People Share Reasons Why Nigerian Women Stay In Abusive Relationships
When people hear how much abuse women face in relationships, the first question they ask is “why do these women stay?” In the face of abuse, torture, and possible death, why do they not leave?
In this article, we not only answer this question, we also share with you what other Nigerians (who have experienced or know someone who has experienced abuse) have to say about it.
Intimate partner violence is one of the most common forms of violence against women and includes physical, sexual, and -emotional abuse and controlling behaviors by an intimate partner.
Source: WHO
Why then do Nigerian women remain in these relationships? Here’s why:
“The “All Men Are The Same” Tag
“Even if you leave Peter to be with Paul, you will be making a mistake because there’s something good in Peter that Paul will definitely lack” dangerously silly statements like this are what some women gobble up like birth control pills.
This lie is propagated to keep women in abusive relationships, making them believe that there is no better man than their abuser out there. The feeling of helplessness and being trapped that conviction brings creates room for more abuse and the resulting acceptance of defeat.
Image Source: Unsplash.com
Love And “But he’ll Change“
As crazy as it is, love is a very powerful reason for victims to remain in abusive relationships. It is also a very valuable weapon in the hands of an abuser. Yes, it is possible for someone to still be in love with an abuser who gives her bruises instead of flowers. A woman can swallow a mouth full of blood in place of chocolate every day and still stay. That is how bad love can get.
Like Joanna Hunter said in her book But He’ll Change: “Giving up what you have is frightening. You love him. When you picture yourself without him, you see a horrifying scene. Think about the special toy or blanket you had as a child, the one you carried everywhere. Remember how you couldn’t sleep without it tucked under your arm?
When it was lost, you felt the whole world was crumbling around you. Remember how anxious or hysterical you were and that horrid pain in your stomach from fear that your precious toy was gone forever? You cried until it was found. Where is that toy today? Chances are, it was discarded years ago or tucked away in a keepsake box. You grew out of it. You no longer need it because you’ve matured beyond that stage of your life. The same thing will happen with this painful relationship. You’ll lay it aside and move on to a new and higher level of self-confidence.”
But he will change is another delusional belief most victims have. They use their abusers past good actions as a threshold for hoping towards a future that will never come. Maya Angelou said,
“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.”
Do not wait until it is too late before you realize that person is a monster. The first time he tells you things like “I will beat you up”, calls you ugly, or throws you out of the house/car is the best time to walk away.
The Desire For Protection
In our society, a man’s protection is sadly still necessary. It is dangerous for a widow to live alone without a man who she calls her partner because she might suffer sexual harassment from hoodlums. Women still get beaten or escape getting beaten by other men because they do or do not have a husband.
Some of these women would say that when they entered relationships with these men, they knew that abuse was inevitable because who dates a nicely muscled man that inspires fear in others and not expect beatings once in a while? It is common for people to see a woman dating/marrying a muscled man and say “this one go pound am like FuFu”.
Fear
Victims are sometimes threatened with more abuse and possible death if they try to leave their abusive partners. “I will find you and kill you” is sadly a valid enough threat to keep a woman in a loop. If Nigerian women can have provisions of shelters for abused women, where they can seek temporary asylum, have confidence in the restraining orders put on their abusive spouses, more women will bid their abusive relationships a hasty but solid goodbye.
Image Source: Unsplash.com
Societal Stigma and Gaslighting
A girl of marriageable age who is single or who ends an abusive relationship is a cause of worry to parents who begin to speak the “who will marry you now” mantra. Even in these progressive times, a single mother in Nigeria is seen as one who must have made a mistake somewhere and is not suffering the results of it by caring for a child alone. Being a divorcee means you could not keep your marriage or “stay under a man” and these women suffer the consequences in everyday life and the workspace.
A woman who decides not to remain married to an abuser is someone who cannot “submit” to “authority” and therefore irresponsible. This creates a situation where victims of abuse are reluctant to leave their abusive relationships because they know that the outside world is not kind to women going it alone.
Stockholm Syndrome
Stockholm syndrome is a psychological response. It occurs when hostages or abuse victims bond with their captors or abusers. This psychological connection develops over the days, weeks, months, or even years of captivity or abuse.
With this syndrome, hostages or abuse victims may come to sympathize with their captives. This is the opposite of the fear, terror, and disdain that might be expected from the victims in these situations.
With time, some victims do come to develop positive feelings toward their captors. They may even begin to feel as if they share common goals and causes. The victim may begin to develop negative feelings toward the police or authorities. They may resent anyone who may be trying to help them escape from the dangerous situation they’re in.
