The Old Cassette Player

Lola could hear her father’s voice so clearly. It was like he was sitting right next to her in the backseat of the uber, rather than in her head.

“Nobody likes to suffer,” his words were filled with so much malice it made her shiver back then, hiding unseen under the staircase five feet away from the sitting room, the arena of the argument. And shiver now, years later, safe in the confines of the over-air-conditioned taxi.[AA1]  She leaned back to shut her eyes and ward off the thoughts, but this seemed to only manifest images that pushed the memories in harder. So she gave up and let them play.

“I want you out of my house before the end of the year,” he yelled, his voice seemed to thunder so much it made the entire house quake “If you can’t be a wife, then there’s no point of you wasting space in my house,”

“I should go, Lateef? You’re telling me to leave your house?” her mother’s words were calm, feather-light in comparison to his gruff tone. Her voice held no anger, tantrums like this were a norm in their household. Her questions simply sought confirmation, confirmation loud enough for the secret voice recorder 9-year-old Lola had clutched her hand to catch[AA2] .

“You want me to say it Yoruba too? I want you out Jibola!” he yelled back.

“Okay ohh, but know that I am not going anywhere without my children,”

Her words made him laugh, an unusual kind of laugh, different from his usual howl. This was softer, more intentional and very sinister “Your children? You think they will follow you? See you…” he said, his tone was gentler now but still had an evil lint leftover from his laugh[AA3] . He moved closer to her, close enough to share her air “nobody likes to suffer. The children love the luxury I give them. Nobody will follow you to go and suffer,”

 As the memories finally began to fade, the car came to a stop, and she opened her eyes to look at the beat down block of flats[AA4]  they parked in front of. She got down from the passenger side, walked up to the gate and gave it three sharp knocks. The metal was so rusted that it left a copper coloured stain on her knuckles.  In the few minutes that she awaited an answer, she took off her sunglasses and surveyed the old beat-up house she used to call home. It was never that well-kept, but it seemed it had deteriorated in the last ten years. The dusty front window nets were torn and tattered as they just flapped in the wind, the paint on the building had so long faded that half of it was returning to its original grey colour of cement and the other half was covered in algae, luxury my foot.

 Lola was a bit taken aback by the loud sound of metal scratching metal as someone on the other side of the gate unbolted it. Her heart began to race; she had been preparing for this visit for days but still couldn’t shake the anxious feeling it evoked. She cleaned sweaty palms on the back of her jeans.

“Lola!”

“Saul?” Lola asked in confusion. She put her hand on her forehead to shield her eyes from the sun as she peered up at an unexpected but very familiar face.

“How is my favourite sister?” he said as he pulled her in for a tight hug, she held him for a second before pulling away. She laughed a little when the shock died down, “What are you doing here?”

“I was the one who wrote the letter you got. See, there’s a lot to tell you. Let’s just go inside so you can settle, and we can talk,” he put a hand on her elbow as he began to turn back in but paused when he noticed she didn’t budge.

“I’m not staying here, I booked the hotel close by, and I have to go and check-in. The taxi’s waiting to take me there,” she gestured to her cab. “I can’t stay here… too many memories,”

He nodded his understanding, Saul, of all people understood.

“Okay, I’ll come too. They should have a bar or restaurant where we can talk,”

She smiled, “Yeah, they should,”

 “Lola tell your brother we want to play?”

11-year-old Lola turned to look at the group of boys from their class playing table tennis on the other side of the dining hall.

“Yeah, Lola go and talk to Saul for us now,” Banke said, supporting Sarah as they both stared her down.

“He’s not my brother,” she answered.

“Ughh, step-brother or whatever, just go and meet him,” Sarah said, exasperated and pushing Lola towards the boys.

She stood put, “He’s not my step-brother, we’re not related,”

Banke rolled her eyes and looked to Sarah to make the next move. Sarah looked at Lola for a while before turning and walking to the boys herself. Banke followed with Lola trailing behind a bit[AA5] , close enough to hear but still keeping her distance.

“Saul, we want to play?” she announced when she got there.

He stopped and looked at them, he wasn’t wearing his glasses so he was squinting as his eyes landed on Lola, “You want to play?”

Lola shrugged, trying to look nonchalant.

“I want to play,” Banke piped up.

“Okay, you guys can come,” Tomide piped up, “I just beat Saul, so Banke you can play,”

“Guy, you were just lucky,” Saul dropped his paddle and moved away from the board as Banke rushed forward to grab it.

Lola moved forward to join them, but Sarah turned when she got closer, “I thought you didn’t want to play?”

