Trust Me

“I was five years old when my landlady’s house help deflowered me in the backyard of our building. I remember the day like it only happened a minute ago. I was playing a game of hide-and-seek with my friends and we were running around wildly, looking for where to hide our little buttocks…”

“D, you know you don’t have to tell me this story. We can do it another time. Let’s just go to bed.”

I stared hard at the man I loved and hoped to spend the rest of my life with. Did he want transparency? I’d give him transparency.

“Will, you told me to trust you. You asked why I always flinched whenever you tried to touch me or give me head. This has been going on for months and don’t tell me I haven’t noticed how scared you have gotten whenever we are alone in the room. You know you would want to have me but my reaction always discourages you. I notice everything, babe.”

“Baby, that’s not it. I’m not scared and I do want to touch you. But it’s not all I want from you and as long as you are sure that I’m not the cause of your fear, then we are good. Rape isn’t an easy topic for anyone to discuss.”

“I will be fine. I have you so I’m good. Now, sit down and let us talk this out. No more secrets between us, remember?”

I took Will’s hand in mine and squeezed it softly. I might have acted like a tough girl but I was no tough cookie. I was about to start talking about my past, and it wasn’t just any experience, it was one of innocence that later got stained with blood.

My blood.

“As I was saying, I was hiding in a corner in the backyard when a shadow looked in front of him. At first, I was worried that I was going to get caught, but I ignorantly felt relieved when brother Jubril showed up in front of me smiling. He whispered that he had watched me come to hide in my spot from the verandah upstairs.”

Will stared at me with pain in his eyes. I knew he was hurting just as much as I was while I was recounting the story, but he didn’t try to stop me again thankfully. I doubted I would have had the strength to continue if he had stopped me. I shivered a little and before I knew it he draped me in layers of sheets. I smiled at my ever-efficient boyfriend and found the strength to continue talking.

“He put his index fingers over his black lips to motion that I stay quiet no matter what. I wasn’t going to be disobedient myself because I didn’t want to lose against my long-standing rival, Clara. I haven’t told you about Clara, right? Remind me to tell you about her one of these days. She was a pain in the ass, but the closest to what I would call a best friend.”

Will chuckled softly. His white teeth and rich baritone pierced into my soul, leaving warmth. He held my shoulders and kissed my forehead before whispering ever so softly.

“I look forward to the Clara story and I’m here for you during this Jubril story. You are not alone, my love. I am here with you.”

I caught a speck of light being reflected in his eyes and his amber irises made it look golden. I smiled again and continued my tale.

“After shushing me with the pretext of not getting caught in the game, I noticed that he started doing weird things with my body. First, instead of standing in front of me which the older person would normally do, he got behind me. He wasn’t even playing with us because he was around 21 years or so and we were a couple of five-year-olds. Before I knew it, I started feeling something hard poking my bum, but I didn’t want to complain because I could hear the footsteps of the person seeking.”

“Wait, he was harassing you right there in plain sight?!”

“Well it wasn’t exactly plain sight since we were hiding and I didn’t even know what he was doing. I only knew it made me uncomfortable, but it wasn’t exactly the first time he would be doing it, and he was most definitely not the first person to do it. The mallam in front of our house also often did the same thing to me and everyone knew and trusted them so I didn’t think they were doing anything bad.”

The look of pure hatred and disbelief in William’s eyes could not be hidden. If brother Jubril and Mallam Yusuf had appeared before him at that moment he would have punched their eyes out and thought about his punishment afterwards. I held him briefly so he could calm down, and I continued my story.

“After rubbing himself around my immature buttocks, he put his fingers into my V and started fingering me. I was thoroughly uncomfortable but I couldn’t shout. After a while, he started alternating between using his manhood to rub me and his fingers to violate me. He was careful not to be very forceful. After all, I was still a child…”

“Shit! Fuck! Shit! I need to punch something right now because what the fuck am I hearing Destiny?!”

I had not noticed when the tears started dropping from my eyes. If it had been while I was narrating or when William started talking, I didn’t know. It was possible that my tears were what triggered him too, but I didn’t care. If I could find a way to bring all the men that had violated me before him so he could beat them to a pulp, I would.

“It’s okay, babe. I’m safe now. It’s fine, honestly. Please calm down. You know we are trying to monitor your blood pressure so it doesn’t increase. I don’t want anything happening to you because of me, so please calm down. Can you do that for me?”

He nodded severally indicating his compliance, but at that point I questioned whether it would be wise to keep talking about the whole thing all together.

“Back to the past, I knew something wrong was going on but I couldn’t stop it. Then I suddenly felt a sharp pain. I rushed out not caring about the game anymore, and thankfully, someone had already been caught so everyone was free to come out. When I went home later that afternoon I saw a blood stain on my panties but I didn’t think much about it. I had lost my virginity.”

“So D, what you’re trying to tell me, is that some sick bastard disvirgined you by fingering you at the age of five?! Is that really what I’m hearing right now, my love?!?”

“Yes! Yes, babe. It’s why I subconsciously flinch whenever you try to finger me, give me head or hit me from the back. I have PTSD with any of those sexual activities, but I can manage the rest. So when I say the problem is not you, please bloody believe me when I say it’s me!”