Source: Healthline
This is a very popular situation in Nigeria. Many well-meaning Nigerians have been beaten and harassed just because they were trying to stop abuse from happening or get an abused woman’s help. Many have chosen to look away to prevent further damages to their person. Here’s how to help someone with Stockholm Syndrome:
- Understand that this is a coping mechanism
- Offer them love and acceptance
- Be a non-judgmental listening ear
- Be patient
- Discover what makes them want to stay
- Help them seek professional help.
Parental Agitations
Your parents are supposed to want the best for you, right? Wrong. Sometimes, parents can be accomplices to abuse. Running to your parents as a Nigerian woman is more likely to get you lectured on submission in marriage than anything else. There are cases where the abused woman is called to kneel and beg her abusive husband during family meetings. Men are rarely ever not pardoned for emotional and verbal abuse. Physical abuse might cause an uproar but it is always short-lived because, behind the scenes, the woman is being advised to lower her eyes and squeeze herself until she becomes flat enough for her abuser to trample on her comfortably.
Nigerian mothers who have suffered abuse swear that there is no other way to life and no happiness in marriage. They are quick to tell you “that is how it is” “you are even lucky” “in my time”.
Most sad is the fact that very few abused women are allowed to seek asylum in their own parents’ house for more than a few weeks before they are thrown out and told to go back to their husbands because he has already paid the bride price to them or some other insane reason.
Image Source: Unsplash.com
Maternal Responsibility
This is one of the most common reasons why Nigerian women remain in abusive relationships. To many Nigerian women, children are both blessings and chains. For those who do not have the heart to abandon their children, those little angels are often used by the abuser as a leash to hold the woman in place.
“If you want to leave, go! Leave my children for me” an abuser once told his wife.
As expected, she decided to stay and bear the brunt of his hate and anger just to keep the children by her side.
Others stay because they believe the children need their father and that children from “broken homes” turn out badly. They do not understand that there is nothing more broken than a dysfunctional family where children have to watch domestic violence. It taints them in ways a separation can never conceive but this is not popular knowledge.
Nigerian women need to know that staying in an abusive relationship damages the children while living with a single parent does not. A family with a mother and three children living happily is stable and valid. In contrast, a family where the father uses his wife as a punching bag is dysfunctional and dangerous. It is important to know this.
Image Source: Unsplash.com
Opinions of Nigerians On Why Women Remain In Abusive Relationships
“Hmmm.. love covers a lot of sin. So some people love despite the abuse”
Blessing
“I think it’s due to the constant gaslighting. And if not that, then it probably has to do with their background. Like the way they were raised.”
David
“There are many things. Relationships are like investments. You put everything into it. Your money. Your time. Your emotions e.t.c and as much as most people want to claim undying love for each other, we all go into relationships expecting a return on our investment.
We know when to let go and when to leave. We know when we have overstayed our welcome, but we still stay, not because we are comfortable or that the circumstance is conducive but because we are too weighed down and confronted by the truth of what we have invested + the overwhelming possibility of a fresh start that it feels like too much of a sacrifice, too much of a loss to forsake everything and start fresh. Sometimes it’s easier to choose and make peace with the clarity of your pain than to pursue the uncertainty of purpose”
Roseline_mgbo on IG
“Because many of them don’t know their worth. While for the married ones with kids, they will tell you it is because they don’t want their kids to suffer. Forgetting that if they lose their lives in the process the kids will suffer more. Many women are enduring marriage today because they feel they can’t have a better one if they leave the abusive marriage, marriage is to be enjoyed, not endured.
As a woman before entering marriage,
- Have something doing.
- Don’t marry any man because of what he has.
- Let your worth be known and valued.
- Let your relationship be defined and rules set out straight.
Shade
“I didn’t understand it before till my cousin got into one. Leave him, leave him, she’d say he will change, she loves him. There was no level of begging I didn’t beg this girl. At first, I was like, this girl no get sense. Then later I was like, mhen some kind feelings ehn.
I’ve had that feeling before so I tried to understand her. She did leave him eventually but she was so broken. Like the asshole was the only one. The dude didn’t hit her, but the verbal abuse is as bad.
It vexed me but what could I do? I tell people these days, “until you learn that love isn’t about what you feel, you don’t know what it is.”
Tunde
*Some names were changed for anonymity.
References:
Joanna Hunter’s But he’ll Change
Healthline’s What is Stockholm Syndrome and Who Does it Affect?
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