When We Were Young And Free
There’s a kind of nostalgia that isn’t about a particular event but about a particular time in life. Everyday, when I look at you my daughter I am hit with a huge nostalgia of my life as a young woman between the ages of 20-25. I want to tell you a story, it is about me and many men who weren’t your father, men who didn’t matter after a while and one man that did. Let me tell you something, this man tried to wrest my heart and failed but when he did fail, the memory of his failure was mine to keep for many years.
I’ll begin this story at eighteen years because that was when my whole big adventure began. Picture me as you looked two years ago, only taller. You know it’s your dad’s fault that you’re not as tall as me. Also picture me a shade prettier than you were at eighteen, although I didn’t have your huge breasts and thick waist I was a slim girl in a time where slim girls were the most beautiful. I was finally back home from boarding school having completed my secondary education. That afternoon I was walking down the street to my house when someone called my name, I turned and saw that it was a young man coming out from an adjacent street. When he was close enough I realized who he was, Paul my elder brother’s friend.
I greeted him “good afternoon brother Paul (because he was a lot older than me)”
“Ifeanyi my dear, look at you! You’re such a big girl now! And so tall..” He said in awe
I smiled and murmured a shy “thank you”. Paul nodded still smiling, he made to say something then he shook his head, bid me farewell and walked away. Looking back now I see how crafty the young man had been. In leaving me there without saying anything about his interest in me he had gambled with the fact that I was a young girl and young girls are naturally curious. He must have been hoping that that innate curiosity would lead me right to his doorstep and it did.
You must forgive me for being vain but how many girls at that age enjoy the attention of handsome(he looked very handsome to me then) men? More importantly a man who was working and could take care of himself and you. Paul declared his interest in me with gifts. Weeks after we met on the street he came to our house and quietly slipped a parcel in my hand before going to my brothers room. I ran to my room and called my sisters. They all gathered around me as I unwrapped the box of chocolates and a pair of earrings, they were overwhelmed. Quickly we shared the chocolates, my sisters declaring that the chocolates were of the same high quality as the giver. I laughed at them but I should have been laughing at myself, I was so easily and successfully roped into a relationship with Paul a man nearly twenty years my senior just by a simple gift.
The first year of our relationship I began to attend Jamb classes in preparation for getting into the university. At the Jamb class I met Raymond, sorry Ray. I called him Ray because of his golden skin and white teeth, I would push him away from me in faux anger when he came close while in my heart I would be asking myself how it was possible for someone to be so handsome. Ray loved me, you know puppy love is the real love free from prejudice, judgement and expectations. Even with my hard attitude towards him he would follow me everywhere until I drove him away.
One afternoon after we had closed for the day he came to my seat and sat down. He told me he had told his mother all about me and she couldn’t wait to meet the girl who was “driving her son crazy”. I looked at him in disgust, picked up my bag and walked away. In my heart I was torn, I liked Ray a lot but I couldn’t show it because I was in a relationship, besides he was such a young boy, what could a young boy do for me?
Paul and I sat in his living room watching TV and eating Suya. My head was resting on his chest and he would raise the bottle of soft drink to my mouth when he was sure I was done chewing the grilled beef. The atmosphere was just so delicious and I was ready to ask my questions. You will soon realize that the way to know the heart of a man is through asking him unexpected questions at unexpected times. Most men are so full of memorized lies that you need to shock the truth out of them.
“So, when we get married where will we stay?” I asked
“ Here nau” Paul said motioning to his house, his father’s house. The two rooms he currently lived in his father’s house. I was shocked, so this was the life this man wanted me to live?
“This place is too.. We can’t live here nau, how can we start a family in this kind of place?” I asked again. Paul flared up and removed my head from his chest.
“What is wrong with the place?” He asked angrily. “So because your father has a big house you want to rub it in my face? See, any wife of mine will live where I tell her whether she is coming from a mansion or a hut” he finished, got up and walked out of the house. He came back bearing gifts, he was sorry, he overreacted because I took him by surprise with my question. By that time I was already feeling guilty and apologetic so I grabbed his apology eagerly.
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Another remarkable day was the day Ray walked me home, we had finished classes and he had offered to walk me home. On our way, we talked about everything, Ray told me about a girl he had fallen in love with and how she had broken his heart.
“Why do you girls always see guys your age as boys?” He asked me, the pain in his voice stopped me from jeering at him as I had intended. That’s because you are boys I thought privately. Outside I shrugged my shoulders and he continued his tale.
This girl had been responsible for him falling in love with her in the first place, she had befriended him, smiled and joked with him. Was it not wickedness to assume that he wouldn’t fall in love with her? She was so beautiful, who wouldn’t fall in love with her? At that point I felt a twinge of jealousy but I just nodded for him to continue.
I loved her so much I used to help her fetch water everyday to her house just to get an opportunity to speak with her. The day she broke my heart I was walking alone down this same street.
“You know I live around the bend right?” Ray asked me. I was shocked, I never knew our houses were so close together. I also lived around the bend yet I had never seen him, not once. I attributed this lapse to the fact that I was one of those Omo get inside children my parents never let us out of the house.
“I was walking quietly down when I saw her with her boyfriend and guess what” Ray asked. I looked at him. “He was a matured man!”
When he said that last part he paused as if he wanted me to react in shock. A part of me laughed, I too was dating a mature man. The other parts of me were afraid, what if I was slowly working towards what that girl did to Ray? How would I bear breaking his heart?
