Dating Red Flags in African Men: 12 Types of Men to Avoid

African men are a gift, they’re strong, hardworking and very affectionate. But dating them could be a sport considering the number of hurdles women have to go through to find the right one.

African society often encourages red flags in African men, especially in regard to how they treat women. This in turn conditions a lot of red flags in dating them.

Needless to say, this doesn’t refer to every man from the continent. Some have evolved beyond these toxic cultural traits.

Using my extensive dating history (strictly African men), data from female and male friends and no psychological qualifications whatsoever, I have been able to pinpoint some of these traits. With a list of perfect imperfections, I’m here to help you separate the good from the bad, the men from the boys ;).

12 Red Flags in African Men To Watch Out For While Dating

If you’re dating an African man or planning to, here are some red flags to watch out for:

• The Narcissist
• Double Personality
• The Manipulator
• The Family Treasure
• The Avoider
• The Comparer
• The Abuser
• The Colourist
• The Secret Misogynist
• The Traditionalist
• The Fraudster

1. He is Too Confident (The Narcissist)

I’m starting with a controversial one because this needs to be addressed. We all know when it comes to African men, confidence is in their DNA. And it’s sexy, it can be one of their more attractive qualities.

However, there are some with too much “confidence”. Men like this usually have it all together; good job, nice car, expensive taste, look good, smell good, clean cut, the picture-perfect guy. At least that’s how he needs the world to perceive him.

He mistakes self-obsession for self-confidence and so does the people who date him. Everything in the relationship has to be centred around him, where you go, who you hang out with, and what you do. Why? Because he’s doing you a favour by just giving you his attention.

Usually, African men with red flags like this can’t be with just one woman. No, they need to share the gift of their existence with every female they come across.

How to Spot The Narcissist

1. He is usually stingy with compliments.
2. Has expensive taste when he’s spending on himself but gets cheap when he’s spending on you.
3. Constantly talks about how other females love him.
4. Reminds you how easy it was for him to get you.
5. Likes to call out your flaws.
6. Likes to claim he’s incapable of monogamy.

If you’re dating someone who exhibits two or more of these traits, it might be best to distance yourself from the relationship for the sake of your mental health.

2. He is a Different Person in Public (Double Personality)

This is a more uncommon red flag in African men because it slides under the radar a lot. You have a sweet and kind man in private but once he’s outside or with his friends, his personality completely changes. He becomes detached, even rude at times, talking about what he thinks in a more dominant way.

How to Spot Double Personality

1. Likes to touch you in private but pulls away in public.
2. Makes jokes to his friends at your expense.
3. Doesn’t like to refer to you as his girlfriend.
4. Avoids you in public but blows up your phone in private.
5. Doesn’t introduce you to his friends at all.

A guy like this doesn’t care enough about you and isn’t worth your time.

3. He Complains About Your Friends (The Manipulator)

So it’s not a rule that your boyfriend should like your friends. But it is a red flag if he makes no effort to get along with them. Instead, he just complains and tries to get you to stop spending time with them.

African men can be overly protective and jealous and this is usually a tactic that some use to separate you from the people who could possibly talk you out of being with them. Basically isolating you so that they can have full autonomy over your life. This red flag in African men can be dangerous and be a predecessor for abuse.

How to Spot The Manipulator

1. Your friends can never do anything right in his eyes.
2. He picks a fight with you every time you get back from hanging out with them.
3. He always finds reasons why you shouldn’t hang out with your friends.
4. He tries to force his friends on you.

This is usually the beginning of an emotionally abusive relationship.

4. He is the First or Only Son (The Family Treasure)

If you are dating the first or only son of an African family, you need a lot of mental and emotional strength because it comes with baggage.

The first son is usually regarded as the most important child. He carries the weight of the family’s expectations. Meaning if you date him, you’ll be scrutinized by his family and if you don’t live up to their (occasionally unrealistic) standards, you might have a problem getting along with them.

How to Spot The Family Treasure

1. He is the first or only son.
2. His family is overly involved/invested in his personal life.
3. His parents are overly dependent on him.

This usually ends with him having to choose between you and his family. And that’s just messy regardless of who he picks.

5. He Doesn’t Talk About The Future (The Avoider)

If your boyfriend or potential guy completely avoids talking about the future, it is a red flag. What he wants out of a relationship with you, where he wants it to lead and his own personal goals; are easy to communicate. Especially with African men, who are usually very family oriented.

An African man who sees a future with you won’t be afraid to communicate that. So if he always shuts you down when you try to talk about the future, that is a red flag.

How to Spot The Avoider

1. He changes the topic every time it gets serious.
2. You don’t know any of his future plans or goals (even after asking).
3. He doesn’t ask you personal questions.
4. He hardly speaks in the future tense (i.e. we should go here one day).

This usually means he doesn’t want a future with you or he’s hiding a part of his life from you (like a secret partner or even family). Either way, he is bad news.