“I didn’t say that,”

“Well, since you couldn’t ask, then you shouldn’t get to,” she said and shoved Lola back, making her drop her bag, and spill its contents. Embarrassed, she bent down to pick up her stuff as quickly as she could, and in a second Saul appeared beside her to help. [AA6] She looked up at him as she zipped up her bag.

“Your friends are stupid,” he said suddenly.

“You’re stupid,”

“No, you are, just like your stupid friends,”

She got up and started to walk away, he joined her.

 “I thought you were playing?”

“I got bored,”

 “Well, I’m going to the library,”

“Me too,” he said with a shrug.

She looked at him, he never went to the library, but she didn’t say anything as they walked off quietly.

*Image content

Image source: unsplash.com

Saul took a hefty gulp of his beer and dropped it back on the table with a sudden bang “So, tell me, how have you been? How is life?  I want to know everything, it’s been so long,” 

“Too long,” Lola said, laughing.

“Way too long,” he said smiling; Saul had a great smile, very wide, very infectious. He was attractive in that typical Yoruba boy kind of way, smooth dark skin, his eyes, when they were not covered in his big wire-rimmed glasses, were downturned like that of a puppy. It was those looks that killed all the girls in high school. But not her, no, she prided herself on being immune to his charm. [AA7] 

“I’m good,” she finally answered, “I started a farm… nothing big but we’ve already started selling to local vendors. We do vegetables, yams and a few livestock,”

“Wow, Lola the farmer,”

She laughed and slapped his shoulder.

 “But that’s amazing, I trust you to do something so out of the ordinary. I respect that so much about you.” He took another swig of his beer then grabbed a napkin to wipe off the invisible drops on his shirt. He was as neat as ever, that was his thing. For as long as she had known him, he was always the neatest person in the room. He was the only boy in primary school who could come home with his uniform in the same condition as it was when he left in the morning.

Lola was surprised by his compliment, they were not hostile kids anymore, but she still wasn’t used to such open compliments from him. She took a sip of her coke to hide her speechlessness.

“How’s your mum and the boys?” He asked.

“They’re good, they’re all fine, they just… uhh couldn’t make it,”

“Honestly, I didn’t expect them to,”

There was silence for a moment when she cut into it, “How are you? How’s the modelling thing going?”

He looked uncomfortable as he sat up a little more and started scratching the back of his neck, “I’m not doing that anymore… I mean, I did a couple of shoots but… but… that life is not for me. I just needed something more stable, you know?”

“Yeah, sure.” She didn’t know, but it was too early for her to pry. “I’m sorry things didn’t work out, you’re too good looking for them anyway,”

He coughed, choking on his drink, “You think I’m good looking?”

“Everyone in school did, I had girlfriends who only hung out with me because I was connected to you,”

“You had stupid friends,” he said matter-of-factly.

“Very mature choice of words,”

“But accurate,”

She smiled but didn’t give a reply.

“Thanks, I think that’s the first compliment you have ever given me,”

“What? No… I’m sure I’ve said something… complimentary to you before,”

He laughed, “Nope, never,”

“How about that time I told you look good enough to be a model,”

“Yeah, and you also said that it would be best for me because modelling fit my brain capacity,”

She laughed at that, “I’m so sorry I had such a way with words. I was just used to it, that was how we communicated. You do  it too,”

“Yes, but only because I thought you would freak out if I told you something nice like that you looked pretty,”

She scoffed, “Like there was ever a time [AA8] you thought I looked pretty,”

 He looked down at his drink, then turned back to her with a shy smile “There were lots of times, I just never said anything because I was worried it would change our dynamic,”

She looked at him, they were so close she could see her reflection in his lenses. Then she faced her coke[AA9] , “Yeah, that would have definitely changed our dynamic,” she took a sip and added, “But maybe that wouldn’t have been such a bad thing,”

“Why aren’t you eating?” Saul asked, looking at Lola seated with an empty tray in front of her.

“I’m not hungry,” she said with a shrug.

“That’s a lie you’re always hungry,”

“Shut up,”

He did, which surprised her and made her feel bad for being so abrupt, “My mum couldn’t pay for lunch this term,” she answered quietly.

He didn’t say anything for a moment, then he picked up his tray and put it in front of her.

She looked up at him, “Why?” she asked.

“I’m not hungry,” he said with a smile and walked out of the dining hall. She watched him leave, then looked at the tray and pushed it away and got up.

 A loud blaring horn came in from outside and jolted her awake. She had laid back on her hotel bed to rest a little and stall the inevitable but fell asleep. She told Saul she would come to the house at four; she looked at her watch– fifteen minutes to four— it was now or never.

