I Am Looking For My Wife (E1 – E3)

E3 - Palava

After I had recovered from the Kayamata incident, I was ready to go and confront the girls, ask them what they had done to me. When I was stepping out of the house, Tony met me at the door.

“Where are you going?” He asked, looking at me from my head to my feet with a comic look made even funnier by the chewing stick hanging from his mouth.

“I am going to meet those girls. I deserve an explanation” I replied. Tony hedged me until I was inside the house then he closed the door with a flourish.

“I am fine. Nothing do me” I said and when he lifted his hand to check my eyes. I slapped it away.

“My guy, maybe nothing dey do you now, but something go surely do you if you go meet them,” he said, then he turned suddenly serious. “Why you no smart? You wan make them do am again?“

I ended up not going. I didn’t totally believe his doomsday narrative but there was a little sense in it and I couldn’t ignore it. We went to the bar instead, seeing as I was already dressed and could not possibly waste the cloth. The bar was on the mainland and a bit far away from Tony’s house. It was around 7 pm when we got there. I and Tony picked two girls of our choice.

We were quietly drinking in our corner when we heard a shout from one corner of the bar. I looked and lo and behold it was Jane with the skin like milk. By that time the other girl was already kissing me all over. Jane got up and approached me. As she was getting close I tried to push the heavy burden off me but it was not working. The very large girl held me like a vice.

Soon Jane was upon us with a full glass of wine in her hand. Before I could say Jack Robinson she began to pour it on both of us. It was horrible, my white senator material was stained with red wine! But God no gree shame me. Before Jane could say, Jack! My village girl pounced on her and took a fistful of her human hair in a vice-like grip. Jane screamed like a goat roasting in the fire.

I was so dumbfounded as I watched them tear into each other. Tuah!! A dirty slap hit my face and I turned to see Tony looking at me angrily. He gave me a very dirty look and dashed out of the bar. I did not need any Aproko to come and tell me to follow suit. I zipped out of the place. Meanwhile, both women were still fighting.

Other men had left their chairs to try and separate them. Those ones were just using the opportunity to touch breasts and yansh. Anyway, I got to the car in good time. I was not pleased with the way Tony slapped me but what could I do? He had helped me once again so I could not complain. Thank God I escaped. God save me from Karishika.

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JOY

My love language is music. I love music so much. When Jake was still courting me, he used to send me songs as a way of showing his love for me. Then he grew tired of me and the music sending sputtered out like a pipe attached to an empty tank. Moses was a lover of music. His playlist was to die for. It was one of his cool song selections that masked our moaning from the person who was behind the door.

See me that was forming ‘STRONG WOMAN’ cheating on her husband with a tight face. When that knock sounded, it felt like someone was beating a drum on my heart. My mind flew to the high heavens. I never thought I cared so much until that moment. Jesus Christ! For a moment I was paralyzed. All the wet I was wetting dried up. I had already started to hit Moses’ shoulders for him to put me down but he had other plans.

“Shhh,” he told me. I was sweating. He kissed me. I could not move my lips. The paralysis reached my mouth. He kept kissing me. I was dying inside. The knock refused to end. In my mind I was like, please don’t break down the door. Then the knock stopped. I waited with bated breath for a moment then I attempted to come down.

Again Moses had other ideas! He pulled me up and began carrying me to his room. I would have talked, told him to pull me down, but who give me that mind? It was still doubtful that the knocker had left so I kept my mouth shut. Long story summarized, Moses gave me good loving. The kind of love I had never seen before. In fact, I went home cross-eyes.

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JAKE

After all the shenanigans (Shenanis that I got lol) I decided to go back home. A man can travel all over the world but there is no way like home. I kind of missed my wife and her soft touch. The flight back to Benin was uneventful and I got home by 2 PM which was extra early for me. Benin was extra quiet because of the public holiday.

When I got into the house, everywhere was spotless. My wife never disappoints in these matters. A true African woman. I was hungry so I went to the kitchen to eat. My wife always leaves food in the fridge and when I met an empty fridge I knew something was wrong.

Joy! Joy! I called her name throughout the house. She did not answer. I walked around the compound and saw that everywhere was overgrown as though she hadn’t been around for long. Even the boys’ quarters looked extra dirty. My anger was growing as I asked myself, did this woman also take a break? Was she cheating on me?

I shook my head and told myself that she wouldn’t try it. It was too hard to imagine because I knew that if it turned out to be true I would die. No one wants to imagine his own death so I kept quiet. I went around the house again calling her name. After several trips, I decided to dress up and go ask the neighbors.

Iye was blowing her beans or whatever when I got there. I asked her a simple question and she made it look like I was either blaming or bothering her. These old women can be so rude at times. When she called me a useless husband I felt it in my soul. I did not want to accept it but a part of me was telling me that I was a useless husband indeed.

The guilt began to eat me slowly. I went to my wife’s fashion outfit and found it locked. I called her head tailor and that one said she hadn’t seen her for four days. Four days! In my mind I was thinking, that’s enough time to kidnap someone, use the person’s body parts for sacrifice and dispose of the rest. I could not yet believe my wife was gone. I began calling all her friends I knew. Rachel, Ivie, none of them knew where she was.

I called my friend Solomon. He was a lawyer and I wanted him to be beside me when I reported the case to the police. He joined me very late. Took him a whole one hour thirty minutes to come from his house that wasn’t very far. At that point, one hour thirty minutes felt like an eternity to me. Scenarios were playing in my head.

What if my wife had gotten tired of me and decided to commit suicide? What If she had been abducted by Fulani herdsman? Did I have millions in my account to pay for ransom? Solomon drove into the compound. I walked over to meet him.

“Guy calm down. See as you dey walk like who carry pikin head for inside him trouser” he joked.

