I left: Dare and Fate
I intend to butter this bread thoroughly just as I buttered the last. I intend to treat it as I treated the courses I took to get my college degree, methodological, slowly, too slowly. Sometimes, I wonder alongside my mother. What happened to this child? She thinks everyday. I used to be a very active child, always in a hurry to cross milestones until I just stopped.
My name is Dare, at the time of writing this story I am a 30 year old young lady who still lives with her mother somewhere in Nigeria. Single with no prospects of getting a spouse in the near future. Fat from spending too much time in front of the television and too little time doing exercises, yet not fat enough to sacrifice my love for nicely buttered bread.
Sometimes, I ask myself the same question what happened to me? Every time, I do not get a good answer. I had always wanted to get a college degree because my mother got pregnant with me and couldn’t go to college despite how intelligent she was. I always wanted to make her proud, watch her see her dreams come true as a way to thank her for choosing to drop everything and take care of me.
When I got the degree everything ended. I came back home to my mom and yes I know she thinks I did that because I wanted to be close to her but that’s not true. I am here because I have reached the end of the road and now there is nowhere to go.
***
“Rise and shine!” someone screams in my ear. I startle awake unconsciously stretching out my hand to push the offending voice away but my hand meets empty air.
“Wakey wakey!” mom says again and I groan, my mom is my very own annoying alarm clock. Early riser that she is, she expects me to be up by 6am and that’s just wrong. I love to sleep in, it gives me the added boost I need to start the day. Speaking of the day, I jump out of the bed, narrowly escaping my moms tickles and set about making breakfast. Yam and egg sauce, my mom records videos of me preparing meals everyday.
“See how I cut the yam into small cubes? It helps it cook faster. I will rinse and put it into a pot of water, then place it on fire” I turn the burners switch with a dramatic flare
“I am going to slice the tomatoes, onions and peppers into a saucepan with vegetable oil then i’ll let it fry” I do everything with the professional precision learned from watching Food channel since I was little.
It is important that I whisk the eggs well before I turn it into the sauce pan” the aroma of the sauce fills the room and I take in a deep breath.
I check my watch It is 10mins already “the yam is ready to serve, the egg sauce is also ready to serve!” I say loudly putting off both burners and doffing my chef hat to the camera. Smothered by my moms loud applause, I think we are a happy bunch, we are.
***
“Dare, Dare wake up” my mom said tapping me gently on my shoulders. I blink blearily at the wall clock, 2am. Why was my mother doing this to me? I sat up respectfully and looked at her. In the half light she looked old. The laugh lines around her mouth and the frown lines on her forehead announced that wrinkles would come after.
“I’m awake mom” I tell her, placing a hand on hers.
“Good, I want to talk to you about your future” she replies
“What future ma?” I ask perplexed.
She swallows and looks away “I’m worried about you baby, it’s been five years since college and you seem not to be making any plans to settle down”
“I have a job mom” I tell her
“I know! You have a job that keeps you in front of a computer all day, you only go out to get the groceries, or on Sundays to church” she is getting worked up, the vein beside her head is starting to bulge out.
“What do you want me to do” I ask her quickly. She smiles as I knew she would. Manipulator.
I created an account for you on a dating site she says as she shoves a piece of paper into my hands. I stare at the piece of paper in my hand, it reads:
Username: Dare2Love
password: Just1guy
Site: Datingig.com.
I look at it again and scream “Mom! you used my real name!” and her laughter dances around the house. What had I been thinking when I suggested my mom go for computer training and digital skills classes?
***
I wake up to loud whistling, the birds outside my window are outdoing themselves. You see, there is something wonderful about living close to nature, it gives you the opportunity to wake up to the sound of rain beating against little green leaves, water rushing through the pipes and birds chirping away. I open my windows and breathe in the fresh air. I must have been a sight, standing behind the open window with my little green shift and my face turned up to the early morning sky. The smell of breakfast draws me to the kitchen.