 Her father’s house was a ten-minute walk from the hotel. The sun had gone down a little, and the wind would clear her head so she was happy to walk the distance. She tapped her back pocket, feeling the shape of the small cassette that lay within, it gave her a boost of confidence. When she got to the house, the gate was open and she just walked in. The compound was exactly as she remembered, she was even tempted to check the little sandbox garden she [AA10] [AA11] left behind at the back but decided against it. It was better not to dwell on the past too much.

 On entering the kitchen, she was hit with a sudden wave of nostalgia.

“When you are hungry you will come home,”

His voice played in her head again, she closed her eyes to open the floodgate[AA12] s.

A 10-year-old Lola sits on a stool in the kitchen, her older brother standing and her little brother sitting on the floor as they pretend like they cannot hear their father’s yelling and mother’s pleading.

“They are your children, don’t you care about their wellbeing,”

“They wanted to pick sides, and they have chosen their side, I don’t see why I should bother paying school fees. Especially that older one, he thinks he is a man abi, then he should pay for himself,”

“Ahhn ahhnn Latif, that is your child,”

“Will you shut up, look at you, I thought you wanted to go now, you left my house, why are you here?”

“I am only here for the children,”

“I will pay for the girl, that’s all… see Jibola when you are hungry you people will come home…,”

“You’re here,”

Lola opened her eyes to see Saul standing in front of her, “Yeah, I just got in,”

“Good timing, what’s that?” he said, pointing at the nylon bag in her arms.

“Ohh I brought some waterleaf from my garden,” she said and stretched out the bag to him.

He took it from her and smelled it, “Wow, that smells like your mum’s house on Sunday, I can almost taste her Afang. You sneaking me a bowl every Sunday evening is one of my best memories,”

She smiled, “And you’ll say I never did anything for you,”

He laughed, “Fine, I’ll give you that, even though you would say it’s to prove that your mum was a better cook,”

Speaking of, “How’s your mum anyway?”

“She’s fine in Ibadan right now,”

There was more to that answer he wasn’t giving, but she knew would not get out of him now.

“Come and meet everybody,” he said suddenly, turned and gestured for her to follow him through the connecting door to the sitting room.

“Everybody?” she asked as she saw the small group of people sitting quietly on her father’s dusty old furniture. She grabbed Saul’s hand and pulled him back into the kitchen with her.

“Your dad had other kids, you knew that,”

“Yeah, but why are they all here at the same time?”

“That’s what he asked for,”

Lola didn’t think she could be disappointed by her dad ever again, yet the pang in her chest said something different, “He can’t even apologize right, he has to do it all at once so he can get it over with,”

“Come on Lola, he is sick, he wouldn’t have the strength to do it separately,”

“So you wrote to all of them?”

“Yes, come, let me introduce you,”

She followed Saul into the small sitting room as the small group turned their attention to

them, “Everyone, this is Lolade one of Uncle Ade’s kids from his first wife. Lola this is Joshua and that’s Isaac,” he was motioning at two teenage boys, one seemed young enough that her father might have had him while he was with Saul’s mother and the other old enough to have had him while he was with hers. “Their mother is Mrs Ayodele… the uhh bouka,”

“The widow?”

“Yes,”

The boys gave her a small disinterested wave.

“You know Chucks,” he said moving on to the next person, a young man sitting on her father’s favourite chair. She wasn’t familiar with Chuks but she knew his mother all too well. She showed up at their house every month to fight with her father about money. When she was younger she thought the woman was a crazy relative, she found out the truth a lot later on. Chuks gave her a small nod of acknowledgement which she returned.

 He moved on to a man and a woman about her age, they sat close together. The woman beamed up at her with a large smile.

“And this is Titi and her fiancé Aminu…”

“It’s so nice to meet you,” Titi piped up with an outstretched hand, Lola reluctantly took the hand but refused to smile back. “My mum met our dad when he was on a trip to Abuja. He visited a lot when I was little but rarely as I grew up,”

“Abuja… I remember those trips,” she remembered not seeing her dad for weeks, sometimes months and not knowing where he was, most times neither did her mum. Mystery solved.

“I thought you had brothers?”

“They couldn’t make it,”

“Ohhh eyah, I would have loved to meet them,”

Titi irritated Lola. Why did she not understand that this was not a happy occasion? They were not here to celebrate the fact that her dad had kids scattered around the country. Why are we here anyway? She wondered what exactly it was that Lateef Fowosere [AA13] really wanted.

