Forgiveness and It’s Relevance
The world is a place where it seems like many people are either out there to hurt us or don’t care if they hurt us, whether intentionally or accidentally.
The feeling of being wronged and cheated is one many of us have felt one time or the other. What about real life situations of failure and abuse? Forgiveness is a difficult choice to make in cases like this. A person asks his/herself questions like “why should I forgive?” “Does he/she deserve my forgiveness?
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We all know letting a grudge go is a painful and taxing process, but what if the other option is to live a life filled with anger and pain? A life of always looking at the person with hatred and thinking hate-filled thoughts?
I always say this: no one should be able to take away your peace of mind and happiness. If peradventure they have already done that as a result of their actions towards you, then it is your duty to reclaim your properties and move on.
I’ll be telling you how you can make forgiveness easier and find peace within yourself despite the circumstances surrounding your life. Here are a few steps to forgiveness.
HOW TO FORGIVE YOURSELF
Surprising as it is, most people who carry deep grudges actually carry it because they cannot forgive themselves. A daily dose of ” why did it happen to me?” “I should have been able to stop it,” creates the most bitter combination of pills to swallow.
I once knew a girl who was abused by her secondary school teacher for years. He would bully her into coming to his house on the pretext that she was in possession of one of his textbooks.
Many years later, she told me it was all her fault “I shouldn’t have gone to his house” she said, even though she knew that decision would have attracted severe punishment at that time.
“I should have told someone” she cried.
At the time of the incidents she was a quiet 15 years old who belonged to a very strict family. It is not odd to see that even she finds it difficult to accept the fact that she was ABUSED and that it wasn’t her fault.
I told her the first step to rehabilitation was to forgive herself and I will be outlining them here so we can all get on the road to totally forgiving ourselves.
1. Accept That It Happened
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After abuse and loss, some people unconsciously decide to live in denial. No, it didn’t happen. No, it couldn’t have happened; even with the evidence staring them in the face. Desire messes with your mind and stops you from moving on.
Acceptance of the situation is the first step to getting healed of your pain. What has happened has happened.
The next thing to do is to change the course of your life by leaving that bad place and moving forward.
You’re not allowed to curl up in your bed and wish for death. You’re not allowed to slouch. Yes, I know you deserve a break but don’t overdose on it. When you start walking, there’s always room for stopping at relaxation spots along the way.
2. Accept That You Did Not Deserve It
Accepting that you didn’t deserve what happened to you is always difficult because there is always this nagging voice in your head telling you “If only, If only”.
If only I hadn’t gone to the party with my friends that night, I wouldn’t have gotten raped.
If only I had left the house, the gas wouldn’t have exploded with me in it.
If only I had told her not to leave, that car accident wouldn’t have happened.
Well news flash! “If onlys” are stupid and will not help you in any way. It wasn’t your fault that it happened. It won’t be your fault if it happens again.
3. It Is OK To Cry
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After a short bout of tears, does it not feel like some of the weight has been lifted off your shoulders? Crying is a very natural way of letting go. When you feel down in the dust it is okay to get some tissue and have a breakdown but just be careful not to resort to harmful means of coping like alcohol and drugs.
They might deceive you for a while that everything is rosy but trust me. The high won’t last long, and when you get out of it you will be worse than you were before. So cry, cry and blow your nose really loud. When you’re done crying take some painkillers for the headache. Eat a nice meal and get some sleep.
4. Talk To Someone
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Telling someone who has gone through the same things as you or someone who is a counsellor about your situation is very helpful when you want to heal. This trusted person would give you great advice on the next step to follow.
The simple act of talking about it is also therapeutic as is expressed in this old saying, a problem shared is a problem solved.
In this digital age, counselling has gotten even better. There are nonprofit organizations who have counsellors in place to cater for the needs of the abused or other people going through a bad situation.
The perks of this are its ease and its anonymity. You can talk to a very supportive stranger from the safety of your home and get good advice while knowing that your “secret” is safe.
5. Help Someone Who Is In The Situation You Were In
Among all the steps to self forgiveness, this is one of the most important and most profitable steps.
