How 2020 Has Been For Me
I looked around to catch any of my siblings snooping around. It wouldn’t be the first, second, or zillionth time they would be trying to gain access to my diary. I had tried different methods of protection but they seemed to have a higher power that could nullify all my hard work. I sighed at how silly I must be looking at the moment and shook my head at myself in self-pity.
“Heuw… Beebee, you don suffer. Na you all these small small children dey take play tinko tinko like this. Na wa oh.” I continued my internal monologue of self-pity until I had to remind myself why I was there in the first place. I wanted to pen down another day of my life so far in the year 2020.
Diaries have never been my thing, but with the global lockdown came new hobbies (and habits), or better still ‘hobbits’, like I liked to call them. I found myself wanting to document my everyday experience throughout the year in a book, and before I knew it, I was well into ninety days in my diary.
Anime, Tiktok, Instagram, and WhatsApp status updates (not chats oh…chatting has been stressful abeg) kept my body and mind occupied while penning down my thoughts and feelings kept my heart and emotions in check. While some people were visibly going over the edge, some pretended to have their acts together by making sure they participated in all the challenges that popped up on Tiktok and Instagram.
A lot of hit songs came out during the lockdown. ‘Tussie slide’ was my favorite challenge because it was simple enough for my siblings and I to particulate. I was just about to take out a piece of ‘Happy Happy’ chocolate chip cookies and a bottle of juice to accompany me down memory lane when I remembered that I would have to do it all over again if I didn’t pen it down now.
I still took out my cookies and juice of course, but as always I got down on my bed and spread my legs wide enough to cover as much space as it could, so no one would have nasty thoughts of joining me on the bed. I loved to write in my diary alone.
I cleared my throat as though I was about to speak, not type. I always never knew how to start, but all the inspirational books I’ve read this year have taught me that whenever you wanna do something and don’t know how to go about it, just start!
“The first step isn’t always the most solid, still it’s a step at the end of the day! Take more and see if you won’t end up finishing your journey.”
I looked around, I had definitely not read that quote anywhere and I knew it could only have one source. I smiled knowing who the Source was– He was my precious Holy Spirit. He had been my biggest supporter throughout the year and He had just spoken to me again.
I always loved to hear His voice because with it always came comfort, direction, and hope. I smiled to myself again, quickly jotted all His precious words in my revelational note, and settled down to start writing in my daily log. I was about to start writing in a new document when my eyes rested on a particular log. It was a Saturday, 20th June 2020.
Saturday. 20th June 2020
Dear diary,
I got flowers today but just like every other disappointing time I have written it in this book, I didn’t get them from the guy I longed for. I got them from Tobi this time. All those nights that we snuck out to see each other and make out in the empty kiosks in my estate, I relish them. I miss them, I miss him.
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Ayo had left me broken again, I honestly can’t keep up. It’s been exactly a month since we broke up but I don’t know if I have truly moved on. I mean, don’t get me wrong, Tobi has really been trying his best this period. He has really been here for me these past weeks. He has honestly been a blessing, getting me fresh flowers every day, but that’s the thing.
He’s too available, too nice, too present. It makes the relationship boring you know? I love flowers and the whole lockdown ish has made it impossible for anyone to go get anything from any eatery. I have legit been craving Cold Stone ice cream for weeks now but there’s no way for me to get it : (
I just wanna be happy and Tobi isn’t that happy pill.
I’m always subconsciously checking my notification bar to see if I got any new message from Ayo that I failed to notice. I checked both WhatsApp and my SMS messages but there was nothing from him. He was playing his game of hide-and-seek with me again. This is so sad, I feel so sad. Why does he have to treat me this way every time? Does he not know I love him and want to be with him? I don’t even need his flowers, I just need him.
I need him to stay sane in all this chaos.
Anyway, the number of cases of those that have caught the dreaded coronavirus seems to be increasing. So many people are currently crippled by fear. Nobody seems to want to die even with how they complain every day. Lol. You would think they would be happy to finally find a way to move on to glory without actually killing themselves.
Well over here, all of us seem to be coming down with something in twos. Last week it was Ohis and Iyere, the week before it was Ruth and Naomi, and this week it seems to be Omo and I. We think we caught corona but mummy won’t let us even whisper it, talk more of discussing it.
Currently, all six of us have lost our sense of taste and smell, Omo has been feeling feverish and I have this terrible headache that won’t go away no matter how strong the pain killer is. I legit feel like cutting my head off right now because I can’t deal with this pain, but it’s mom I feel pity for. She’s so tired and confused, she has even visibly lost weight.
We on the other hand aren’t bothered. We know that there is no way we are going to die because we understand our identities as children of God. We didn’t even bother to quarantine ourselves or anything like that. Lol, I remember how Taiye reacted when I told her that last part. She simply laughed her head out and said Nigerians were too reckless.
