Crazy Things

I looked around, the pungent smell of sweaty armpits mixed with excessively sprayed perfume choked my lungs, causing my nostrils to twitch involuntarily inside the office. A room that must have originally been designed to serve five people at maximum capacity was currently hosting at least twenty bodies.

The police officer directly adjacent to me landed a swift but resounding slap on the cheek of my neighbour. I held my own left cheek out of reflex while staring at the hand print that was sure to stay tattooed on his face for at least two more weeks.

“You dey mad?! Na me you dey follow talk with big big English? Abi you want make I forget my hand for your face again?! See this mumu idiot oh. You dey form big boy, dey drive car you no fit vomit ordinary 200k since. If you, if you, if you try talk for there again, I go commot your teeth with another slap. Abi this one dey crase?! You no know where you dey?! In fact, stand up! Kneel down! I say stand up! I go show you today!”

With each “If you”, the officer raised his right hand as though he was trying to slap the young man. I also watched how confused and frustrated he looked as he was ordered to stand up, kneel and stand again. I understood his pain, any normal human would feel the same way.

I was going through a similar hell myself. The police officer on my case had been giving me dirty looks since I was brought to the counter. I couldn’t blame him either, my dress was enough to smart any Reverend Father and make him forget his calling for the first five seconds. It fit tightly to all my curves and contours like papier mache to its container. I was well rounded too– evidence of good living like my friends liked to call it. I knew that wasn’t the case though.

“Good living ba wo? Na im I dey do hook up?? God no go shame us abeg.” I yanked the falling cleavage of my dress back up and made a face at the officer that showed him how much I didn’t appreciate his drooling all over my boobs.

“Well I no blame you. Na situation make me wear this kind cloth. If no be condition, shey person like you suppose use that your kind dirty hand touch person like me?? A whole VIP like me?!?”

I followed my internal monologue with a long back up hiss and added a few more cusses before making the most innocent face my tired ass could muster at the moment to beg for my release. It’s not like I had done anything either. The officer had only picked me for indecent dressing and maybe taking one or two gulps from the Smirnoff Vodka I was shamelessly walking around with. It’s not like it’s his business whether I want to live or die. After all, it’s my body and I’m an adult. I can do whatever the fuck I want with my body.

I eyed the thirsty looking police officer and actually contemplated giving him what he wanted so that he would let me go. I changed my mind immediately. I wasn’t going to stoop that low. A lot of things had happened but life had not gotten unbearable enough that I would willingly allow these kinds of men to touch my body. I subconsciously shook my head again in disgust. “God forbid. Tueh!”

I took a slow, deliberate look round the room that ought to be a waiting room for offenders to plead their cases with the officer before being thrown into a cell. It was honestly a bit better than I had imagined. The stories I had heard about police stations from friends and coursemates had painted scenes that had settings straight from hell. This didn’t look like hell. In fact, if not for the sweaty fifteen extra bodies that were competing for the aromatic peace of the room, it would have passed off as a very nice and conducive office.

My eyes rested on the box of a television set suspended on the wall with a wooden base and the sound of AIT’s News at Ten intro grabbed my attention, gluing my eyes to the TV set.

“Might as well take my mind off things for a while…” I was still trying to make sense of the third headline news that stated that “A Seventy three Year Old Retired Soldier Rapes His Seven Months Old Great-granddaughter In The Room of His Granddaughter In Law During Their Family Vacation in Obudu Cattle Ranch, Cross River State, Nigeria…”

The human mind truly was infinitely mysterious. How someone could conceive something so demonic and diabolical left me bewildered.

“He should be stoned to death in the middle of Ojurin market right after having his balls cut off, the useless perverted old fool. Argh! Perverts like these always make my skin crawl. She is just seven months old for crying out loud! She hasn’t even pronounced her first words yet. This is the kind of introduction she gets to the world?!? Later when someone like her becomes a nymphomaniac drug addict prostitute, people will point fingers and say trash about her. Ugh! I hate this gender!”

I was still frowning visibly and unapologetically at everything that had a penis in the room, when a specimen of similar build, but obviously different class, strolled into the room like he bloody owned the entire State CID building. I would have thought he actually did if a police officer had not barged into the room, disrupting my slowmo viewing experience of the god that had descended into the realm of mere mortals like me.

