In-between

Diana sat in the middle row, right in the centre of the pew. Squashed in-between Simon’s cousin Tega – who he only saw once every couple of years – and his obese co-worker named Martha. Or was it Mary? Bottom-line, she was in the random aisle. Not upfront like family and close friends, not at the back like the latecomers and acquaintances that wish to remain unknown. No, she was just seated in the middle like any other person in attendance, just an average well-wisher and nothing more. 

  “… he was just such a great friend… ugh… I wish I told him that more often… because he was…” sniff sniff, “He really, really was…” Tobi looked at the displayed picture of his best friend and put a hand on his chest, right above his heart, “You were a good friend bro and I love you so, so much,” Then he broke out in tears, emitting loud sobbing sounds as he walked off the stage. 

 The crying didn’t stop when he got back to his seat, not even when his wife tried to console him. And not when Deborah, the next speaker, got up, walked over to him and held his hand. The whole room watched as she pet him and whispered words of condolence. Watched as she made her way to the stage after her selfless act of comfort. She got behind the pulpit, adjusted her dress, wiped the corners of her eyes, took a deep breath and scanned the crowd.

Basking in the attention of the entire room for a few moments before she opened her mouth to speak, “Simon was a good brother,” She paused then smiled, soft and sad, a bittersweet grin, “And I’m not just saying this because he’s gone, it’s the truth,” she snorted, “I mean, he was an awful loser and could never shake your hand with a straight face if you won a game against him,” Laughter rang out from a few areas in the room, “But…” she raised a finger to silence them, her smile got wider, eyes watered up, “When it came to family, he was present, always involved and so kind.

Just last month, he paid off mummy’s mortgage… this mortgage that has been pending since we were children. Why? Because he got a big bonus at work. That’s it, he didn’t use the money to travel, get a better car, new gadgets or buy a new house, he didn’t even use it to clear his own debts. He thought of family first,” her voice broke, “And that was the kind of man my brother was. A good person… a good brother,” she looked at Simon’s picture, “A good son,” she looked at her mother, “A good friend,” she looked at a still sobbing Tobi, “And a good husband,”

Her piercing brown eyes found and settled right on Diana, “My brother was a good person altogether and today we’re not going to grieve a tragedy, we are going to celebrate the life of a good man, cut too short,” Taking her eyes back to his photograph, she said, “I’m going to miss you, little brother,”

 And with that she was done, her speech was short, sweet and deliberate, much like the person who spat the words. She walked off the stage slowly, purposefully as a round of applause sounded off. It was a great performance, even Diana felt the urge to clap. But unlike everyone else she didn’t forget the reason she was here – regardless of Deborah’s “touching words” – to grieve.

As much of “a good person” Simon was, he was dead. Not off on a trip somewhere, not sick or in a coma, not missing, just dead. Shot and killed by a spooked tout in a botched highway robbery a week before his thirtieth birthday. It was sad. Thinking about the way he went brought tears to her eyes. It didn’t matter what kind of person he was, there was absolutely nothing to celebrate today.

 The pastor called for the next speaker and another person walked towards the stage. This had to be the tenth person eulogizing him today, she thought to herself. Diana wasn’t complaining, it was nice to see that so many people loved Simon but she just didn’t know he had such “tight” friends. This new speaker was a young woman, tall and slender, she was fairer skinned and judging from the texture of her hair possibly mixed race.

She came from a seat in the back row and everyone watched her awkward trip to the front, the suddenly silent room emphasizing the click-click sound her black stilettos made with every step. Finally on the stage, she faced the crowd with tears falling from her eyes but made no move to wipe them away.

She stood there, face bare and swollen, unapologetically crying in front of a room full of people and she somehow looked beautiful, “None of you here know who I am, at least I don’t expect you too but Simon was a very good friend of mine…” sniff sniff, she wiped her nose with a handkerchief she had balled in her fist, “You might be wondering why some “very good friend” feels the need to come out here and talk…” she scoffed, “

Honestly, I’m wondering what I’m doing up here too… all I know is that I needed to talk to him today, the way we used to. Just tell him how I’m feeling, how my day is going, what I ate for breakfast…” she giggled, sniff sniff, “Then I realized he wasn’t here anymore… and… that I was never going to have him to talk to ever again.

