8 Tips On How To Deal With Jealousy In Your Relationship
Jealousy is one prevalent phenomenon in many relationships. Almost everyone who has been in a romantic relationship has experienced it at one point or another. It is that feeling of insecurity and paranoia that one harbors as a result of the fear of their partner being snatched away from them by someone more attractive. The term is sometimes erroneously used synonymously with envy but there’s a thin line between the two. While envy is a longing to have something possessed by another, jealousy, however, is a feeling that what is yours might be taken by someone else.
Various people have had different perspectives as regards the effects of jealousy on relationships. While one school of thought posits that it is unhealthy and in fact harmful to relationships, the other holds strongly that since the feeling has scientifically been proven to occur naturally in humans, it is indeed a necessary part of every romantic relationship. Some even assert that it could be a sign of true love.
Whatever side you take isn’t our concern here. That would most likely have been shaped by either personal experience or research. The crux of the matter is that jealousy is indeed a reality in relationships and it has had a number of not-so-good effects on many of these relationships.
According to Christina Hibbert, PsyD, a clinical psychologist in Flagstaff, Ariz, jealousy becomes problematic “when we act out in jealousy or we wallow in it.” We see here that jealousy in itself is not outright bad. What should be considered however, is how much of it we allow to take charge of our thoughts, actions, and decisions.
Jealousy, when controlled and channeled the right way, could actually be of benefit to your relationship. It could be a way of you trying to let your partner realize how much you love them and wish not to lose them.
This is the healthy kind of jealousy that should spur you to do your best possible to keep your partner. If this then coalesces with trust for your partner regardless of your suspicions, your relationship would keep blooming. If, on the other hand, you allow distrust and fear creep in, your relationship is heading for the rocks.
Causes Of Jealousy In Relationships
Now that it has been established what jealousy is, what it is not and the fact that it is a recurrent evil in many relationships, it is time we looked at what causes jealousy to exist in the first place. Why do partners tend to get jealous? Is it truly a disorder, as purported by pre-modern scientists? We shall attempt to answer these and more disturbing questions in this section.
It has been discovered, after numerous researches, that jealousy could be as a result of the following:
1. Fear
This is one prominent cause of jealousy in relationships. The jealous partner is usually afraid of losing the love of their life to some other person out there. They’re afraid of losing the relationship they have toiled to build over time. They’re afraid of losing all these to a total stranger. There’s also the fear of being ridden of their happiness, which in the first place is most likely not currently guaranteed. All these then culminate in the resentful feeling of jealousy.
2. Insecurity
Jealousy is also usually introduced as a result of insecurity on the part of the jealous partner. This feeling of insecurity could stem from a lack of trust in the other partner or lack of the wherewithal to keep them.
3. Low Self-esteem
When one has little or no confidence in their own worth, it is always a monumental problem when they get into relationships. This is because there will always be a tendency to think that there is someone out there smarter, more beautiful and generally more appealing to your partner than you.
When thoughts like this begin to creep in, jealousy sets in. In this case, it becomes a double blow because this kind of thinking is both injurious to the relationship and to oneself.
4. Lack of Trust
Trust is a vital ingredient for every relationship. Once trust is removed from the equation, things begin to go haywire. So when a partner is lacking in trust, jealousy is inevitable as almost anybody their partner is seen with becomes a probable cheating partner.
Manifestations Of Jealousy In Relationships
Jealousy can be expressed in different ways, depending on the temperamental disposition of the jealous partner in question. Without further ado, we shall now be presenting some of these manifestations of jealousy in relationships.
1. Emotional Abuse
Jealousy can make a jealous partner begin to naturally abuse the other emotionally. In most cases, it is usually not intentional. The emotional abuse meted out stems from a heart that is bitter, one that is smeared with jealous thoughts.
Such persons suddenly find themselves treating their partner very badly, crushing their ego and even denying them acts of love like sex. This could turn out pretty badly as it could easily lead to the emotional breakdown of the other partner and even the eventual dissolution of the relationship.
2. Bossy Behavior
This is another peculiar effect of jealousy in relationships. The jealous partner could quickly resolve to become all bossy as a defense mechanism. They feel that that’s the only way they can salvage their relationship which they believe is going down the drain. In response, the other partner tries to be assertive and then the time bomb they’ve been sitting on for a while blows up all of a sudden.
3. Suspicious Behavior
It is inevitable for one who is jealous in a relationship not to have distrustful tendencies. In fact, since lack of trust is a glaring cause of jealousy, distrust and jealousy usually go hand in hand. The former could serve as the cause as well as the aftereffect of jealousy in relationships. Every unbecoming action your partner takes becomes suspicious to you, without first of all making the necessary investigations to find out the true situation of things.