“Who make this one ACP wey he dey waka like say im be our oga?! If I mama you five hot slap now, you go waka like say you be the criminal wey you be. You think say I no know your type? You dey form calm guy calm guy like you no know say two plus three is equal to five. I been dey try follow you talk small small for outside you dey form agidi, you dey claim rights. That your right, you go come recite am for inside cell this night. Nonsense! Come on move before I land you hot slap for your neck! Idiot!”

My demigod walked on charismatically, as though the words of the police officer behind him were nothing but angry barks from a poverty stricken dog. His silence made him even more attractive and at that point the primitive female instinct in me decided that she wanted to jump his bone. Of course I wasn’t going to allow her.

“We are a modest lady. We do not go around jumping strangers. Even though this particular stranger be looking like a full course meal. Damn… he fineee. I just want to trace my fingers along that chiseled jaw. How is one this sculpted to perfection? Abi na plastic surgery?? God abeg, see somebody’s son naaa… heuw! Michael Angelo has nothing on this young man…”

I was still shamelessly drooling over his sculpture of a body when I got another wave of attack. It was his smell. He had a manly, musky scent that announced his presence two feet ahead of him. He smelled like burnt charcoal mixed with coffee and oak wood. Don’t ask me how I know how oak wood smells when I’ve never been around it but I just know. He smelled like the forest. Better still, wildlife… Yes, that had to be it. There was something wild about him that made the eight thousand nerves inside my creamy pocket dance for joy and in excitement. I needed to experience that wildness. It beckoned to me.

Before I could recover from his aromatic attack, he sent me into shock by appearing right beside me on the bench. He leaned in close to my left ear and whispered ever so lightly “you smell nice.” I didn’t need anything else from the young man. He could have asked me to undress right there and then and I would have happily obliged. His rich baritone sent shivers down my thighs and made my legs quiver slightly. I composed myself of course. I didn’t want him to see how much he affected me.

“Th-Thank you… you smell really nice too.” Nice? Yeah right. As if “nice” was the proper adjective to describe the godlike scent that permeated my nostrils, leaving me slightly nauseated and lightheaded. He smelled like sex and danger and every other thing you could think of that would intrigue even a nun’s feminine senses. He had got me alright. I wanted to be his puppet, if only for the night, so that he could play with me however he wanted. I wanted this man in front of me but the police officer opposite me forcefully ejected me out of my reverie by hitting his hand hard on the table.

“Which kind enemy of progress police officer be this one??”

I looked back at my new found crush. His face remained perfectly motionless. He would occasionally break the picturesque image of his face to quietly demand to see his lawyer when he was asked any question.

“I know my rights. I choose to stay silent till my lawyer arrives.”

Every time he said that, the officer seemed to get even angrier until the last time that he retorted back at my prince charming. “Then you go sleep for cell this night! You think say na this one wey you dey do wey you dey speak English here since. By the time them hold your knicker, you go know say kaki no be leather. Nonsense. Abeg getat!”

After his outburst, he stormed out of the room. Whether he was going to take a piss or dinner or smoke, I wasn’t sure, I didn’t care. All I knew was that I wanted to get out of my leopard skin body con dress and into my comfy PJs listening to Justin Bieber singing me to sleep. Maybe have this huncho beside me, who knows? I don’t mind. I looked at him again, but he was dozing off already. How could he fall asleep in a place like thi…?

A gentle thump on my shoulder almost sent me off my seat. He had dozed off and rested his head on my shoulder. It was then that my nostrils truly experienced a barrage of sweet smelling aromatic attacks. I thought his ‘masculine oak wood scent’ was the only weapon he had, but apparently he had something else. Something more delicate, fresh, if I may, fruity. It combined with the oak wood to create a fresh yet musky scent. It was a battle of scents between pure macho manliness and fresh, delicate, fruitiness. I just wanted to die in his arms.

I stared around. It was now just the three of us and the lights were out due to a power outage. The other policemen on duty were either busy slacking off or plain sleeping. The more active ones had moved to the counter to attend to emergencies. Meanwhile, Mr. Spring-bringing-the-forest-to-life continued his mental onslaught on all my five senses. I had thought that only my eyes and nose were under attack. I couldn’t have been more wrong. The moment his skin landed on mine, I knew I would eventually shift pant for the guy one day.

