Sunshine And Rainbows

23-03-2023

I want to see life through your eyes. Right now, the world looks dark and colourless; I feel like I’m staring into an abyss. 

But… somehow, you always manage to see colours in this dark void I call my life, and I want to see them too, the colours. 

Maybe, just maybe, I’ll stop trying to take my life…

************

A Year Ago

“Dapo! Dapo! Do not take another step, or I will kill you myself. You hear me?!”

“Oh, please! Not like you can kill a dead man twice.” Dapo grinned mischievously. 

He was still in a hospital gown after fracturing his left ankle while getting rescued from walking into moving traffic. 

Luckily, the passerby had noticed his intention quickly enough to react in time before Dapo would get hit by the incoming truck. The incident caused a stir, but Dapo didn’t care. 

One way or the other, he would have his way and finally find a way to end his life. He promised himself inwardly again.

“Alright. You win. But just come down first, and let’s talk it out. There has to be a way that we can beat this. Okay?” Bamidele, his elder sister, pleaded.

“Bams, give me three good reasons why I should want to continue living. If you can convince me, then I’ll stop.”

“Well, for starters, Mom and Dad wouldn’t want this.”

“Oh, please! Spare your breath. If they really cared about me, they wouldn’t have gone on that trip when weather reports forecasted a thunderstorm.”

“But it was still sunny when they took off!”

“I. Don’t. Care!”

Both siblings stared at each other intently as all the unspoken words that clung heavily in their throats dissipated slowly with each huff and puff. 

“I know you’re hurt, but even then, your life is very valuable. Don’t you see that?”

“Meh… too cliché. Try harder.”

“Alright, how about staying alive for me?”

Silence.

Bamidele watched as a soft wind lifted her brother’s hospital garb to reveal blade marks from self-harm when he first started feeling depressed. He had mutilated his legs so much that he had to stop wearing shorts. 

Even in the middle of summer, she ensured that he wore trousers whenever they were heading out to prevent onlookers from drawing unnecessary theories and conclusions. 

“Alright. You got one. Get me two more reasons before sundown, and I won’t try to end my life again tonight. Love youu.”

And with that, he jumped off the ledge of the building, whistling away like he hadn’t just tried to jump off a four-storey building.

Bamidele shook her head and looked up as though she were expecting the clouds above her to tell her what to do with Dapo.

I guess I’ll just keep trying. It’s all I can do either way. He refused to get treatment, and I can’t force him to since he’s now an adult.

She watched his defiant back slowly cower under the weight of his depression and confirmed her worries.

He still misses them.

********

As Dapo walked down the stairs from the rooftop, he bumped into something warm but slimy. 

“Is that what I think it is?!”

“Omg, I’m so sorry. I-“

“Did you just vomit on me?!”

“What?! No! No, let me explain.”

Before she could salvage the situation, Dapo blitzed past her and out the door.

“I spilt my oats,” Benita called out after him, but he was too far gone to hear.

I’m sorry.

*********

Dapo remained in his room for the rest of the day. He had walked into moving traffic, sliced himself with a blade countless times and tried to poison himself but nothing had frightened him the way his earlier encounter at the stairs had.

“What was even frightening about vomit, Dapo?! Why would you scream and run away like a little girl? Are you for real? What if your homies saw you doing that, God forbid?”

He continued sulking and bashing himself till his stomach rumbled. 

“I wonder what’s taking Bams so long. I want to kill myself, but hunger is definitely not one of the ways I want to go about that. Argghh… I’m starving.”

After waiting for an eternity, Dapo decided to venture into the wild to fend for himself.

As he stepped out the door of his room, he heard another crash before he found himself on the floor.

“What’s with today and these accidents? Or is the universe finally agreeing with me to take my life?” he said while rubbing his throbbing temple.

“Take your life?! Why would you want that?!”

Before him stood the most giant pair of eyes that he had ever known, they were golden brown and glistened like a sea of glass on a sunny day. 

Dapo’s brain registered a myriad of emotions within the few seconds that she crouched on top of him, and in a bid to rush back up to his feet, he gave her a headbutt square in her chin.

“Owww… that hurt!”

“Oh, shit. I’m so sorry about that. Why didn’t you pay attention while running… wait a minute. It’s you, isn’t it?!”

Confusion etched across Benita’s face as she tried to figure out where she had met the person pointing a finger at her menacingly. 

“Who do you think you are to point at m- oh! You’re that guy from this afternoon who was screaming like a little girl because I poured oats on him. I’ve been looking for you.”

“What do you mean oats?! That was vomit and what do you mean, little girl?”

Benita watched his slightly flushed face and giggled softly. After what seemed like an eternity of apologizing, Dapo finally accepted her apology and the both of them slowly became friends. 

When Bamidele returned later that evening, Dapo jumped on her and revealed the biggest smile she had seen on him since their parents’ death.

“Bams! I finally found my second and third reasons!”

“Oh, yeah? And what are they?”

Dapo looked over at a sleeping Benita and motioned at his sister to stay quiet. Walking up to her, he took his blanket from his bed and covered her with it. All Bamidele could do was shed quiet tears. 

