Love or Lust? 10 Points to Convince You
The intricacies of emotions have been a cause of concern from time immemorial. It is more worrisome being that humans are incapable of reading the innermost thoughts of another, at least not yet.
This is the basic contributing factor to the perpetuity of all shades of deception amongst us. We say one thing but mean the direct opposite or divulge only some aspects of the truth and try to hide the rest to achieve some selfish gain.
It is no gainsaying to assert, therefore, that this is exactly what plays out when it comes to affectionate attractions among humans.
Many a time, people who are attracted to another as well as those who are the object of attraction normally get perplexed as to the sincerity of attraction. Even married couples still face this hurdle. They would customarily ask questions such as:
~ Does this person truly love me or are they only after what they can get from me?
~ Am I really in love with this person or am I just attracted to an “idea” of them?
These and many more similar thoughts are what goes through the minds of persons caught in the love (or is it lust?) web.
At this juncture, it should be stated that lustful feelings are not bad in themselves. It is wrong, however, to harbour such feelings in the pretext of love. The difference should be known. What most persons in successful relationships experienced the first time they met their partner is actually lust.
However, in the course of time, they were able to convert that lustful feeling to unadulterated love. In this article, we shall be looking first at ways to recognize genuine love, then ways to recognize lustful feelings and lastly, possible techniques to convert the feeling of lust to pure undiluted love.
10 Ways To Recognize Genuine Love
In all these, the question still echoes: how does one recognize true feelings, whether being expressed by others or being nurtured oneself? How does one differentiate genuine feelings from mere lust? Most often than not, it appears a hard nut to crack but it is quite possible. Below are some essential pointers to recognizing genuine feelings:
1. You Accept the Other for Who They are
First of all, you need to understand that nobody is perfect and that we all have our negative sides. So, to really discern the veracity of your love for your partner, you need to know whether or not you love the person despite their flaws and inadequacies. And in fact, it is important that you understand these flaws in your partner and try to help conquer them, if possible. True love does not require any qualification from the other party.
2. You’re Friends With Them
Love is not all about the palpitations of the heart, having sleepless nights and butterflies in the stomach. It is way beyond these. All the aforementioned might as well be signs of lustful feelings. If you’re really in love with someone, you must have known a number of things about them and strive to get to know the person better.
This means spending quality time with them, having meaningful conversations, calling them up often. The list is endless. This is one reason why I do not accept the love at first sight thingy.
3. The Feeling is Uncontrollable and Inexplicable
True love cannot be maneuvered neither can it be explained with the right words. It is what makes you smile in the middle of a terrible day, at the thought of your lover. It is what makes you stare at beautiful things for long and smile sheepishly.
4. Your Attraction to Them Goes Beyond the Physical
If all you that comes to mind when you see them or think about them is how beautiful their hair is or how good it felt the last time you made out, chances are that all you feel for them is lust. Genuine love should go beyond the surface level. You should be attracted to stuff like a particular trait of theirs.
5. Distance is not a Barrier
It is true that distant relationships are not all that great. However, it remains one veritable test of true love in a relationship. Genuine love endures even in distance because the attraction, in the first place, is one that goes beyond the physical appearance of the other party. Also, relationships that stand the test of distance are those built on mutual trust and understanding. And what better foundation can a relationship have other than these? So if you think you wouldn’t be able to cope if your partner were far away, there’s a probability that what you feel for them is simply lust.
6. Making Sacrifices Seems Normal
Persons in love always make sacrifices for the other and it always seems like the normal thing to do. Since they want the best for each other, they count it all joy when they need to rationally give up one thing or another for the betterment of their partner. They do not hesitate or give it a second thought. They do so in all naturalness and cheerfulness.
7. Forgiveness is always an Option
Relationships are not devoid of quarrels and all manner of misunderstandings. What however distinguishes true love from mere lust is the readiness to forgive and let go whenever conflicts arise. This is one contributory factor to the success of relationships.
8. Being Patient With the Other Party
Since one has decided to love another despite their weaknesses and negatives, it therefore behooves on them to learn to be patient with that person who they have made up their mind to cherish unconditionally. It is not rocket science but it sure requires a lot of self control to achieve. Take for example a beautiful flower which you love so much.
Won’t you be patient enough to nurture it so well and for as long as it will take to become even more beautiful?
9. Are you Rational about Your Commitment to Them?
Now, it is pretty much easier to lust after someone for a while and then lose interest in them after a while than to love someone for the rest of your life. This is why one needs to put feelings aside and put on the cloak of rationalism when making this sort of decision as it concerns committing oneself to a serious relationship for the rest of one’s life.
One needs to ask oneself salient questions like Do I see a future with them? Are they someone I can spend the rest of my life living with?
10. Dopamine and Serotonin Levels are always on the High
One interesting thing about being in love is the tremendous effect it has on your mental health. The brain of one who is in love is highly active. They usually experience high levels of dopamine and serotonin and this leads to the activation of their focus, energy, craving and motivation. If you experience all these while with someone, chances are that you are indeed in love with them.
