On Ending The Culture Of Bride Price List In Nigeria
Overview
In 19 Mary Slessor helped abolish the killing of twins in Nigeria. This is 2020 and we no longer need Mary Slessor to identify wrongs for us. Let us consider this matter of Bride price list, is its practice right for us post-enlightenment? How much does this practice affect those who want to get married and how can they be stopped?
The payment of bride price and the purchase of the items in the list negates the fact that marriage is a partnership and one person cannot do it all. You might say that bride price is not the reflection of the value of a woman then why do we pay it? People who support the payment of bride price claim that it is our custom and tradition. It is important to know that not every tradition is good(the killing of twins is a valid example).
Our forefathers made the customs and we will continue to uphold those that are good and edifying. Bride price list is exploitative and unfair. The exorbitant prices grooms are made to pay fuels the “get rich quick” culture and leads to a dishonest and decadent youth population.
For those reading who are not Nigerian/African and do not know what “bride price list” means. I will be splitting bride price and “list” and giving definitions for both terms.
What is Bride Price?
Another name for bride price is dowry. It is the amount of money paid to the bride’s family to seal the union between a man and a woman. Traditionally, the bride price is seen as evidence of the young man’s interest, his resolve, and his willingness to take care of the woman he is about to marry. Although it is usually a small amount of money, It also reflects his capabilities in cases where there is little or no hassle involved in the process of deciding how much it would be.
The men of the home traditionally gather and make these decisions. The back and forth that happens during the process of deciding is mainly for recreational purposes and helps to lend an air of importance to the activity.
Image Source: giphy.com
What is “The List”?
This is where things begin to get real. In Nigeria, the bride’s family prepares a long list of things the groom is required to purchase. This list is usually versatile containing a range of things from toothbrushes to a bag of money. In most cases, these lists are usually excessive and when all expenses are calculated could rip up to #500 thousand Naira from the purse of the groom. Many brides have taken to joining forces with their grooms and jointly footing the bill.
Now that we all know what these terms mean, I would like to show you what the average bride price list looks like in some Nigerian cultures.
Igbo Bride Price List
An average Igbo bride price list would contain.
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- Wrappers
- Scarfs
- Shoes and bags
- Toiletries
- Drinks
- Kola nuts
- Cigarettes
- Goat
- Palm wine
- Bride price
- Tubers of yam
- Kerosene
- Palm and groundnut oil
- Stockfish
- Tins of milk
- Tins of tomatoes
- Basins
- Powder
- A large suitcase
- Lump-sum cash gift
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Yoruba Bride Price List
An average Yoruba bride price list will contain.
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- Head ties
- Wristwatch
- Tubers of yam
- Kola Nuts
- Dry fish
- Alligator pepper
- Bitter kola
- Bag of salt
- Packs of beverages
- Fruits
- A lump sum of cash
- Dowry
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Edo Bride Price List
The average Edo bride price list will contain the following.
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- The holy bible
- Umbrellas
- Wrappers
- Dowry
- Tubers of yam
- Cartons or beer
- Soft drinks
- Palm oil
- Palm wine
- Kolanut
- Wine
- Alcohol(Schnapps)
- A sum of money.
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Image Source: giphy.com
The Disadvantages of Bride Price List
It Is Exploitative
When two people fall in love and discover that they are so right for each other they get married. That is how it happens in fantasy land. In Nigeria, when you want to get married there are a lot of things to consider. Love and compatibility are just by the wayside. For a guy, you have to consider the ethnic group your wife-to-be belongs to. Her economic status and her family’s economic status.
Ladies have to consider the purse of their husband to be. How much does he earn? Is his family rich? Will his money be enough to make a good impression on my extended family (and sometimes immediate family). How much is he willing to spend on a wedding?
Many good and loving relationships have ended on the premise that the young man could not afford a wedding and lost his girlfriend to a more economically stable man who might turn out to be very wrong for her in the long run. Many young couples in the process of footing the bills heaped on them by their own family members incur large debts that take years to pay.
Why do we have to buy so many drinks for family members? Why the box of clothes my mother doesn’t need? After the wedding, who would take care of my husband and me? We are about to start a new family, who will help us with money to stay afloat? A few wrappers and kitchen utensils do not count as a parental contribution to a new marriage.
