him and give him an earful. This is no way to treat the woman you want to make your wife.

One ring.

Two rings.

Three rings.

‘I was hoping you wouldn’t call.’ I have always argued that William’s morning voice has to be the eighth wonder of the world. Okay, maybe the ninth. Naturally, he has a very sultry baritone, the kind of voice that washes over you. The type you close your eyes to listen to. But then, his morning voice was simply unnatural. It was… disarming. Still, this morning, the words coming out of his mouth were quite different from the ‘good morning, baby’ I had grown accustomed to for two years.

‘What do you mean by you were hoping I wouldn’t call?’

He sighed loudly and waited for a beat. Three beats.

‘Jadesola, tell me you got my text.’

‘What text?’ I was determined to play dumb, until the ruse was revealed.

‘Jadesola, please. Don’t play dumb.’

‘I don’t know what you are talking about.’

I heard him getting out of bed. As I listened to him throw off his duvet, tuck his feet into his flip flops and walk to his huge window and open the curtains, I was overcome by a desperate need to be in that room with him. To just be there and watch him. Just watch him.

‘You check your phone before your eyes fully open every morning and somehow, you claim to have not gotten my text. You know what? Let’s make this easy, I’ll tell you what it said.’

Whatever they were covering up had to be very important because he was starting to take it a bit too serious.

‘Jadesola, I am breaking up with you. I am no longer interested in our relationship. It’s not you, it’s me.’

Huh? ‘It’s not you that did what?’

‘Jadesola. Let’s not make this harder than it needs to be.’

‘Cut! Cut! Cut! It’s okay oh. You guys can stop acting now. I’m in on it. I know it’s a prank. Whoever is hiding should come out now.’ I screamed into the phone and into my two bedroom apartment simultaneously.

‘What the hell are you talking about? This is not a prank. I am breaking up with you.’

‘But…’

‘Please, don’t call me back.’ And with that, he hung up on me.

Maybe it was how cold he made the last statement or the grunt of irritation he made before hanging up, but my brain finally got the memo and started sending the message to my various organs to act accordingly.

I could literally feel my heart breaking into tiny little pieces. It was slow at first but then, I started to feel a burning sensation run through my body at an alarming rate. It felt like my body was being twisted open with a knife and I didn’t understand how I could feel so much pain without any physical harm.

I started feeling everything at once. The memory department went into action and I started seeing flashes of all the promises we made to each other while we laid tangled in my sheets on my birthday night…two days ago.

He said he loved me.

He said he couldn’t wait for the day he would be able to call me wife.

He said he wanted our daughter to look exactly like me.

We named our sons.

We even said we’ll have just three kids.

Joshua, Jeremiah, and Jacintha.

He told me I was his biggest blessing, the best thing that had ever happened to him.

We had plans.

We were going to move to Abuja when he got promoted to start our family.

We had plans.

I felt like a log of wood had been lodged in my throat and I couldn’t get it out. My heart felt like it had pumped more than enough blood and there was nowhere else to store it. Everything in my body wanted to be let out… and so, I screamed.

I couldn’t imagine a life without William, without the man who took me to depths I never thought I could go. How could I live without the man who taught me what it means to be alive? I screamed like I was about to die, because I really felt like I was.

After screaming, I felt a bit better and that was when my tear glands decided they were ready for some action. I was on my toilet, willing my bowels to release some of the filth I felt on my insides, crying my eyes out, staring at the pictures of the both of us I had uploaded on my WhatsApp status. I looked through the reactions to my post and all they kept saying was how beautiful our babies would be.

I saw his name pinned to the top of my chat list and I suddenly couldn’t breathe. I went numb for a second, my mind reeling with thoughts of what my life would be like without him. How do you have something one minute and it’s gone the next? Like, it’s… poof.

I noticed the pregnancy test kit I had bought the day before lying on the bathroom dresser. With shaky hands, I ripped out the small white plastic that was either going to ruin my life completely or make it slightly better.

____

‘William, I am pregnant with your child. I hate that I am the one burdened with your seed but I’ll take care of it. And I’ll take care of myself too, so you don’t ever have to worry about us. Don’t blame yourself though. It’s not you, it’s me and I take full responsibility for it.
~Jadesola’

Sent✅
8:31

All pictures are from Pexels and no attribution is required.