Confessions

“Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I had my last confession three months ago, and these are my sins: I lied to my mother that my fiance and I had already started making preparations for our wedding when in reality we are always at each other’s throats. 

I also stole the attendance notebook at my office because I noticed that it was the fifth time in a row that I would resume late to work. I didn’t want them to deduct the ten thousand naira lateness fine that I would be given after the ‘weekly assessments’. “

“I see… is that all my child?”

The priest’s voice coming from the partitioned chamber beside mine was cool and formal, but endearing all the same. He sounded like a father indeed. 

I had never been big on confessions, even though I had been a Catholic all my life. It was why my confessions were usually so interspersed with many ‘unholy acts’ that I sometimes feared where I would spend my afterlife with the distance between my visiting the confessionals if I were to die suddenly.

“N-No Father… ermm I have also noticed that I have been nurturing malicious thoughts towards my partner for some time now. I am currently in a toxic relationship that I am fed up with and it’s driving me insane. I have even gone as far as poisoning him in my sleep and suffocating him with my pillow. I am honestly just tired. I don’t wanna do these things, but I can’t stop the thoughts from flowing into my head.”

A long silence.

“Well, I guess you are done speaking. I just want you to know that irrespective of whatever you do, God still loves you. You are His child and His beloved creation. No matter what you do, as long as you approach our Most Holy Father with all reverence and genuinely ask for forgiveness, He is always mighty to save.”

He coughed a bit awkwardly before continuing. 

“With respect to stealing the attendance book at your office, I’ll advise you to return the book and reschedule your timetable so you can become punctual. Set targets for yourself in respect to that…”

“Targets? Me? Lol, yeah right. I am a natural tidsoptimist, my flakiness knows no bounds. There is no saving this girl here, man.”

“… You should also try to be more honest with your mother, dear child. You profit nothing from deceit except hurt and disappointment from those who love you and value you. The truth always comes to light. Instead of lying to her, why don’t you talk things out with her and get advice on how to go about your broken relationship? It’s not like you are a fifteen-year-old child who is still hiding her boyfriend from her mom. You are an adult. Act like one.

Apostle Paul teaches us in 1 Corinthians 13:11 that “When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things.”

“Well isn’t he the man? I guess I’m still a child then. No way I’m going to call Mom on the phone and have us dissect my love life like it’s a pizza pie. No way”

“Now, for your penance, go to the Blessed Sacrament and recite five decades of the rosary. Right now, say the act of contrition.”

“Wait, how does that go again?  Was it: oh my God you are so gracious and merciful? Or oh my God, you are so good and kind? It’s been so long. I keep forgetting this thing. Ugh! I’m taking too long. He’s definitely gonna know that I don’t do this often. Fuck me. Oops. I’m in the presence of God. God forgive me. God forgive me. Okay, here it goes. Fingers crossed.”

“Oh my God, because you’re so good, I am very sorry that I’ve sinned against you, but by the help of your grace, I will not sin again.”

I listened to the soft droning of his voice as he said the prayer of absolution. It was comforting to listen to and for a second, I forgot I was in a confessional.

“God the Father of mercies, through the death and resurrection of his Son, has reconciled the world to himself and sent the Holy Spirit among us for the forgiveness of sins; through the ministry of the Church may God give you pardon and peace, and I absolve you from your sins in the name of the Father, and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit. Amen.”

Thankfully, I was able to catch myself in time before he said his amen. I had gotten lost trying to match a face with the melodious voice I was hearing. I hurriedly replied with my amen and dashed off to carry out my penance at the Blessed Sacrament.

“T-Thank you, Father…” 

I watched the surprised look on the faces of the other penitents who had come for their confessions. I read their somber looks as quiet condemnations. I could feel them judging me from the corners of their eyes even though there were no logical reasons for me to think that. 

I made my way to the Blessed Sacrament and brought out my rosary to pray. It was going to be one long penance to pay, but it was worth it.