Helping someone who is in need of help goes a long way in helping you overcome the guilt burning within your belly.
It will help you come to terms with the fact that it wasn’t your fault faster than you already would have. If you were sexually abused and now have the opportunity to help someone who is being abused, grab it! Your heart will be better for it.
You could organize a sensitization program where people are taught about abuse and how to limit or eradicate it. Trust me, programs like this are never too much. You could also create a nonprofit organization concerned with protecting and fighting for abused people.
You could simply just give emotional help to someone suffering very close to you. Could just be a hug, a nice word or a little of your time.
HOW TO FORGIVE SOMEONE WHO HURT YOU
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It’s way easier to remain unforgiving than it is to forgive. It is hard to come to terms with the fact that by forgiving, you are setting your abuser free. Your abuser is a person you want to suffer and pay for his/her crimes towards you. Yet, you are asked to forgive. Bullshit!!
Why forgive someone who isn’t remorseful anyway? Why forgive such a despicable person?
For yourself!
That’s the answer to those questions.
Forgiveness is like the action of pointing a finger of someone and having four pointing back at you. Forgiveness helps your heart heal from the constant pain.
It is an act of letting go of all the bad memories despite the circumstances which say otherwise.
A lot of people had abusers who are currently abusing others, and this makes it harder for them to forgive. When you feel like you are not ready to let go, remember that you’re doing this for yourself and it is okay to be selfish.
1. Get Closure
Closure can range from making sure your abuser pays for his/her crimes to having a conversation about the experience with your abuser and getting that apology you never knew you needed.
Some people just want to ask their abusers “why?” Yes, there is no good and sane reason for abusing someone but an “I am so sorry” might go a long way in helping the abused person feel better.
Other people want to make sure their abuser is thrown in jail and made to serve the required term. Only then do they forgive. Both methods and other methods not mentioned here work, so just do whatever floats your boat.
2. Try To Be Emphatic
Saying that your abuser might have been in a bad place too and this might have contributed to their decision to abuse you might make you very angry but it is true.
A friend of mine had a mother who was addicted to Indian hemp. She would find creative ways to take the stuff. Sometimes, she even cooked large concentrations of it in their food.
When he grew up, he discovered that he too had become addicted to it and could not do without either smoking it or cooking with it. His addiction to the drug landed him in jail a couple of times before he realized he had to change.
First thing he did was cut off all communications with his mother who he blamed for the bad situations in his life. When he told me about it many years later I was indeed sorry for him and I advised him to visit his mother and talk to her about it.
He came back from him trip a better man. He told me that his mother had also being a victim of abuse (her own father had encouraged her and all her siblings to take small puffs of Indian hemp with him) and she had struggled to defeat the addiction countless times and failed.
3. Talk to a Therapist or Join a Support Group
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A therapist is the best person to direct you towards healing by forgiving those who hurt you. A support group of people who have been similarly abused would help you feel like you are not alone and can in fact handle your pain and overcome it.
4. Move On
Dwelling on past sufferings bring nothing but grief to the sufferer. You should make a conscious effort to move on with your life.
Moving on with your life helps you forget your past and gives you clearer and exciting things to think about and look forward to.
One great catalyst for healing is HOPE. Moving on gives you hope that tomorrow will be better. If you find yourself wallowing in self pity and depression, take an online course, go partying with friends, get a new boyfriend. Just live your life and gradually, you will heal.
One day you will look back on your abusive days and smile wryly, because you indeed overcame. Because forgiveness has freed you from the shackles of abuse and made you a better person. Take that giant step into moving on today and see the result in a few years.
In conclusion, thousands of people are abused daily. Abuse causes terrible heartbreaks that are often very hard to fix. It kills people’s self esteem, making them feel less about themselves.
Some people have been in bad situations where they have had to make choices that weren’t even choices at all. This also causes heartbreaks and makes forgiveness a herculean task.
Although drugs and therapy can help a person feel better after abuse, forgiveness is the better option because it offers total freedom and a chance to change from being an abused person to an individual of immense strength.
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