***
When I got admission I began to pack my stuff gradually from Paul’s house. I did it stealthily, carrying small things everyday so he wouldn’t suspect. I kept asking him questions like how many children he wanted to have and what his future plans were. I was also getting uncomfortable with our age difference. I didn’t know what to do to help my situation though, everyone in his area plus his family members called me his wife. Smartly I decided not to tell him where I was staying in school, that decision was one of the best decisions I have ever made.
When I finally stopped going to see him and writing him letters he summoned courage and came to my house to see my father. He did the wrong thing though, he allowed his anger and pain get the best of him and he talked rudely to my father. My father sent him out of our house stating firmly that he had never given him a wife, Paul left bitterly. His bitterness festers until this day but that doesn’t matter, I passed by his house many years ago, he now has a very young wife and four children.
I know you will be itching to ask about Ray, well Ray was doing well enough. When I got admission to Uniport he got admission to Unizik so we were only communicating through letters. Ray would begin every letter with the words Love of my life and every time I read it I would smile sadly. My love for Ray was boundless and I never forgot to tell him so. Nevertheless that love never stopped me from having my own share of fun. What? Why are you looking at me like that?.
I was seated in a hospitals lobby one miserable day, staring at the oil painting in front of me, as grey and ugly as the weather outside. My arse was smarting on the wooden chair I had spent so many hours on. I idly wondered if it wouldn’t have been wise to have just brought my bed here. Spread it on the floor and just sleep until I heard my name called. Many many hours later I heard my name and with great pains detached myself from the chair.
When I got inside the office all my anger evaporated. The doctor sitting behind the desk was such a handsome man that I instantly felt refreshed. I greeted him and sat primly in my seat while he searched his drawers for my file. I looked up minutes after to find him staring at me. For a moment I was worried that there was something wrong with my results then he smiled and handed them to me.
“In perfect health” he said, his voice was a rich baritone, I do not lie to you there was something about that voice that promised you a good time. Lol. You know what I mean right? Gosh! Children of nowadays. Anyway, I left the hospital that day happy that I had completed my health clearance and could now settle down and concentrate on going to classes.
Then Ray came to Port Harcourt to see me, and he looked so grown. He had gained a lot of height and weight and he was such a man. I fell deeply in love with this version of Ray and I couldn’t hold my excitement. We went everywhere. I took him around my school first then around the city. We laughed and joked and played. One time he carried me on his back as we neared my house. I introduced Ray to my roommate and caught her when she swooned only to kick her out.
For one week it was only I and Ray in the whole wide world. We would wake up to romantic music, eat, go out and come back to bask in that atmosphere of love. We were so happy until he had to leave and I escorted him to the park, crying like a baby when it was time to say goodbye.
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One Saturday evening I was in my room listening to cool music on the radio when my roommate came to call me. She said someone was waiting outside.
“Who?” I asked her
“Doctor” she said looking bemused
“Which Doctor?” I asked her, I was confused, I didn’t know any doctor. She gave me a dirty look and motioned me towards the door. It took some time for my eyes to adjust to the golden sunset before I could fully see the man leaning on a black Mercedes. It was a doctor really, the doctor I met at the hospital. I held my chest in shock, how had this man found out where I stayed? He smiled and motioned for me to enter the car.
“Hello Ifeanyi,” he said in that pant dropping voice again. I made to ask but he held up a finger. “I saw your house address in your file” he confessed. My lips made an O, little wonder then.
That night we drove around the city and talked and talked. Doctor who later introduced himself as Clifford remarked at how intelligent I was. Gradually we created a routine, he picks me up at 7pm and we drive round the town for two hours. At 9pm we stop at a club or a bar for drinks and chewables. Then he takes me home and drops me at my doorstep at 11pm. He was so handsome and charismatic and oh that baritone voice! We were having so much fun until I discovered that he was a married man. Quickly, I carried my two left legs and ran away from trouble. Baritone or not, no man was allowed to play me for a fool.
Then I met your father, and discovered that I wanted to get married. How I discovered is a story for another day. So Ray came to visit me around that time and one night we were taking a walk when I leaned on a tree and he was forced to stop and watch me
“Ray, when do you plan on getting married?” I asked him
He thought hard about it and said “In the next five years” my heart plummeted
“Five years! Ray I’m 23 I can’t wait five years” I cried
“ I can’t marry earlier! I need to get enough money first. Baby look at me” he held my face in his hands “ I don’t want to be like my parents, who married early and suffered for very long”
I looked at him, tears were pouring from my eyes because I couldn’t believe we just ended like that. Five years, in five years time I would be an old maid with dried up ovaries. I kissed him goodbye, our faces sticky with my tears and he walked me home.
A year later Ray paid me a surprise visit. I was no longer living in that house with my roommate so he came to school to look for me. That day I was just walking jejeli in my school hallway when someone behind me called my name. I turned and saw Ray, my Ray, my handsome Ray. He walked up to me and made to hug me but something came between us, my huge belly. He looked down and saw, his face was a mask of shock and pain, I would never forget that face.
“So this is why you were asking that question” he sneered at me “ you already had it all planned.
I could not say anything, I had made my decision and I was going to live with it. He left that day and I didn’t see him until many years later. Ray was now a medical doctor living with his wife and no child. We still talked and anytime I had problems with your father he would tell me to leave and come to him. Ray, always ready to have me by his side. In those times I would look at you, your elder brother and your younger siblings and I would shake my head with a smile. Gone are those days when we were young and free.
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