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She told me about how strictly they were observing all the Covid-19 safety rules in their family in Canada. They literally did not allow the total number of people in the house to pass five. It was my turn to laugh hard. We were eleven in my family, what would we have done in that case then? Conduct a ballot, have the lucky winners stay, and throw out the losers to the streets? Leemao.
We aren’t worried though, children of God or no. We simply know we will survive this pandemic. I’m still hurting from my break up by the way. I never knew I would end up missing Ayo. This is definitely a first and it is making me reevaluate my emotional state of being. Am I going through an emotional metamorphosis? Does this mean that I too am capable of being attached?
Could there be the hope of me sticking to one person for a long while in the future? Maybe I can dare to hope to spend my eternity with one partner? The following months and years will decide that.
For now, it’s just vibes and Insha-Allah, like how Deko likes to say it. Vibes and grace, girl. I can’t afford to be stressed as it is, the world is already stressful enough right now.
Sigh. Today is Saturday, normally I would be in rehearsal by this time, but we are still under lockdown. I think it’s time to go prepare dinner. See you again tomorrow.
Love,
Beebee
It seemed touching enough. Reading that day’s log got me really emotional. It was obvious I had gone through a lot in the past few months that my brain had even cleared some events to prevent further mental and psychological scarring. I had heard about it in movies but I wasn’t sure. How the brain subconsciously reduces the pain from a certain event on its own to help the individual move on with their life and prevent further damage.
I settled down to start writing the day’s log. I had already prepared dinner, had my bath, and changed into my pajamas. It had been months since I last wrote in my diary, making the already difficult task of starting to seem even harder than usual. Again, I subconsciously peered over my left and right shoulders. One would think that I was about to do something really naughty.
After completing my surveillance check, I snuggled deep into my bed and raised my white duvet to my nose. I always liked to be well tucked in whenever I wanted to engage my diary and today was going to be no different. If anything, today seemed more like I was about to conduct a sacred ritual because it had been a while since I did it.
Saturday. 26th December 2020
Dear diary,
I’ll be honest and say it’s a bit weird for me to do this right now. Especially since I haven’t been here since the 20th of September. Let’s just say that after the lockdown got eased out, I got too busy with that new job I started in August. It’s been really demanding but I’ve also been doing my best ;).
I’ll be honest and say that I lost sight of my need for you after the lockdown eased out, but that was wrong and dumb of me. I underestimated your usefulness in my life and honestly, not finding an outlet to pour out all my pent up emotions into is terribly unhealthy. I learned that the hard way and that is why I’m here today.
Well, today I won’t be writing only my usual daily log. I have decided to use this opportunity to do a little catching up with you and get everything that has happened to me in the past few months out of my system. It might be a bit long but I’ll try to summarize them as best as I can.
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First off, after the Covid lockdown, we had to undergo another short lockdown period. Lagos state had to impose a curfew on its citizens and soon afterward other states joined too. It was because of the #EndSARS protest. It was a bloody experience I wouldn’t wish anyone to witness. The Lekki tollgate shoot down (which is still a much controversial topic by the way) left many Nigerian youths agitated and depressed.
There was blood everywhere as men stood to fight for justice. In the ensuing weeks after the #EndSARS protests, the lootings started. Stores were raided and looted. Shop owners wept and mourned. There were even rumors of a man that died after his shop got looted. Whether it was fear, worry, or simply health problems, no one knows.
Oh, there’s also the palliatives gist. Lol. This one is hilarious. Some people discovered a warehouse that was supposed to be a depot for the government palliatives that were supposed to be shared with Nigerians during the covid lockdown. You should have seen the number of foodstuffs and provisions they discovered. They were in hundreds of thousands, it was just crazy abeg.
People started rushing in to carry stuff into their houses, for them, that was Christmas. I’m sure some people even saved up enough to take care of their Christmas preparations. Many Nigerians were angry to the core. No thanks to the Covid, many people were rendered jobless and had no source of income. That palliative was handed down to each local government area so that everyone could benefit from them but they didn’t share them, they wanted to keep them to themselves.
Also, I found out recently that I was sexually abused as a baby. I’m still processing this one and I don’t wanna go into the details because I’m not ready to get depressed all over again. The past twenty years of my life have been a lie I guess. All this while, I was ‘preserving’ my virginity, if only I knew that I was protecting something I already lost a long time ago.
Anyway, today is the day after Christmas. Christmas was uneventful as always, just lots of food, friends, and pictures. Oh, and I checked my blood pressure yesterday. It was really scary, everyone flipped out. Sigh. I need to start taking care of myself more, I’m too young to be feeling this stressed and tending towards hypertension.
The countdown to the end of the year 2020 has already begun. Five more days! Though contrary to popular opinion, a part of me wishes 2020 didn’t have to end. It might sound crazy with all the terrible things that have happened this year. I’ll tell you why I think so when I come back tomorrow! And no, it won’t be like last time that I ran away for months. Lol.
Love,
Beebee.
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