She heard muffled voices upstairs and her father’s gruff tone made its way to her ears. Without thinking about it she turned and began to climb the staircase, the stairs that she had climbed a thousand times, crawling, walking, running. It was like no time had passed at all. Today was the day she had waited years for. Getting closer, she could already hear loud fuji music coming from his old cassette player, just like old times. When she was little the music brought fear into her heart,standing in front of his bedroom door, feeling the cool AC air coming from the small slit between it and the floor, dreading the moment she had to knock. Today, that sound made her determined.  She got to the top, the empty upstairs living room and turned to the corner where his room was.

“Wait,” It was Saul behind her, she hadn’t heard him climbing up, “I need to tell you—“

Suddenly her father burst out of his room, with only boxers on and ran over to her. He was the same stout pot-bellied man she remembered, but for his eyes, they were different. Red and wide in a way she had never seen before. “Who are you?” he yelled and stuck a finger in her face, “Who are you? You must tell me who you are?”

Lola stood frozen stiff and confused.

“I will arrest you if you don’t tell me. Who are you?”

“Calm down Uncle… Abu! Abu! Where are you…” Saul said from behind her.

“Who are you? Tell me?” he yelled at her as he kept advancing.

The realization came as a douse of cold water “He’s mad,” she whispered.

She looked to Saul for help but he was shouting at a young man holding clothes behind them.

“Who are you?” his voice was getting louder.

“She’s your daughter, sa,” Saul said from behind..

  Lateef looked at her confused, then he reached out and tried to grab her, Saul and Abu rushed forward to  hold him back. That’s when her brain seemed to kick into gear, she turned and started running down the stairs. When she got back into the living room, the other offspring were all standing and looking at her expectantly. They watched quietly as her father got free of his captors, barreled her down the stairs, grabbed her arm from behind and began squeezing and pulling at her.

 “Ohhh my baby girl, my sweet daughter,” He cooed.

“Help me! Please help me!”

They didn’t answer her, just stood and watched as she struggled with the strong elderly man. She was fighting her way to the kitchen door when Saul and Abu finally got a hold of him and pulled him away. She ran outside once she was free, her body shaking with fear and rage.  Rage that she let out when Saul came outside to meet her again after a few minutes.

“He’s mad.”

“He has dementia.”

“How long has he been like that?” she asked quietly.

“It was happening gradually for a couple of years, but it’s been a bit more serious this year,”

“How could you not tell me?”

“I was going to explain it to you, to all of you when I had you all together…”

“I don’t care about them, how could you not tell me, only today you’ve had so many chances too,”

“I was scared you would leave,”

She scoffed, “Of course I would, I’m on my way to go and pack right now,”

He grabbed her hand as she started to walk away, “You see, that’s why I didn’t tell you,”

She looked at him for a moment, then she asked, “Why are you here Saul? With him? Why are you helping him?”

“I’m his lawyer,”

“Ohh please, it’s better not to use your law degree at all than waste it on him,”

“He needed me.”

‘So? You don’t need to stay here, you can come with me to Lagos. Mummy always liked you, I’m sure she would let you stay with us. We can give the modelling thing another shot… just… don’t waste your life here,”

“I can’t… I tried. It just didn’t work out,”

“He doesn’t deserve your help, you’re not the one supposed to do this,”

“I know, you are,”

“Yes I am, but I choose not to. Not to let him tie me down with pity as he has clearly done you,” she pointed a finger at him, “So what are you doing here? Writing letters and wiping him? That’s your job now?”

Saul let out a tired sigh, “Just talk to him, he’s always a bit lucid after his medication. Listen, he has some money–“

“I don’t care! Do you know why I was the only one who would visit when my mum left? He used to call me his favourite because I was his only girl, his only daughter. The one good thing, the one good memory I had of him and even that was a lie,” Saul didn’t respond this time so she continued, “I had all these things I wanted to say to my father, I was going to tell him that I had forgiven him not because he deserved it but because I refuse to let him be a burden on my soul. But I looked into that man’s eyes and he is not my father, my father is gone. I have no business here anymore. Neither do you,”

“I’m helping…”

 “What about your mother, his girlfriend or his wife or whatever, where is she? I heard she’s been in Ibadan for the past few years. She didn’t want to deal with this, so why are you?”

“Because life isn’t as easy for me as it is you,” he burst out suddenly “You were right about one thing, I never had the brain for office work. When the modelling didn’t work out I tried… I tried to find a good job but…a third class law degree is practically worth nothing. I‘m not good at life Lola. No one needs or even wants me.”

“Saul, I…” her words were softer, surprised by his outburst.

“Don’t. You of all people Lola… you know. I tried, even when you left for university I called so many times, but you were too busy. You want to know why I’m here, why I’ve been helping out with your dad for the past six months? Because of you, I needed to see you again, this was the only chance I had to do it. But one thing is clear, even after all these years you still don’t want me. And I’m done trying.”