“Good morning mom” I greet my mom with a kiss.
“Dare2love” she replies making me burst into laughter “how is your quest for love going?” I turn away and she gets the message.
“Get out of here, go do something good with your PC!” she says shoving me out
“Mom!” I protest weakly and return to my room. To tell the truth, it had taken me two hours of deep thinking last night to finally come to terms with the fact that I needed something to change in my life.
***
Dare2love, I type “my” username into the site, after inputting my password, I fill in the necessary information. I am a 30year old woman who is in search of a man between the ages 30 and 35. Two pictures pop up, one is of a sexy hot looking guy from Canada and the other is of the back of a man’s head turned towards the camera. His hair is kinky and looks soft even through the screen. He is Fate from South Africa. I am intrigued, I click on his picture and send hi.
I sit and wait for his reply but none come. I decide to clean my room so I won’t be too far away from the screen while I work. I clean my room until it looks really good yet no reply. I give up and leave to spend time with my mom. We prepare lunch, she asks me how far I’m into my latest book and I tell her I’ll be completing it in two months time. We have lunch and I rush back into my room. On the screen I see his reply
“Who are you?” he asks. I stare at the screen perplexed
“Dare” I type back
“Strange” he replies then goes offline.
Ignoring him, I focus on building my account. I put up my profile picture, a picture I took two years ago when I wasn’t this fat and slobby. I put in my hobbies reading writing and having fun conversations. Then a message pops up
Fate :are you there?
Yes I reply.
Why are you here anyways.. Fate asks?
Dare2love: I don’t know, I just… my mom convinced me
I hit send before I realize how pathetic that sounds.
Fate is typing…
Fate is offline
“Damn! He goes offline in the middle of our conversation!” I think hitting the computer screen shut. I am so embarrassed at my last message, my room suddenly feels stuffy and small. I leave the room, remembering that I had wanted to water the flowers in our garden. Always, these flowers remind me of myself and my mom. When I water them I picture my mom standing over me with a watering can and watering me all these years just so I would become someone respectable. I pluck a red hibiscus flower and stick it in my hair. I pluck another one for my mom. Afterward I spend hours out there just sitting on a mound and immersing myself in the serene atmosphere of the garden.
When I get back to my room there’s a notification on my screen
Fate: I’m Fate and you, you are lovely?
I cover my mouth with my hand for a while before I remember to reply
Dare2love: ☺️pleased to meet you.
***
Three weeks later
Dare2love: Kate Hapman is just so beautiful, have you seen her recent photos?
Fate: the ones she took at the Gala?
Dare2love: yes
Fate: She did look beautiful indeed
Dare2love: ☺️ I’ve always wanted to be like her. She has such a perfect life.
Fate: hmm, I wouldn’t be quick to say that if I were you.
Dare2love: Why?
Fate: We all have our problems, there’s no perfect one among us Dare..
When I wake up the next morning I remain in bed mulling over those words. I think about myself, my never ending worry that I wasn’t making my mom proud, my apathy to doing something forceful in my life. Sometimes I blame myself for coming back, then I think of all the good times my mom and I have shared in the last five years. Sometimes I wonder who I would have been now if I hadn’t returned to live with my mother, what I would have begun.
A notification lights up my screen and I jump out of bed
Fate: good morning babe
My brain does a backflip, babe! He called me babe!
Dare2love : Hello Fate
Fate: What will you do today?
Dare2love: I’ll write two chapters of my book
Fate: Great, where will you go today?
My fingers reach out to type then I read the message again and stop short. I’m not going anywhere, we still have groceries. I look at my computer screen
Fate is typing…
Fate: I know, we’ll be going out
Dare2love:We? How?
Fate: How do you see taking me around your neighborhood?
Dare2love: What?
Fate: Take a camera with you, I’ll want a long video. Take pictures Babe.
Dare2love is typing.