“I know I normally hate doing this, but nothing beats the joy and peace I feel after carrying out my penance. Nothing is as soul-lifting as the peace I experience whenever I pray.”

After a very long hour of kneeling to say my prayers, I suddenly felt a strong urge to go and receive counseling. I especially needed help in my dying relationship. I could already foresee myself receiving breakfast, any day soon. I couldn’t take that.

It took me a minute to get my body to adjust to the new standing position after kneeling for so long. The cushion kneelers were all nice and pretty but it still couldn’t suffice for the discomfort of being in a position that long. I watched the other people sitting and lying on the floor.

“Nah… can never be me. I don’t see myself doing that.”

I stood up and heard a crack from my back. I stifled my small scream so I wouldn’t disturb the other penitents that were carrying out their penance.

“No matter how many times I do this, I don’t ever see myself getting used to it. I get muscle pulls every time I stand after kneeling for so long.”

It was a Saturday and I could hear the mass choir melodiously practicing the choruses for mass the next day. The lead singer had a resounding soprano that could pierce into the heart of any human who listened to it. I immediately made a mental note to not miss mass the next day no matter what Paul did to me. 

I made my way out of the chapel, but not before I made the sign of the cross. I tried to remember where the priests’ offices were situated but it proved to be a bit difficult. You see, not only had it been three months since my last visit to the confessional, but it had also been three months since my last visit to the parish in general. I had not set foot in any chapel in three months. 

“Maybe it’s why everything seems to be going awry in my life right now.”

I climbed up a fleet of stairs (lies, they were only about sixty steps or so), and made my way into the priest’s office. He was there, reading his Bible and looking very young. He coughed a little into his army green handkerchief and reverted to the Bible he was reading. 

“This man should still be in his early thirties at most. What in God’s Name is he doing as a priest?!? See skin now, see build. 

Ugh! This should have been someone’s husband and father. Now he’s claiming to be married to Christ and father to all of God’s creation. I think it’s noble, but I also think it’s a bit sad. Damn! Virginia, you came here to get counseling, not to check out the priest.”

“Good evening sir. My name is Virginia. Virginia Adams. I would love your counsel on some matters that are troubling my heart, sir. I promise not to take too much of your time, I wouldn’t want to disturb your study.”

“Sure, my child. Have a seat. Talk to me. What troubles you so?”

“Forget his physique and skin, look at his face. Those hazel eyes and long lashes. Not to mention his well-groomed beards and those lips… pink, succulent… wait a second! Virginia! What do you think you are doing right now?!?”

“Get thee behind me, Satan!”

“I beg your pardon?”

“Oops! I’m sorry sir. It’s just that some negative thoughts just crossed my mind. You know what? I think I’ll just come again another time. I just remembered that I need to stop by the market. Thank you so much for your time Father…”

“… Paul. Father Paul, my child. Since you seem to be in such a hurry to leave. Let me help you with some scriptures that you can meditate on to help fix those negative thoughts.”

“Great! He somehow had to end up with the same name as my fiance. Just great!”

“I would really appreciate that sir.”

I took my seat again. This time, I took special care to ensure that I didn’t look him in the face before my lustful mind would start undressing him from top to bottom.

“Bottom… I wonder what is down there…”

“Jesus! Blood of Jesus! Get thee behind me Satan!”

I was about to sprint out of the room when I felt the calmest human touch ever on my palm. It wasn’t forceful or seducing. It was faint, light as a feather but heavy as a rock. It carried grace. And sadly, it was very brief.

“Peace, be still.”

It was all he had to say but those three words had never made that much sense to me before. It was as if everything that was not of God left my body that instant and I felt lighter inside out. I couldn’t explain it, it was like a miracle. I had not even spoken to him about my problems yet but it was as if all my worries and doubts were eased that instant. 

“About those scriptures, I want you to meditate on Philippians 4:6,8. Also, Romans 12:1-2, and 2 Corinthians 10:5. will most definitely help you to reconfigure your mind and subject it to the will of God. If you are not in too much of a hurry, would you mind me saying a short prayer for you?”