With that, he left the house.

“You should go and play with Saul,” Mummy Saul, daddy’s “special friend,” said to 9-year-old Lola while she was seated in front of the TV. Lola pretended not to hear her.

“My friend she is speaking to you, will you turn off that TV!” her father yelled, Lola did as she was told and faced them[AA14] .  Faced the ”friend” who only ever seemed to visit when her mum was at work and spent the entire time holed up with her father in his bedroom.

“I said Saul is outside, you should go and play with him,” Lola knew Saul from school, but they weren’t friends. He was too popular to be her friend. Well, she wanted nothing to do with him either and his inappropriately friendly mother.

“Oya go outside now, you know he’s like your brother.”

“Yes, ma,” was her only reply and she went outside, “He’s not my brother,” she whispered under her breath.

She walked to the back. He was sitting on the well slab, bent over and picking at the plants in the sandbox next to him.

She ran to him and yelled, “Stop!”

He froze in shock and turned to her as she knelt beside him, “You’re killing them,”

He stared at her in confusion, “Killing what?”

“My plants,” she said as she grabbed the plants he yanked out and held them gently.

“I’m sorry, I thought they were just weeds,”

“No, they’re not, it’s going to be an orange tree, I’ll have to replant. I just hope they don’t die,”

“I’m sorry,” he said

She didn’t reply, she just started digging a hole with her fingers. He got up to leave when she said, “You’re not my brother, I don’t need another brother,”

“I don’t need a sister,”

His reply surprised her and she looked at him then nodded her head in agreement, “Where’s your dad?”

“He’s dead.”

“Do you want mine?”

“No, I hate the old man but my mum likes him so…”

“I hate him too,”

He looked at her in silence for a moment, then nodded. “Do you need help with your flower?”

“My plant… you can bring some water,”

He rushed up, dusted his knees and ran to the task. He came back with a bowl full and sat next to her as she replanted.

She paced for several minutes, she finally stopped shaking and started to think. She was leaving, going back home tonight. She had no reason to stay, she came to speak her truth to the man that had caused her family so much pain. But what was the point now? What defence could a mad man give? She looked back at her old home, there was something she still had to do.

 Saul needed air, but with air came clarity and when he got back to the house it was clear he was filled with so much regret. He’d imagined how he would tell Lola how he felt about her a million times but this was even worse than all the possible bad scenarios[AA15] . At least now he had the confirmation that he needed. She would never love him, it was time to stop chasing that ghost and move on.

“How much longer do we need to wait?” Titi asked when he walked back into the living room. They all looked at him expectantly, like little minions, the old man’s little minions. [AA16] They were all here in hopes of an inheritance, they disgusted him. But how could he judge when he was no different?

 Lola’s words rang in his head, why are you here? The real answer to that question was a lot sadder than he could say. He had nowhere else to be. The old man needed him but Saul needed him more. “I’ll go check on him now.” He answered quietly.

 As he climbed up the staircase, he heard voices instead of the expected Fuji music they put on repeat to keep him calm. A woman’s voice then a man shouting. At first, he thought Lola was still here but it didn’t sound like her.

“Please stop shouting, the kids can hear you.” The woman said calmly.

“Shut your fucking mouth. I want them to hear, they deserve to know that their mother is a witch!” The man yelled. “Your mother is a witch!” he said louder.

That was definitely the old man’s voice, he was sure of it. He climbed faster.

“I’m just a bloody ATM to you people, that’s all. Buy this, buy that, but what do you ever do for me? You and your useless children.” the old man said.

 He expected to see people in the living room when he got up but all he found was the old man sitting by himself in his room. He was so still, Saul almost wondered if he had died sitting up. He looked closely and saw the rise and fall of his chest indicating life. It was still so strange, he hadn’t seen him sit like that since he fell sick.

“You are stupid, tell yourself that you’re stupid… do it now!”

“I am stupid…” a little boy said timidly.

“Good, so that you know that you will never be smart.” the old man’s voice again, but it wasn’t coming from his mouth.

 Saul moved closer to him, then he saw the tears slowly running down his face as he stared blankly at the wall. Saul looked around until his eyes finally fell on the source of all the noise, all the voices.

 “Daddy please stop…” a little girl wailed.

There was a loud slap sound, the sound of skin hitting skin and a woman screaming.

“Please… please stop…” the girl cried.

But the sound came again and so the screams continued. He couldn’t bear to hear anymore. He moved to the cassette player to turn it off. He paused when he noticed a piece of paper with some writing on it beside it.

Saul

Stop using me as an excuse and leave this place. It’s not a home, it’s a prison.

– Lola