6. He Compares You to The Women in His Family (The Comparer)

So in typical African families, women take on a very domesticated role. And that’s what a majority of men grow up seeing and eventually expecting.

On a date, a guy once told me about his aunt who worked a full-time 8-5 job but still made her husband a hot meal from scratch every night. This was the standard he set for his future marriage. He was dropping hints for me, I picked up on them and that was our last date. I couldn’t live up to those standards.

I understood that we all tend to pattern our lives based on what we saw growing up. But it’s unfair to put expectations on your significant other that has nothing to do with them.

This guy feels like any girl can fit his mould of what they want in a wife regardless of their individual personality. So he’ll try to force his expectations on you.

How to Spot The Comparer

1. He has expectations you can’t always match.
2. Criticizes you and compares you to his family member (mother, sister, aunt etc).
3. Constantly seeks family members’ advice on your relationship.

Being in a relationship with someone like this can lead to resentment over time.

7. He Speaks Rudely and Acts Roughly (The Abuser)

Violence is usually an obvious red flag but when it isn’t targeted at us directly, we tend to ignore it. A man who is quick to anger and quick to react with that anger is a huge, flying red flag. This is very common in African men because, in Africa, respect is important, especially to men. So when some feel disrespected, they react violently.

How to Spot The Abuser

1. He’s rude to people who are in service roles around him (like waiters, cleaners, drivers etc).
2. He has road rage.
3. He’s quick to get in a fight.
4. When he gets angry he grabs you roughly.
5. He’s quick to yell at you.
6. He burns bridges anytime he gets upset.

Bad behavior is the same outside and inside. So it’s only a matter of time before he turns that violent behavior on you.

8. He Only Dates Lighter Skinned/White Women (The Colourist)

I met a guy once who was just coming back from starting university in Canada. He said and I quote, “Canada made me realize that Nigerian girls look like dogs.”

This an interesting opinion from a dark-skinned, born and-raised Nigerian man. And he’s not the only African man who shares such an opinion. In fact, it’s common for them to prefer lighter-skinned or/and white women because of their fairer skin.

This isn’t slander against the women, this is slander against the men who are conditioned by the colonialist agenda to make lighter skin seem better.

This also means he is extremely superficial and cares more about how a woman looks than who she actually is. Imagine hating on your own kind.

How to Spot The Colourist

1. He has only dated lighter-skinned or white women.
2. Most of his compliments are skin colour based.
3. Likes to talk about having lighter-skinned kids even when he’s dark-skinned.
4. Likes to shame darker-skinned women.
5. Doesn’t have a problem with skin bleaching (in fact he encourages it).

Not all men who date lighter-skinned/white women fall into this category.

9. He Justifies Misogyny (The Secret Misogynist)

It’s the 21st century, and a lot of men support the feminist movement. But quite a few of them still have sexist and misogynistic opinions, they just know better than to voice them out. Look at what’s happening to Andrew Tate.

Sometimes the only way they can express these opinions is by justifying other men’s sexist acts.

He starts with, “I know he was wrong but…” and ends it with, “Anyway, I would never do it.” But he would, in fact, he probably is doing it.

Again, look at how many men love Andrew Tate.

How to Spot The Secret Misogynist

1. He always finds a way to justify other men’s sexist/misogynistic acts.
2. He hates feminists (even though he sometimes claims he is one).
3. He loves to call out women.
4. He has sexist friends.

Men like this are usually liars. What’s worse, they lie to themselves more than they lie to others.

10. He Uses You (The Fraudster)

It is not just women that can be gold diggers. Men too have such tendencies but it might not just be for money. He could be using you for popularity, a green card or even sex.

This man is an opportunist and only sees women as a means to a self-serving end.

How to Spot The Fraudster

1. He only seems to be around when he needs something from you.
2. The conversations are always about him.
3. He constantly asks for favors.
4. He is overly defensive.
5. He ignores your relationship problems.

Relationships with people like this can’t last because eventually, whether they get what they want or not, they leave.

11. He Calls Himself a Traditional African Man (The Traditionalist)

I saved the most notorious for last. We’ve all met this guy, the one whose cultural beliefs are rooted in values that suit him.

Most African traditions hold women in the lowest regard. And that suits his ego perfectly. He doesn’t expect to be loved, he requires you to worship him.

He believes strongly in the old, misogynistic ways of men, especially when it comes to how he treats women, and lords it over his woman whenever he gets the chance.

His only defense to criticism is, “You know I’m a traditional African man.”

How to Spot The Traditionalist

1. He refuses to do any domestic work.
2. Strongly believes female stereotypes.
3. Thinks money can fix every problem.
4. Expects anyone he is dating to be completely domesticated.

Men like this aren’t red flags for all women. But if you’re someone who wants a life outside of her boyfriend/husband, then this is not the African man for you.

Regardless of this list, there are a lot of amazing African men out there. Men who will love you and treat you with respect. I hope this list helps you dodge the wrong ones and takes you closer to finding your Mr. Right.

All images are sourced from pexels