“Hmmm, I feel so much calmer now. Maybe I should just talk with him about the issue. I feel very comfortable with this priest for some strange reason, and I don’t know if I will meet him next time. This might be my once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.”

“On the contrary father, I think I’ll open up now. The stew can wait.”

“The stew?… Oh, you are referring to the market. No problem, dear child. I’m all ears.”

I shifted on my seat a little and looked at the ceiling as though checking for a sign to go ahead with my counseling. Since I got none, I decided for myself to go ahead. 

“Thank you for listening again, Fr. Paul…”

***

After over thirty minutes of uninterrupted opening up, I successfully managed to let out everything that had been bugging me for months; from my relationship with my mom, to work, friends and even my supposed fiance. I confessed about how distraught I felt about being in an abusive relationship. I told him about how damaged my mind had become, no thanks to my said “fiance” who had raped me countless times, simply because I wasn’t in the “mood” and he was. 

I went as far as telling him how I had had to hit the bottle of poison off my hand various times while I was cooking for him. How I had decided to sleep in the visitor’s room because I had woken up and felt the strong urge to suffocate him to death with my pillow. 

“I am living with the devil sir.” I had said.

I watched him from the corner of my eyes as I spoke. He remained calm throughout my rant. He never once interrupted me and his brows remained furrowed together in rapt attention as though I was explaining the cure to AIDS. It was a larger-than-life experience for me. It had been forever since anyone paid me that much attention and I could feel a familiar wetness in between my thighs but I brushed it off. 

I couldn’t stop my body from reacting how it wanted, but I could stop my mind from ruminating on lustful thoughts. I strongly felt like I was about to get a breakthrough to all my problems and I wasn’t going to let anything come in between it. I clenched my fist, eagerly waiting for him to respond to my latest slander. He took a deep breath, then he began to speak.

****

Eight Months Later

I sat in front of my dresser, reluctant to remove my wedding ring. It had only been a few weeks since I had them on to begin with. I was already in my army green lingerie. His favourite colour. I blushed shamelessly remembering our first encounter together. There had been many after that. It was not easy getting our relationship to work. Many fights here and there.

There were nights I cried myself to sleep, and days that I went on without eating. All in all, he comforted me with his words and his love. He promised me that as long as it was God’s will, we would work out. Now there he was, lying ever so attractively on the bed.

“Our bed…”

I reluctantly peeled off my wedding ring and made my way towards my hazel-eyed husband. He was watching the news and beckoning me to join him. It was these types of little things that made me fall head over heels in love with him. 

He wanted to involve me in everything.

He would always wait for my opinion before making any important decision, and he wanted me involved in all his activities, even if he was doing something as casual as washing his car. 

His resigning from the Church as a Catholic priest had created a ton of buzz and many people opposed us, calling me names like the Devil, or Jezebel. Some even went as far as calling me the Antichrist. It was not an easy season for me, but looking into his eyes right then, I knew it was all worth it and I was glad I endured. 

“Still trending on various social media platforms, former Catholic priest Fr. Paul Augustus resigns from the priesthood after falling in love with one Virginia Adams. The wedding, which occurred three weeks ago on…”

“Hey, I’m tired of this news. Why don’t we do something fun, my love?”

His voice always made my heart skip no matter how many times I heard it. 

“F-Fun? Something fun like what, Daddy?” I had started calling him daddy since our wedding night. It had been an interesting transition from calling him “father” to calling him “daddy”.

“Yeah… you remember those thoughts you had that first time we met? Those very interesting ones? Come on, don’t look so surprised. It was quite obvious what you were thinking from your face. It’s cute how you wear your heart on your sleeves. It shows how honest you are. So… what do you say, honey? Ready for round one?”

I bit back a quiet moan. The man smiling deliciously in front of me belonged to me.

“Yes, Daddy!”

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