Fate is offline
I glare at the screen and delete my protests. I spend two hours getting ready to leave. My mom catches me sneaking towards the kitchen for a bite. Dashing my plans of sneaking out of the house unnoticed into pieces.
“Dare” she calls me, her voice is puzzled. I walk out of hiding to meet her. She stares at my jeans and sneakers, at the camera hanging around my neck, my done up hair, the smudge of lipstick on my lips and she smiles “Where are you sneaking off to?”
I smiled back weakly “ I just want to take a stroll down the neighborhood, you know… see stuff” My voice trails away as she raises an eyebrow at me
“Come on, have breakfast before you leave” she says beckoning me to follow her. I love my mom.
***
Fate is typing
Fate: Are you there?
Dare2love: Yes I am
Fate: Tell me something about you
Dare2love: what do you want to know?
Fate: how do you feel when you love someone who doesn’t love you?
Dare2love is offline
Fate: Babe?
Fate: Babe?!
Fate: Dare…
I lie curled up on my bed nursing a reopened wound and cursing Fate for being so insensitive. His words reminded me of my pathetic story of unrequited love. Cliff, God even now his name sounds so sexy to me. I was fresh out of secondary school when we met at the movies, back then I used to go out with my friends to have fun. Cliff had no interest in me from day one.
I might have been the dust under his feet for all he cared but I loved him. I loved his shoulders, I used to dream of running my hands all over them. I loved his laughter, I dreamed of him one day laughing into the crook of my neck. When we graduated from secondary school it broke my heart, at that time I couldn’t imagine Life without Cliff. Then I got into college and met him again, we were in the same hostel off campus. He was friendlier to me and I sucked it all up. Everything changed one day.
Thunder rumbled in the distance, I stared at the two pairs of feet before me, one pair was mine the other pair was Cliff’s. The rain had caught us as we were coming from classes so we were hiding under a narrow shade huddled together for warmth and survival. We must have spent hours there shouting on top of our voices to converse above the noise of the rain.
We talked about our secondary school days, I talked about how I had managed to make good grades, he talked about how alone he had felt even though half the school fawned over him. By the time we finished talking I was more in love with him than I ever had been.
“Come with me” he said smiling at me with that handsome face. “ we have waited long enough here, lets brave it”
I smiled and took his hand, running as fast as I could beside him. The rain pelted us as we laughed and hurried towards our hostel. When we got there we were shivering to our bones. My room was upstairs so he beckoned me into his room and gave me a towel to dry.
“Let me do it for you,” he said as he took the towel from me, his voice was husky.
His hands heated me up faster than a week under the sun would have. I was wide eyed. His hands roved around my body and he peppered my face with kisses. Soon we were in a hurry to take off our still damp clothes.
The next day I woke up with a wide smile on my face. My eyes creaked open and quickly snapped shut. The light coming through the window was way too bright. I heard Cliff before I saw him, he looked so rumpled and hot my mouth watered. Then I stared at the bundle in his arms, they were my clothes, I looked in his face and he looked away. His rejection broke my heart and a tear spilled down my cheek as he dropped the clothes into my arms and walked away.
I wipe my tears on the pillow, and crawl back to my PC. Fate’s last message blinks on my screen
Fate: Babe?
Dare2love: Fate, I think I’m giving up on love.
Fate: Then what happens to me?
Dare2love: I don’t know ..
Fate: It’s fine. Just don’t forget
Dare2love: What?
Fate: Be you.
Dare2love: Fate..
Fate is offline.
That was the last I saw of Fate, it’s been one month since he deactivated his account. Everyday, all our conversations run through my mind till it gets to the part where he tells me to just be myself. In the last month I have gone to the movies, the beach, the supermarket, across town. When I am out I hear Fate’s voice in my ear saying “take pictures babe” so I have taken a lot of pictures and saved them on my computer. Some part of me still hopes we meet again someday. Some part of me hopes Its not too late to start this journey. I kiss my mom goodbye as she holds on to me, my eyes firmly set on the road and boy it is a long long road.
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