The Intertwining Life Struggles Of Single Mothers

On Sundays, Folake would dress her two children in their finest, she would powder her face and apply red rogue on her lips, she would then put on a blouse and two wrappers as it’s the fashion with women nowadays. Only that hers were not ordinary wrappers but the revered jioje wrapper.

On getting to church, she would pray as hard as the other women, pray for her business, for her children’s education, for continued prosperity and peace of mind. She would stomp her feet energetically during such prayers like all the other women. Folake never failed to come out and give a ‘seed of faith’ alongside her usually generous offering, she never failed to contribute her quota when she was called on to play her part as one of the women in her church.

Looking at Folake, one would have seen her as a woman very comfortable with her life and her family. Only her church members knew her story, only they laughed while covering their faces with their hands and shook their heads when they saw her and her children dressed nicely. You would hear them call her “immoral woman”, “daughter of jezebel”, and say she is “swimming in blood money that would lead her to hell”. Indeed on closer inspection, we would find some truth in their claims.

Folake, as a single mother left alone with two children, is a suspect. In a society where women with husbands are struggling to meet their daily needs, what hope does a single mother with two grown-up children, one in the senior secondary school and the other about to enter the University, have?

We would fail to realize the extent of her struggle, we would fail to empathize. What dignity does a woman whom we think sells herself for money have to present? Even if that money is used to better the lives of her two helpless children, abandoned by their father, abandoned by the world. We would shake our collective heads, we would say there are better ways to get money. We would say that if a person is hardworking they would succeed. We would be right, and we would be wrong.

When the creditors came for Folake, she was sitting in her shop and breaking melon on a tray. She was singing God will make a way where there seems to be no way. They came with the police, they dragged her out of the shop, told her to pay and when she said she didn’t have the money and knelt down to beg for more time, they handled her roughly, packed her goods into their van, pushing her into the dirt when she resisted.

Her two children met her lying in the dirt, when they got back from school. They dragged her off the ground and people could see them all tangled together and weeping. It is a pity, in a few weeks, the reality of their situation will dawn on these children when they realize they can no longer go back to school when meals get scarce and people start asking them what happened.

Then they might wish their life was different, they might wish they were not born. The compassion they must have felt seeing their mother weeping on the floor will be gone and blame would quickly replace it. In their quiet place, they might ask Mother why … Mother why did you…

***

Mama Nkechi, as she is popularly known in the market where she sells foodstuff and kerosene, is a middle-aged woman with a kind of beauty that tells you she must have turned a great many heads in her youthful days. She was also known for speaking quite good English that sometimes made people wonder if at one point she might have gone to school. Her knowledge of English set her apart from other market women or was it her “obvious” feeling that she was better than the rest of them?

Another thing that sets Mama Nkechi apart from the other women is her daughter’s weekly visits to the market. Dorothy, or rather Nkechi, as the young lady preferred to be called, was a replica of her mother. She showed the world a new copy of her mother’s fading beauty. Every Friday evening, she would arrive at the market to follow her mother home and spend the weekend with her. Dorothy was not happy with this arrangement, it was telling on her studies.

To her, these weekly visits were highly unnecessary as her mother was perfectly capable of staying alone and doing all her household duties herself. This young lady might have suspected that these weekend visits were her mother’s way of trying to keep a close eye on her, she just did not realize the extent of her mother’s fear.

Mama Nkechi as a young girl was just as bright as her daughter. Her parents used to be so proud of her topping her classes from class 2 to class 5 and would have been the first girl in her village to seek higher education. Until she met Chidi, a handsome and promising young man from the neighboring village.

Chidi was indeed full of promises and lofty dreams. He filled her head with sweet ideas, told her that as soon as his course at the technical college was completed, he would get a job and start working on getting an admission into the university. Before the university was their glorious marriage, of course, he would marry her and take her far away from the village. After his education and her early childbearing days, he would sponsor hers and she too would be able to get a job and build a house for her parents.

Then she got pregnant and went to inform him. she would never forget the look of shock and revulsion on his face before he realized himself and pleaded with her to give him some time to think. Later, he called her, sat her down and gave her reasons why he was not yet ready for a family. He did not once mention getting rid of the baby. He told her to have the child and wait for him to come back for her and the child after he gets a job.

Mama Nkechi went back to her parents with the good news and received the beating of her life. Her parents were deeply disappointed they could not believe their brilliant daughter could be gullible enough to fall for such lies. They sent her away from the house and she went to live with Chidi. The former sizzling love and adoration were gone, for she was now a burden to him and he treated her as such.

After a few months of fighting and tears, the young man packed his things and left, calling over his shoulder that he would send money and she should take care of the child and herself. That was the last she saw of him. She never did receive any money and a few months later had to leave the house because the rent had expired.

That was twenty years ago, mama Nkechi was no longer a gullible girl of nineteen and had made sure her daughter was not so gullible either with daily advice and constant telling of her woes at the hands of Nkechi’s father. She had managed to instill in her daughter the knowledge that men are ‘no gooders’, ‘destiny spoilers’ and should be avoided at all costs. Yet even she knew it wasn’t enough. Had her parents not also advised her? Had she listened? She knew all too well the foolishness of youth and was determined to stop a reoccurrence of such tragedy as her whole life.