8 Ways To Recognize The Feeling of Lust
Now, we move on to the various ways of discovering that what you have for that person might actually be lustful feelings. Majority of people in a romantic relationship claim to be in love, whereas what keeps them together is lust because if you lust after someone, chances are that the feeling is mutual. Below, therefore are some tips to identifying lust when you experience it:
1. Your Sexual Hormones are Always Activated on Seeing Them
This is the most obvious pointer to lust. If you are sexually aroused all the time when you see them, you need to soothsayer to inform you that you only lust after them and don’t necessarily have genuine affection for them. It is good to be sexually attracted to your partner but when it becomes habitual, you might just have to rethink your earlier profession of love to them. As stated earlier, attraction goes beyond the physical.
2. What are Your Favourite Memories of Them?
This is one question that needs to be asked to ascertain the sort of feeling you have for your partner. If your favourite memories of them are more of the times when you both made out or the couple of times you enjoyed getting under the sheets with them, you are obviously in lust with them.
On the other hand, if your best memories of them include those times when you had a very personal conversation with them or your trips to places of mutual interest, it’s okay to say you’re in love.
3. What do You Both Do Often When Together?
How you spend time with your partner says a lot about what you feel for them or vice versa. Activities like having pretty interesting conversations, playing games and watching movies portend sincere attraction. However, if it’s always about getting into the sheets, chances are that you only lust after them.
4. What Runs Through Your Mind When You Think About Them?
This is another pertinent question that needs to be asked. If stuff you think about are his perfect six-pack or her perfect curves, then you are not ready to be in love. It is these sort of things (their physical feature) and more that are obviously keeping you with that person.
5. You Don’t Check Up On Them Often
You would not afford not to check up on the one you love as often as possible. On the other hand, persons who you only derive physical pleasure from would only be worth your time and attention when you need to quench your desires.
6. You’re Indifferent about Showing Them To Close Friends and Family
Persons who are truly in love waste no time to tell their inner circle of friends and relations about their new found heartthrob while those who only lust after their partner are more hesitant to do so.
7. You Rarely Talk About Personal Matters
Lovebirds talk about everything and anything. If you are however shy or feel awkward when alone with your partner or you often lose track of what to talk about with them, your relationship is most likely built on lust and will probably not last long.
8. You Condone a Lot of Their Excesses
Yes, it is fine to accept your partner the way they are and all. But there are some traits that are just unforgivable and should not be excused, except you want to help the person correct it. For example, being hateful or having a penchant for insults at the slightest provocation. Persisting in a relationship with such a person without these things bothering you clearly shows that you don’t love them and are in it just for what you stand to gain.
6 Tips on How to Convert Lust to Love
Now that we have established the various ways by which one can discover where one falls in the love-lust divide, it is pertinent that we examine the ways by which one can turn one’s feeling of lust to love. Even though it could prove to be a Herculean task, it is achievable.
1. Don’t Be in a Rush
This endeavour is one that requires a lot of patience to achieve success in it. The feeling of lust is one that is difficult to control and even more onerous to abate. So caution to be taken and one should not expect to see speedy changes over a short period of time. It takes time and this therefore requires some level of patience on the part of the one who desires to be free from the shackles of unlimited lust.
2. Get to Know Them
Since this process is one which basically involves one trying to move from being attracted on the surface level to having a deeper sense of affection, one needs to find out real things about the partner so as to genuinely love them. One should strive to make friends with them, know their likes, dislikes, core values and even their bad sides. This would enable one to fall in love with them over time and accept them for who they truly are and not just for selfish benefits.
3. Do Stuff Together With Them
This is another sure way to turn your feelings of lust to true love. When you make a conscious effort to spend time with someone, engaging in activities together, you get to discover a lot of previously hidden things about them. Also, you would easily find out things they are really interested in and not just what you impose on them. Gradually, that feeling of love that had been previously beclouded by lust would be ignited.
4. Initiate Meaningful Conversations
This is one sure way to fall in love with someone who was only an object of your libido satisfaction previously. Striking meaningful conversations after making out, for example, and not just going your separate ways immediately, would help immensely in getting to know them better and whether or not they indeed have true feelings for you.
From there, you would get enough data to help you love them as truly and as nobly as you would love to.
5. Identify Their Flaws
When you lust after someone, there is the possibility that you will only focus on their pleasant sides and close your eyes to their inadequacies. One step to getting to love someone is by realizing that they are not perfect, so you should not expect a hitch free relationship. Therefore, consciously observe your partner and try to know their flaws as it would help a lot in determining whether or not you can put up with them and then love them, regardless.
6. Be Rational about Your Commitment
If you really want to experience love firsthand in a relationship, do not base your commitment to your partner on your feelings alone. Feelings do not last. But when you critically think things through before accepting someone into your life, such relationships tend to stand the test of time.
Conclusively, it is important to note that everyone is capable of loving and being loved. Discard the myth about some persons being unlovely and unlovable. So far we are human beings with the ability to feel, to experience various emotions, we sure are created for love. However, our other instinct for pleasure and possession prevents us from realizing this sometimes.
At times, we might even end up disbelieving in love. If this is your case, I hope this article serves as a lamp to guide you out of the dark. You can also check out this article, what men want in a woman.
*All images are sponsored by pixabay, free for commercial use and no attribution required.
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