The increasing demand for large weddings and flashy things has created a large population of single youths. The same people telling you to marry “anyhow” will come to your wedding and complain when they can’t fill their bellies and still take a bag of food home. With the state of the economy and the steady rise in the prices of goods, how can a poor couple marry?
To rent a wedding gown and tiara set, you will spend nothing less than fifty to a hundred thousand Naira. Imagine! For a dress you only need for a day. Just for a gown. Bridal make-up and traditional bridal outfits are so expensive. To rent a hall for your wedding, you also have to spend a huge amount of money. We haven’t talked about the fee for decorating the hall and paying wedding planners. Money to rent a disc jockey or band. Money for Asoebi!
You also have to buy drinks and pay caterers to cook for the crowd. If you have dignified guests at your wedding then you are lucky. They will definitely bring envelopes with them but guess what? That money will not be taken into your new life because – debt.
If a young couple will be saddled with all these external expenses why then do they also have to pay bride price and buy all the items on the list? Shouldn’t the family support them in some way? Let us stop seeing marrying out our daughters as poverty alleviation schemes. No one deserves to start a family on a foundation of debt. Little wonder that it is easier to force a horse to drink water than to get a young man who is ready to marry these days.
It Can Be Used For Violent Means
Girls who are orphans or those who have lost their fathers know exactly what I mean. Traditionally, if you want to get married and your father is not alive to preside over your wedding you are required to ask your eldest uncle to be your father figure for the wedding. You will be so unfortunate if this man has a personal vendetta towards you or if he has no conscience because you will be at the mercy of his decisions.
If he decides to include a house on the list then I am sorry. The only thing that would save you is lots of tears and groveling. Grooms have been known to storm out of such ceremonies fuming at the injustice. Brides have wept uncontrollably because these men would make you relive that crippling grief of losing your father again.
It Is Unfair To Men
The problem we have is that everyone just wants to “enjoy” the next person. The bride’s parents want to “enjoy” their son-in-law. They will tell you they have no need for a son-in-law who is not “up and doing”. Men are only respected when they have money to offer. In our society, a man who does not have money is less than a man and should not speak up at family gatherings. He should most certainly not marry a wife even if he wants to.
This situation has made men who are yet to reach a level of economic stability choose to stay single. It makes no sense for a struggling young man to spend over a million naira on a three-day wedding ceremony when he is yet to build a house and make other investments. Ladies, when you are crying to him every day, asking him to put a ring on your finger, remember that his Purses Life Matter. Men are human too. Leave him alone and go have a heart to heart chat with your parents.
Image Source: giphy.com
It Encourages Women Subjugation
The payment of Bride price and the imposition of large fees on men has resulted in a situation where people believe men marry women but women don’t marry men. You hear things like “if you don’t behave well no man will want to marry you”. In this case, marriage is seen as an investment and the woman as a commodity.
We need to take a stand against a tradition that covertly shows that a woman’s worth is determined by the bride price paid to get her hand in marriage. A woman is a person whose value is fixed and not some home appliance that is valued based on how much was spent when procuring it.
Men will continue to say “She is my wife. I paid for her” partly because they are not enlightened and partly because the bride price tradition has made them feel that way. What is feminism if it does not fight against cultures that dehumanize women? What is feminism if it does not fight for men who are saddled with heavy responsibilities just because of their gender? Feminism fights for equal opportunities and equity. Equity is impartiality and fairness.
While it is all fine and dandy to preserve our culture and traditions, we should recognize that real growth will never occur if things like this are not changed. As women are actively fighting to be recognized in society let us not forget about bride price and how it is an agent of female subjugation. Tradition is beautiful but a culture that does not in any way ameliorate us should be scrapped.
As women, the onus falls on us to make it happen. Let us stand up and demand that we will not be bought. We will not go into debt. Our husbands deserve more, our children deserve more, we deserve better. One day women in Nigeria will no longer be seen as commodities but as human beings. Young people would be able to marry who they love and whenever they want. Never forget that change begins with you and me, take a stand today.
Thank you for reading. Please like, share, and comment. If you have a different opinion on this subject, do share it with us. Have a nice day.
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