So I got this other need, just as overwhelming… the need to talk about him. That’s why I’m here, standing in front of all of you, people I don’t even know, who don’t know me, to talk about someone I did know and who knew me well…”

And so she proceeded to talk about him, about Simon, in such an intimate way. She said a lot, she knew a lot, the good, the quirks and the funny stories, even little things that Diana had no idea about. And with every word she twisted the knife that was already lodged in Diana’s heart. The girl spoke with such ease, like she was doing no more than talking with a group of friends. By the time she was done, people all around the room had small smiles on their faces. There was no applause, there was no need for one this time, but when she walked off there was a clear vibe in the air that they all approved.

The service didn’t take too long after that, the solemn walk to the graveyard, a few words there and everyone made their way back to the service hall for a quick reception. Diana stood by the corner of the room, wanting her presence known but trying not to make it obvious. This proved an easy feat, considering how people noticed her and then went out of their way to ignore her.

She was ready to leave, she had done her part by showing her face and now she was ready to make her exit. But she didn’t know what was appropriate, how long it was expected of her to stay. She looked at her watch, she could maybe do an hour longer, that should be long enough, she hoped.

“In a hurry?” Diana looked up and came face to face with Felicia’s — Simon’s mother’s — disapproving gaze, a look she hadn’t seen in a while but was still very familiar with, “Do you have somewhere you need to be?”

“Ohh… no ma… of course not… I… I was just looking… to see… I mean to know…” she struggled with producing a full legible sentence so she took a breath and tried again, “The service was beautiful,” she said, finding her sentence in a shelf marked “appropriate things to say at a funeral” in her mind library.

“Yes, yes it was,”  The woman said simply.

“Uhh… it’s good to see he was loved by so many people,”  She added another sentence from the shelf.

“Does that surprise you?” Felecia asked bluntly. Her question surprised Diana, the older woman was usually a lot subtler with her attacks in the past.

“No… no… of course not… I know people love him… uhh loved him, I mean… he was such an incredible person…” she stopped, flustered. Felicia did not look convinced, so when she added the last part she was speaking more to herself than to Felicia, “I loved him…”

Simon’s mother looked at her like she had grown two extra heads and a pair of horns. She opened her mouth to speak but quickly shut it. Then she just turned and walked off – or more like stormed her way through the crowd. 

 Diana stood there shaking her head and wrapped her arms around herself as she watched Felecia go. She shivered, she didn’t know whether it was because of the cold in the overly air-conditioned room or it was just the chill left over from that brief  icy conversation. She felt stupid for saying it, those three little words but they just came out.

She looked across the room, the light-skinned girl from earlier stood by the buffet table. She seemed to be in a deep conversation with a group of Simon’s high school friends.  They watched her riveted as she talked and talked, the girl clearly had a way with people.  Or maybe she just had a lot to say. Whatever it was, Diana hated her for it.

 Turning away, she started walking, she didn’t know where she was going until she got there, standing in front of the picture. It was his work photo, arms crossed and a wide fake grin, the one they put up on the company website to make it look like their employees were all eager and happy. Simon hated that picture, which made it so ironic that they would use it at his funeral.

 She had avoided looking at it all day but now she stared it down, “I loved you…” she spat out the words in anger like she felt the opposite sentiment.  Tears filled her eyes and she tried to wipe them clean with the back of her hands, “Did you hear me? I said I—“

“Still can’t believe he’s gone,” Diana jumped a little at the voice that interrupted her moment, wiping the excess tears quickly, she turned around. Deborah looked at the picture with a calm smile as she moved to stand next to her, “I still feel like any moment he’s going to walk through the door and say this was all a big joke,”

That made Diana laugh, “Maybe he’s still trying to get even with you for the shaving cream prank,”

Deborah started laughing too, “We were in high school when I pulled that…” she said incredulously.

“Yeah but you know he never got over it, he still claims his eyebrows didn’t fully grow back, apparently he used to look like an angry bird back then,” Diana laughed harder, after a while, she noticed she was laughing alone.

“Claimed,”

“What?” 

“You said he ‘claims’… it’s ‘claimed’ now,” Deborah said in a quiet voice.

As her laughter died too, Diana winced inwardly at her mistake, “Yeah… uhh yeah… I forgot for a second…”

Deborah didn’t say anything and they stood in awkward silence for a moment.

“Your eulogy was really good… I mean nice… I mean it was beautiful… it was very beautiful,” Her words were really failing her today.

She nodded, “Nothing less than my brother deserved,”

Diana smiled, she didn’t want to say anything or the wrong thing, so she just nodded.