4. Physical Abuse
If a partner gets so jealous to the extent of getting physical with the other, the situation has definitely gotten out of hand and something drastic has to be done to salvage such a relationship. It is agreed that people react to the same situation differently.
Nevertheless, some things are better handled diplomatically. So once your partner begins to beat you up out of jealousy, know that it’s time to call it quits. Not only is there deep-seated jealousy in that relationship, but it is also one filled with a high level of distrust and such relationships most likely do not have a future. A plant can’t thrive on shaky roots
Tips On How To Deal With Jealousy In Your Relationship
As earlier implied, jealousy, especially the deep-seated kind, is a scourge which, if not treated with urgency, could result in a myriad of problems of different magnitudes. This said we should understand that jealousy itself is not the problem. It, however, becomes a problem if we refuse to deal with it. The following are therefore some workable tips to consider in dealing with jealousy:
1. Acknowledge That You’re Jealous
This is the first step to take in dealing with jealousy. Once you’re able to accept the fact that you’re truly jealous and that it would be detrimental to your relationship if something isn’t done about it, things become easier for you. From there, you then adopt the best approach to consciously expelling jealousy from your mind so as to safeguard your relationship. One cannot deal with what one has not identified as a problem.
2. Examine Your Relationship
Another thing you should do is to carry out an assessment of your relationship. Ask honest questions such as “Do I feel insecure about my relationship?” “Do I trust my partner?” “Do I argue with my partner more than I agree with them?” Giving honest replies to the above and other related questions would go a long way in helping to deal with jealousy.
This is because trust, a secure relationship and peaceful coexistence with one’s partner are prerequisites for a healthy relationship. If these and other requirements are absent, there is a problem and it needs to be dealt with drastically.
3. Examine Yourself
This is another important thing to look into in dealing with jealousy in your relationship. You should ask yourself salient questions bordering on your experience in your previous relationships, whether or not you might have a particular psychological disorder contributing to your jealousy and whether or not your self-esteem is still intact.
You should also find out if there’s anything at all you’re afraid of in the relationship. Sometimes, jealousy could come about as a result of these factors.
4. Express Your Jealousy in a Mild Way
It is one thing to be jealous and it is another thing to make it so obvious to the extent of creating a problem out of it. Jealousy could be expressed in different degrees just like anger. So one way to handle jealousy when you identify it is to try to play it down. Be soft about it, the whole world shouldn’t get wind of your jealousy. Make your partner realize that you’re actually jealous by making mild statements about how you feel.
Also, if at all you need to comment on some of their suspicious affairs, do so in a gentle way and not bellicosely.
5. Do Not Allow Your Emotions Get the Better Part of You
When we’re jealous in a relationship, we tend to become quite emotional and this is understandable, considering the feelings of insecurity and vulnerability that normally come with being jealous. So it would be really disastrous if we get consumed by our jealousy and then act rashly as a result. Just like when we act in anger or any other negative feeling, the outcome is usually regrettable.
When you discover that your jealousy is beginning to cloud your rationality, it is best to retrace your steps and ensure that you don’t act on your feelings.
6. Think About Your Positive Qualities
Jealousy is basically the feeling that your partner has become attracted to someone else who has better personality traits than you. This feeling tends to escalate to one of the inferiority complexes wherein you begin to think so lowly about yourself. You begin to feel undeserving of your partner and even wonder why they chose you in the first place. This could get so bad, especially when a jealous partner is an introverted person.
To deal with this, you should think more about your wonderful qualities. You should remind yourself that nobody is totally bad, neither is there anyone who is completely flawless. This would help a lot in expelling this sort of counterproductive thoughts.
7. Learn to Let Go Sometimes
Never underestimate the efficacy of letting go when bedeviled by the feeling of jealousy in your relationship. Now, don’t get this twisted. It doesn’t mean that you should simply recline and do nothing about your jealous feelings. What letting go actually means is realizing that you can’t possibly be in total control of your partner. Having arrived at this conclusion, you need to just let sleeping dogs lie at times, especially when it’s getting out of hand.
8. See a Therapist
If you discover that jealousy is indeed a problem in your relationship, whether it’s you or your partner who’s the jealous one, it could be really disturbing. Conquering it will take patience, constant communication with each other and possibly, changing of beliefs. If none of these seem to work, it is advised that you seek help, not from some random fellow, but from a professional therapist.
This would go a long way in helping you and your partner consciously deal with the issue of jealousy in your relationship.
Conclusion
It is expedient to state at this juncture that conquering jealousy in a relationship requires the presence of trust. This then means that the couple involved needs to make a conscious effort to build mutual trust if any significant progress is expected.
Without this put in place, the scourge of jealousy would still remain very much alive in the relationship. Despite the current circumstances facing them, they are both expected to strive to maintain the love and respect they have always shared.
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