I was still trying to process the environment and all the information that seemed to be playing a game of tag in my head when I suddenly felt strong hands on my neck in the dark. Subconsciously, I reached out to my attacker and hit him in the chin. No way anyone is gonna harass me in a police station. It was when I heard the voice of my supposed assailant that I knew I had judged wrong. His rich baritone boomed a loud “ugh!” across the room.

“Oh my gosh I’m so sorry, umm…” I wasn’t sure what to call him because I didn’t know his name. I wasn’t about to call out the outrageous nickname I gave him either. It was dark and I couldn’t see him, my frustration couldn’t have been more evident.

“Richard… My name is Richard. I’m sorry about earlier, ummm…” I proceeded to complete his statement “… Jayne. My name is Jayne. Nice to meet you Richard.”

“So…” I looked around awkwardly in the fat silence that covered the entire room. For once I was grateful that PHCN was doing their usual job of not providing light.

I reached out to him to apologise for my earlier attack but due to the darkness that enveloped the entire universe at the time, I fell on him and landed in the most immodest of positions.

My low cleavage dress that could barely hold down the watermelons on my chest, gave way, releasing my boobs from the fabric prison they had been held in, and landed on his face. Not to mention that my left palm found its balance on his crotch. This part was exceptionally funny because I didn’t know what it was and I kept trying to feel it to know what it was. It was when I started to feel muscles tensing underneath his skin that I realized I was in his body’s military zone, and I was trespassing.

I immediately sought to remove my reflexively perverted palm from his body when he held me back in place.

“Wait what? He doesn’t want me to leave?! Am I dreaming? I don’t remember falling asleep though. Is he for real holding me down right now? Oh my gosh I can’t believe this is happening!!!”

Thirty minutes later, I could feel cold sweat dripping down my tummy from under my breasts. I wasn’t the only one sweating. He had just finished the mating dance and I was still wondering how we got the nerve to do what we just did where we just did. He was still panting hard. He deserved it. Man was a stallion that ran his race like the star horse that he was. We were still cuddling when he asked me the most outrageous question I had ever heard in my life.

“So… you ready to break outta here?” I blinked twice and tried to understand the gravity of his question. “Wait what?! You want us to break out of a police station? You want us to run away from the law? Rich, you crazy!” He covered my mouth with his broad palm and spoke in hushed tones. “Calm the fuck down babe! You want them to wake up and catch us naked?” I reasoned the matter and agreed to stay calm. After waiting for a few more seconds to see if I would scream or not, he heaved deeply and spoke.

“Look, these guys have nothing on me. They caught me with Molly while I was driving and that’s why they took me in. He wanted me to bribe him but I’m not gonna do that. Imagine him asking me for three hundred thousand naira just because I was carrying pills. I wasn’t even using it. So, I’m gonna break out tonight. I don’t know if anyone is coming to bail you out this midnight but I’m too sexy to sleep in a place like this. Except you have three hundred thousand naira to spare. I don’t mind right now.”

I looked at him hard in the darkness. This was a tough cookie but he was right with one thing. “I am too sexy to sleep in a place like this.” I thought quietly and together we devised a plan to escape. I was going to be the lead actress that determined whether the plan would work out or not. After going through the simulation with me thrice, I braced my shoulder and got up to work.

I started screaming hysterically. Five seconds into my scream, Nick started shouting “Help, she’s nyctophobic. We need to get her outside!!!” At first, nobody believed us. Until I suddenly fell down dead silent. The two officers in the room rushed out while Rich was carrying me. In the heat of the whole situation, they forgot themselves and ran to get help from their superior. That was our cue. We had initially thought one person would at least stay with us but the both of them leaving was definitely a sign that the universe was on our side.

We ran, we ran till we couldn’t run anymore. We had already slipped our phones into our pockets while everywhere was still dark. I immediately ordered a bolt ride with my phone and that was how we escaped from the clutch of the law.

We were still breathing very hard and looking at each other intently, amazed at the other’s level of craziness when Rich spoke up.

“You were amazing out there babe. You one crazy hell of a Barnie, and you know what? I like that.”

I smiled in full confidence remembering my Best Actress of The Year award from my church in 2010. I looked at Rich, smiled and snuggled deep into his chest to finally rest properly that night. Too many crazy things had already happened.

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