I couldn’t hold my emotions in any longer. The tears I had kept unshed for over fifteen years were pouring out as if I had unleashed a flood gate. My body shivered and cowered under the weight of the shame and guilt that I felt.

He’s never gonna see me the same way. I’m damaged goods. He deserves better.

Will rushed me into his arms and gave me the most comforting hug any human had ever dealt me. I immediately felt safe and protected. I couldn’t stop the tears from streaming down as he kissed me, but at the very least they were no longer flooding.

“Shh… shhh… I’m here honey. I’m here for you my love. You’re safe now baby. You’re safe with me I promise. I’ll never have you go through anything hurtful again in your life I promise. I’m sorry you had to experience something like this at all. I swear that I am so fucking sorry that it’s got me weak in the knees. I didn’t protect you. I should have…”

“…Nothing, William. You didn’t protect me because you couldn’t. There was no way you would have been able to protect me from that because we had not even known about our existence at all. I was five, Will. Don’t do this to yourself. It wasn’t your fault. It was mine. If only I had been smart enough to have told my mom then. Maybe I would have been saved from the numerous others I had had to deal with while growing up.”

“Others? What do you mean by others, babe? And what do you mean by it was your fault?! Let me put this to you straight. You were only five, Destiny! You couldn’t have known what to do if nobody had told you about it before. If we are really looking for who to blame, then it will have to be your parents.”

I stared at him with eyes that looked like they could do more than seeing– by saying what was on my mind.

“What have my parents got to do with any of this?! I thought you were even going to mention brother Jubril, or mallam Yusuf. My parents?! I don’t… I don’t quite understand you.”

William took a seat beside me on the bed and cupped my face in his palms. I was sure my puffed cheeks were doing their jobs to make my face appear even chubbier.

“Well if they had been more observant, they would have noticed a world of things that had gone wrong. They would have noticed the bloodied stain on your panties and most importantly, they would have given you adequate sex education so you would have known the gravity of the situation at hand and stopped things from getting to that point.”

“Stopped things?! I was five! What would I have been able to do?!”

“You could have run out into the open space. He wouldn’t have been able to continue touching you openly. You could have shouted for help. Even if your parents weren’t around, he wouldn’t have been able to continue if your friends were there. You could have stomped on his foot and run into your house and locked your door till your parents arrived for you to narrate your ordeal. You could have…”

“… Okay, fine! I get your point! However, what’s done is done now, you don’t want me anymore. It’s another reason why I didn’t want to tell you about this before.”

I kept my eyes rooted to the brown rug beneath our feet. I didn’t want to look him in the eyes when he told me that he longer wanted me. I didn’t want to see the unshed tears that would threaten to break out if he stayed in the room any longer. All because he could no longer be with me.

I was no longer the ‘precious jewel’ he used to call me. I wasn’t even copper. I was lead. I picked my clothes up hurriedly, not waiting to hear whether he still wanted me or not. It’s not like he had much to gain from being with me. We couldn’t even be physical anymore so there was no point. He’d be better off with a more worthy partner.

“Now take a long, hard look at me, Destiny! I love you! And I have never loved you as much as I do right now. You bared your body in front of me and bared your soul when I complained about not being satisfied with your body. If anyone is undeserving between the two of us, it would be me. I don’t deserve an amazing woman like you. What you just told me? Some women are yet to find the courage to tell their husbands of over twenty years. Still, you told me. You trust me.”

What was this idiot saying? What did he mean by he does not deserve me?

“William, you honestly deserve someone else. I am standing here half naked, telling you that various men have violated this body. It had happened not once, not twice, hell not even seven times, and seven is the number of perfection in case you forgot. I am not good enough for you. Please, make this easy for me and just let me go. Find yourself a more befitting girlfriend, get married and die happily ever after. I’m not your girl.”

For some very strange reason, William started smiling mischievously and walking towards me. He took his steps slowly and I could have sworn that I saw him rub his palms while licking his lips on his way. By the time he made his way to me, I was already fully dressed, ready to walk out the door. He held my hands in his and began to talk very quietly.

“If love is deep, trust is even deeper. Anyone can love, but not everyone can trust. Trust comes into effect as a result of earnings. In other words, you would have never told me these things if you had not felt like I had earned the right to hear them. In all my previous relationships, I had my partners love me, but none of them trusted me. I promised myself I was going to work hard to earn your trust when we finally started dating, and you’ve never given me cause to regret.

Destiny, you are not not just any human to me. You are my significant other, my partner and the woman of my dreams. When those self-damaging words try to rear their ugly heads in your mind, fight them back with these words. Honestly, you have never looked as beautiful as you do right now, right here in this room.

You trusted me once by telling me this story, and I know more is yet to come. This is why from the abundance of the love I know you have for me, I’m going to ask you to trust me once again, Destiny.

Trust me.

I vow to you that I will never, ever break your trust. Even if it will cost me my own life. I love you baby girl. And thank you for trusting me.”

All images are sourced from istockphoto