“I’m happy you came, you know? Mummy didn’t want me to send you the invite but I knew you should be here. He would have wanted you here,”

He would have wanted to be alive, Diana wanted to say but she just nodded and said, “I hope so,” instead.

“He always loved you, even after everything… he still loved you… I just… I just wish…”

Diana felt uncomfortable, somehow she suspected that she wasn’t going to like Deborah’s next words but still, she asked, “You wish what?”

She let out a sigh, “I just wish you guys could have worked things out,”

That wasn’t so bad, Diana was expecting a lot of words but nothing like that. She had no idea Deborah felt that way, “Sometimes I wish that too, especially on a day like today,” she smiled at the thought, a sad smile, “A day like today makes us feel a lot of regrets,” The sentiment brought tears to her eyes.

They stood in silence for a moment just looking at him, together.

“Maybe if you had just forgiven him, you wouldn’t have to regret,” Deborah said suddenly, it was so quiet Daiana almost missed it. 

“Excuse me?”

 “I mean how can you stand here and shed tears over him when you just let him go like that? I don’t get it,” She didn’t even look as upset as she sounded but that was Deborah for you, always keeping up appearances, “I understand it was hard but you could have let it go, if you really wanted to,”

“I… uhh… I…”

“Well… your tears are wasted now because he’s not yours to cry over, not anymore,”

 And there it was, what she had really expected from Deborah, the nice stuff was just to soften her for the main blow. Diana nodded her head, trying to keep the tears in her eyes from falling on her face. She realized it was a battle she couldn’t win – not with her tears and certainly not with Deborah – so she just turned and walked away. She stalked quickly to the door, she didn’t need to check her watch, she already knew it was time for her to go. She brushed past people, not caring to acknowledge anyone she might know or anyone that might know her.

“Woah Woah Woah…” someone grabbed onto her elbow, “Slow down before you run someone over,” Tobi looked at her, tears long gone and a new found humour in his eyes, she stared back in anger and tears streaming down hers, “Where are you rushing to?” he asked softly.

“Home,” was the only word she could choke out.

He nodded, his expression getting serious and without letting go of her elbow he led her out of the hall. Once they got outside he stopped, “Where’s  your car?”

She led him there, she wasn’t ready for any conversation so she distracted herself by searching her purse for her keys. 

“Diana?” he put her hand on hers, stalling her search, “How are you doing?”

This was the first time someone had asked her that since she heard the news and it was like he just opened floodgates. She couldn’t hold her emotions any longer, she just started crying, sobbing hysterically. Tobi wrapped his arms around her and let her get it all out. When her spasms finally calmed she looked at him, “Thank you,” she said softly.

He shrugged, “We all need to let it out at some point, I have definitely done my fair share of that,” he sighed, “Listen Diana, we’re all struggling with this, he meant a lot to e—“

“The girl,” she said, cutting him off, “The one that spoke, the fair one… was she…?”

Tobi looked away but not before she saw the guilt written all over his face. That was all the confirmation she needed, “Today is not about that,” he said.

“What is it about?” She scoffed, shaking her head, “I came here today to show my face just like everyone else but they all treat me like I don’t deserve to. They eyed me, gossiped and whispered, some just flat out ignored my presence. To be honest, the silent treatment was a lot better than the direct confrontations I just faced.

I am tired… I’m just so tired of pretending like I’m the villain. Like I didn’t lose something, lose the most even. It’s my best friend that’s in that coffin, the man I lived with for the past five years, who knew everything about me. And I knew him, Tobi… better than anyone in that room… me… I knew him best but I’m not allowed to say that, right? I’m not allowed to care too much and they judge me if I don’t seem sad enough.

The man I loved most in this world is dead. But who cares when you’re the ex? No one knows what this has been like for me, what I am going through. How hard it is to lose someone you loved so much. And how confusing it is to mourn someone who broke your trust before he passed. Tobi, I had to sit there and listen to his girlfriend eulogize him, the ink on divorce papers isn’t even dry yet. But… do you want to know what the real joke is?

The saddest part of it all…” she laughed a mirthless laugh, “With all that I still can’t hate him, after everything he did, and it hurts… I mean it physically hurts to love him. So I’m just stuck in-between… in-between love and hate, in the middle of friend and stranger, in the center of a rock and a bed of nails. And now that he’s gone, that’s where I’ll stay, never knowing where I belong.”

Tobi stood there, clearly speechless. Feeling like she had burdened him enough, Diana patted his arm, “Thank you,” she whispered again, opened her car door and got in.

All images are gotten from pexels.com