Since her brother became depressed and suicidal, she had not seen him care for anything or anyone other than herself. He was starting to look human again, and it was all thanks to the stranger sleeping beside her brother’s bed.

*******

Two Years Later

“…Today’s weather forecast indicates heavy thunderstorms. You may want to stay indoors to keep yourself safe…”

Benita switched off the television as she straightened out her black dress. Even if there was going to be a hailstorm outside, she would have still left the house that day. It started to rain almost immediately, but she wasn’t bothered in the least bit.

Just as she was about to walk out her front door, she felt the sudden need to go back into the house. Without thinking, she climbed the stairs and walked into a room. The entire room was bare, save a lampstand with a pile of books and a piece of paper.

Drawing closer, she realized that she recognized the handwriting. The owner’s sister had come to remove everything in the room that had belonged to her brother, so she had not thought to walk into the room since he left her. 

In the book was a handwritten letter addressed to her. Benita covered her mouth and fell to the floor. 

With shaky hands, she opened the letter and read its content internally, afraid that even the walls around her would commune in the sacred rendition her now-dead lover had tried to surprise her with on the night of their anniversary.

If only I hadn’t been stupid.

“For years, I asked myself why I needed to stay alive. My parents died and left me when I was just 14. I hated them. For so many years, I continued to blame them for their deaths. Crazy, right?

Right after my parents’ deaths, my best friend died. Then my dog, then my favourite teacher. Lol, it was like everyone I knew and loved didn’t want to be with me anymore. 

I felt cursed.

Months passed, and I started thinking about how it would feel like to cut myself. My sister was never around because she had to fend for us. I understood her, but I couldn’t help feeling abandoned. I was just a young and foolish boy.

Then, one day, I cut myself. The sight of red seemed so brilliantly wonderful that I wanted to see more. I knew my sister would stop me if I cut myself in an obvious location like my hand, so I decided to start with my legs. 

Every week, I’d cut myself in five places, each cut symbolizing the people I loved. For me, it felt like communion because every time I did it, I did it in remembrance of them. 

However, one day, everything changed. The red of my blood became dull, and the pain felt empty. I couldn’t remember why I was cutting myself, and something in me wanted more. I reached out to the bottle of painkillers in the kitchen cabinet, where my elder sister always kept it for my safety because she knew how much I hated to cook.

After staring at the bottle for a while, I decided to overdose on it. This was the first time I tried to kill myself. 

Luckily for me, my sister rushed home to pick something up and found me lying on the ground unconscious. It was then that she saw all the blade marks on my legs.

Disappointed in herself for not being available enough for me, Bams decided to quit her job and found a remote job instead. It didn’t pay as much, but at the very least, she could watch me and take care of me.

After my first OD episode, I came back with a sudden obsession to kill myself, and each failed attempt led me to the day when we bumped into each other at the hospital’s stairwell two years ago. 

Since then, you have literally been my sunshine and rainbow. Ever since my parents’ death, my world has lost meaning. Everything turned black and white; it was as if something drained out all the colours from my eyes.

But you crashed into my life (quite literally, too ^ ^) and brought light in with you. I started to hallucinate glimpses of colour from time to time – every time you smiled, laughed, cried, and even farted. Would you believe that? Everything seemed so blindingly beautiful and I started to want to live again.

I want to live again, Beni. And it’s all thanks to you. Thank you for coming into my life with sunshine and rainbows. Thank you for coming into my life with light and hope. 

I love you. In this life and the one after.”

By the time she was done reading, Benita was bawling so hard that her tears and snort almost ripped the paper up. She held onto it as though his words would mix with her tears to cast a spell that would bring him back to life. 

If only…

As she wiped her tears and tried to stand up so she could meet up at her fiance’s funeral ceremony, a book fell to the ground. She picked it up and immediately realised that it was his diary.

23-03-2023

We’re out here on a picnic date but even with all the colours in the world, I can’t seem to see a thing – the birds, the dogs barking, the children laughing – nothing except you. You’re the only one standing out in colour from everything. 

Right now, you’re smiling, and you’re shining brighter than the sun. You just turned to smile and wave at me, and for some reason, my chest feels warm inside – a brief respite from the never-ending winter blazing inside me.

I want to see life through your eyes. The world looks dark and colourless; I feel like I’m staring into an abyss. 

But… somehow, you always manage to see colours in this dark void I call my life, and I want to see them too: the colours. 

Maybe… just maybe… I’ll stop trying to take my life…

Holding her chest, Benita started bawling all over again. 

“If only I hadn’t started that stupid fight. If only I hadn’t slammed that door in your face. If only I hadn’t lied that I was tired of loving you. If only… If only I could tell you how sorry I am right now…”

Maybe you’d still be here with us.

Benita walked out of the house with shaky legs to meet the biggest rainbow she had ever seen. It had finally stopped raining, and the sun played a friendly game of peekaboo with the clouds. 

Watching the rainbow appear and then disappear felt like Dapo had come to pay one last visit before finally leaving. Still staring at the sky, she felt a tear drop snake down the contour of her face.