11 Steps To Leave A Toxic Relationship, Even If You Don’t Want To
We have heard too many stories of people being in toxic relationships and not even realizing it until it becomes life-threatening. There are a few telltale signs that could help you discover if you are already in a toxic relationship or a potentially toxic one. Once you’ve recognized your relationship as toxic, the logical thing is to leave. But sometimes, leaving is easier said than done and we acknowledge that.
Still, we do have to agree on one thing – you deserve a healthy and respectful relationship. So, you might need help with leaving that toxic relationship. In this article, we’ll be taking you through steps that will help you leave that toxic relationship, even when you don’t want to.
Step 1: Identify the Signs
This is unarguably the first step of the hurdle. To be able to solve any problem, you must first be able to recognize it. If something does not feel right in your relationship, chances are, that is a red flag. Be honest with yourself and do not ignore them. Abused people often fail to recognize these signs because they have become so used to them, but that is at the end of the divide. Make sure you’re not talking yourself into accepting some behaviors that are detrimental to your physical and psychological health.
To help you, here is a list of telltale signs that show you are in a toxic relationship. If any of these traits match those of your partner, then it’s time to accept that you just might be in a dicey situation.
Step 2: Don’t Go Into Denial
Now that you have identified the signs in your relationship and they all point to its toxicity, accept it for what it is. Because of the feelings you might still have for the person, you might find yourself trying to make up other scenarios in your head to justify your partner’s behavior. That course of action never bodes well. Do not deny the way your partner’s actions and inactions make you feel. Refusing to go into denial is very important when you want to make the final decision of leaving the situation. Stop making up excuses for your partner!
Step 3: Identify the Perks…and Thrash Them
We are trying to help you here, so what we will not do is lie to you. We are not going to pretend that there aren’t some good moments in your toxic relationship, moments where you feel like everything might just be alright again. Maybe they help you take care of the bills, or take good care of your kids when you need to get to work. Maybe they push you to be better and give you crucial career tips that helped you land your dream job. Maybe they make you feel needed…and seen. Newsflash; your relationship could give you butterflies in your stomach and still not be good for you.
After identifying the signs of a toxic relationship and refusing to go into denial, it is time to identify the perks of this relationship and thrash them. Yes, you read that right! Staying in a potentially dangerous situation just because there are good times is just like taking a snack from a lion and deciding to stay the night in the jungle. You’ll get eaten, love. No matter how much this toxic partner has done for you, or how much they mean to you, your family, and even your friends, it’s not worth the heartache.
Step 4: Talk About the Situation With Your Family and Trusted Friends
Out of fear and shame, a lot of victims of toxic relationships refuse to talk about the situation with their families or close friends. They do this either to hide the problem, so they would not be recommended help or to protect their toxic partners from the judgment of those they would tell. Now that you have decided to leave your toxic relationship, you must have support. Find a trusted friend or family member and talk to them about what has been happening and what actions you wish to take. This will open the way for you to receive encouragement and support from the people that love you. Their support will speed up the healing process.
Step 5: Take Action
Now that you’re done with the deliberations in your head, it’s time to sit that partner down and do the needful. Whichever method you think is safest, use it in passing the message across. You could call for dinner to discuss it if you believe they will be civil, or you could do it via text or call if you do not trust them to handle it properly. If you find yourself shaking even while speaking, pretend that you have everything under control. That never fails.
Do not second guess your decisions because everything in your heart tells you you are going to miss this person. Sometimes, you need to go through the hurt to come out refined and way better than you were before.
Step 6: Time For The Mental Gymnastics
More than half of the battles you are going to need to conquer will happen in your head. So, get ready for the mental gymnastics. You are going to have to put a lot of things under control after the break-up. You will catch yourself several times wondering what they might be doing or even how they are coping with the breakup. Control your thoughts to not dwell on these things. Control your thoughts to not wander in that direction and remove everything around you that might trigger it.
This includes your couple photos, shared items, and even their phone numbers! Control your conversations too. Make sure you’re not always speaking about them to anybody who cares to listen. You are also going to have to talk yourself out of contacting them again to mend the relationship. Get ready.
Step 7: Zero Contact
This is a very important step to leaving your toxic relationship for good, even when you do not want to. Zero contact means exactly that. Since you might still have feelings for the person, zero contact will help you heal faster. This means that you can no longer make up excuses to see them or talk to them. This is almost similar to step 5, the only difference is that this has to be physical.
You’ll need to stop sending them messages, pretending you just want to check up on them. You can even go as far as blocking them from your social media, so you do not have to be constantly reminded of their presence. You might need to change some of your mutual friends and avoid discussions that circle back to that relationship. Whatever will guarantee that you and that partner no longer cross paths should be enforced immediately, no matter how bad it hurts.
Step 8: Healing Time
By this time, the extremely hard and heart-wrenching episodes are over. Now, it’s time to heal. How long you take to heal depends on how emotionally dependent you were on your partner. Don’t let anybody lecture you about how long it is supposed to take. Bear in mind that you have just come out of a very draining situation that brought you down in every sense of the word. Now, you need to take back your strength. It won’t happen overnight but with little conscious steps geared towards adjusting to your new life, you’ll get there.
Step 9: Get New Hobbies
Well, not literally. But it’s time to fill your time with activities. Work at filling the time you used to spend with your partner on other things. Learn something new, take yourself to see new destinations, breathe in the fresh air, and try things that you’ve been wanting to do. Make room for peace and wholeness to flood your life, your routine, and your other relationships. Be careful to not fill this time by emotionally depending on someone or something else. Give yourself space to be free, to breathe. Also, constantly remind yourself that the sadness will pass. Here are a few things you should never consider doing after that breakup.
Step 10: The Withdrawal Syndrome
The withdrawal syndrome, known to occur in individuals who have developed physiological dependence on substances, can also occur in relationships. Just like alcohol dependence can quickly become an addiction, emotional dependence can too. After the breakup, you might find yourself yearning for the presence of that person.
You might find yourself itching to hear their voice, see their faces, know what is going on in their lives, and so on. It will happen, trust me. But when this moment comes, remind yourself of all the reasons why you left in the first place. Remind yourself of what you deserve and accept that that chapter of your life is not one that needs to be relived.
Step 11: Get Professional Help
It will be a wrong move for you to underestimate the trauma you have gone through in a toxic relationship. If you find yourself unable to move on after the breakup or still unable to overcome the fear and doubts you have, then you need to schedule an appointment with a professional. In just a few sessions, you will be able to identify your most vulnerable points and work on getting better. You will also start your journey to fully recovering from the blows your self-esteem received.
You deserve better. You deserve to be loved, wholly without fear, shame, or toxicity. You deserve all of that. Leaving that toxic relationship might be easier said than done but you have to put your money where your mouth is and get it done before it is too late.
All pictures are from Pexels and no attribution is required.
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