“Solomon, my wife is missing,” I said. He raised a hand to silence me.

“See. I know you are panicking but let us not jump into conclusions” he said. He came down from his car and walked me into my own house.

“What do we do? I want to go and give a statement at the police station o” I said.

“Have you called her parents?” He asked me. I opened my eyes wide and cursed myself. Where was my sense when it was needed? I dialed her dad’s number. Her mom picked it and lovingly asked how I was. Her voice was not sounding like an angry person’s voice but I could not conclude so I asked her if Joy was with them. She said NO.

Solomon was looking at me in a way I did not like. I knew I was in SOUP but did he have to look at me like that?

“Is everything okay?” Joy’s father asked from the phone. I think you need to know that Joy’s father is ex-military. I knew that if I said one nonsense piim I would be dead meat, so I just tried to downplay the fact that I was looking for her and hung up.

“She’s not there,” I told Solomon. He nodded. He must have heard.

“Call your parents,” he said. I did as I was told. My dad’s number didn’t go through but my mom’s number went through.

“Hello mommy” I greeted her.

“Jakie. How is my baby boy?” she asked. I knew she was waiting for the customary reply “your baby boy is now a man” but I could not even smile, talk more of cracking a joke. Shit was getting serious by the second.

“Mommy is Joy with you?” I asked.

“Your wife? No, she is not. Why are you asking?” She asked. Nigerians. They can never answer a question without generating a question. I needed the call and walked over to my sofa to just collapse there and rest for a minute. My legs were shaking.

“We should go to the police now,” Solomon declared. I couldn’t get up for a moment, I just lay there examining my life. What would I tell Joy’s parents happened that I was unavailable for their daughter. How would I explain to them that she was gone? I got up and picked my car keys.

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***

The police took my statement. They told me to go home and wait for two days before it would be official that my wife is missing. I paid them some money and one of the officers agreed to come back with us. Just to look around. He was currently searching through the house. Energetically turning over chairs and looking behind doors. I and Solomon stood staring at the floor.

Suddenly there was a loud honk at the gate. I ran outside and was already opening the gate before I realized that my wife’s car was still packed in the compound. I looked outside and saw my parents walking towards me. Gratefully I opened the gate for them. My mom enveloped me in her warm hug and I stayed there for longer than I had dared to do in years.

“So where is your wife?” My dad asked me.

“I don’t know Sir, I am looking for my wife”. I said. My voice must have shaken because my mom squeezed my hand.

“When last did you see her?” She asked.

“Last month,” I said quietly.

“Last month! When last did you talk to her?” My mom asked in outrage.

“Last week”

“Hei!!!” My mom shouted.

“Olivia keep it down!” My father scolded her. She stared at him, then at me, and started walking into the house muttering.

“Let us go inside,” my father said. I followed him with my tail firmly between my legs.

A few minutes later another honk sounded. This time I didn’t even bother going to check. Solomon went for me. Like demons from hell, Joy’s parents stepped into the living room. At that moment I knew that my life was over. Things were happening so fast and I was finding it hard to process everything.

“What did you say happened to my daughter?” Joy’s father asked. I was sitting down before, but I got up quickly.

“I don’t know where she is, sir,” I said. He looked at me with utmost disgust on his face.

“You don’t know where your wife is?” He repeated.

“Yes Sir” I replied. The temperature in the room dropped so low I could feel my knees knocking against each other.

He turned to his wife “Honey look what this Jackass is saying” he said. She laid a hand on his arm.

“Calm down,” she said. His face darkened.

He freed himself from her grip and advanced towards me, his fist at the ready. I fell back in my chair. Luckily for me, my dad (who was a much smaller man) intercepted him and they both stood, staring at each other for a minute.

“Let us not fight. The police are here. A lawyer is here. Let us try and get to the root of this matter” my father, man of wisdom, said. Joy’s father obeyed.

“When last did you see my daughter?” He asked. I swallowed the lump in my throat.

“Last month,” I said.

“Last Month!” He repeated. Then he laughed a wicked laugh.

“When last did you TALK to her,” he asked.

“La-st we-ek Sir” I stammered.

“Don’t Sir me!” He bellowed. “Oh look at who I gave my daughter to!”

“I have a clue,” I said. Everyone looked at me. “The morning I traveled on ermm official duties, I caught her with a pregnancy test kit. She thought I didn’t see it but I did. As we all know, I never wanted children so soon. I think she might have gone into hiding because she fears my reaction when I find out she is pregnant.”

Everyone began to murmur about how they couldn’t believe I left a pregnant woman alone for a whole month.

“That’s okay now” The police man’s voice rang out. The whole room became quiet. “I believe this is the lady we are talking about.”

Whatttttt!!! I jumped off my chair and truly Joy stood behind me with her arms folded. I wanted to run and meet her, hold her, shake her, but it was too much. I fell down to my chair and put my head in my hands. I felt when she walked past me and went to sit at the other end of the room so that she faced the rest of us.

When I raised my head, it was to see her smiling. We were all staring at her when she began to speak.

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“Good evening Mummies and Daddies” she started. As one waking up from sleep, the elders began talking about how she had them worried but she held up her hand to stop them and continued.

“I am glad everyone is here.” She said looking around. “We even have the police and a lawyer to make everything official,” she said.

“What do you mean?” My mother asked.

“I have an announcement to make” She said.

“Your husband already told us,” her father said. Joy seemed surprised.

“Told you what?” She asked.

“That you are pregnant,” he replied. For a moment her face was all calm and normal and then she burst into laughter, so suddenly it shocked me. When she was done she wiped her eyes with the handkerchief I got her for her last birthday and dropped the bomb.

“I am getting a divorce.”