This was the reason behind the weekend visits, Mama Nkechi wanted to always be able to look her daughter over with a critical eye every week in case of any unwanted pregnancy so she would quickly deal with it before the situation gets out of hand, before her daughter had to drop out of school as she did. Like every good and loving mother, she wanted the best for her child. Truly, watching Nkechi grow up into a woman had made her mother ache with fear.

Yet, Nkechi never thanked her mother for all the trouble she went through for her sake. Instead, she resented the ‘babysitting’ considering herself old enough to make her own life decisions. Like everyone else, she acknowledged her mother’s mistake in getting pregnant at such a tender age, but what she didn’t understand was why, just why she had to be rubbed in it all.

***

Ukinebo stares at her body in the mirror. For some, staring in the mirror is the process of self-discovery, but for her, there was nothing new and exciting to discover. Her breasts were no longer perky, her belly jutted out in the area close to her waist making her look like a woman. In the last three years, she had discovered that although men like women for amusement purposes, liked them as a pastime, they did not like to marry them.

They sought out girls, young and fresh as she had been five years ago, before the birth of her son Gabriel. She had met Gabriel’s father John when she was just a first-year student at the University of Ibadan. At that time, he was in his final year and quite stable financially. They had a very satisfying affair that lasted for six months until she became pregnant.

Imagine her, carrying her big belly through classes and her second-semester exams. Everyone also knew of the situation of her relationship, that they had no plans of getting married anytime soon. At that time, she would boast to her classmates that he was going to leave school, get a job and be able to cater to her and her child. Then she would pretend not to see them lifting their noses at her.

Five years after she had her boy, here she was, no John, no prospects of marriage, no man in her life at all, she was gradually realizing that her situation was a critical one. few men wanted to marry a “half past one” woman even if they were “half past one” or “half past two” themselves.

Then a woman with a son was a separate thing entirely. Even fewer men wanted a woman who had had a son already for another man. they always felt insecure about these sons. Feeling that in some near future. the little boy would grow into a rascal, threatening them and their household.

This left Ukinebo at loss she was 24 years old and good looking enough. yet anytime she opened her mouth to talk about herself, and mentioned she had a son, she would watch her life falling around her, reflected in the eyes of the now fearful young man.

***

There is a way life sometimes picks us up, drops us, picks us up the final time, leaving us clutching at thin air. Jemimah knew all about this picking and dropping. As a successful businesswoman, and a mother of a handsome and well-behaved son one would have thought she would smile more and embrace life more. If asked, she would tell you how she had suffered through school, struggled to establish her business and how she had married a man who would finally abandon her and her three months old son for another woman.

Jemimah’s son was a very quiet young man, he had very few friends and with no vice. He was a very average young man with average looks, average grades, and average problems like depression. His mother was continually worried about him, what would become of her son? didn’t people say there was always something missing in the life of a boy child who did not know his father, didn’t they say the void within them drove them to their calamity?

She remembered very clearly, many years ago when he was but a little boy, how he would always ask about his father. On one occasion, when she had told him the familiar lines of “your father left us” and “I believe he will come back one day”, the dear boy had broken down in tears, asking his mother when that day would come.

That was many years ago. Now her little boy was battling with depression, battling depression with drugs and half-hearted therapy. It was clear to anyone looking that the boy needed his father, it must have been clear to God because a few months later, a man turned up at their door, he was Jemimah’s long escaped husband. He brought with him gifts and a host of apologies for Jemimah and her son.

When a man comes back for a woman, there is this expectation society has of her. Yes, she should be happy, yes she must take him back. no one cares about her anger and her pain. No one cares about the twenty years of struggling to raise a child and survive, of crying in the night, of being lonely. The years of trying to console her son and failing, of watching him sink into depression.

Then there was this man kneeling in her sitting room, begging to be forgiven, hoping for absolution. Jemimah wanted nothing to do with him, but her son was hopeful and yearning. He had always wanted a father and now he had one. He couldn’t understand why his mother would want to deprive him of that.

***

Tolu Akande, that was what people called her. Anywhere that name was mentioned, heads turned and people acknowledged the fact that she was a woman to be reckoned with. Tolu, a very assertive and passion-driven woman was a teacher, a business woman and a motivational speaker. When invited to speak with women, she gave the most educating and heart-stirring lectures. The topic she spoke most on was how a woman should be able to stand on her own, without a man. She encouraged women to practice self-reliance, by giving examples using her own life experiences.

At sixteen, she had gotten pregnant by a headmaster’s son who denied responsibility. With the support of her parents, she was delivered of twins, a boy, and a girl. Then she went ahead to learn tailoring, which she later used to sponsor herself through the university as her parents could not afford.

Now, having established strongholds in various money-making enterprises, Tolu worked round the clock. Her busy schedule also meant she had very little time to spend with her growing children so she sent them to boarding schools. During the holidays, they would come to visit and Tolu would take a little break from her work to spend quality time with her children. Yet, there was a measured distance between her and them.

They related as strangers and even when their mothers would call them to sit with her, it was always a boring affair. After a small spell of talking, they would lapse into silence. Later, these children would travel out of the country to be as far away from their pestering mother as possible.