How My Perfect First Date Became My Worst Nightmare

“He…ll…o Stacy, are you still on the phone? Hello?!!” Bisi moved from one end of the room and hurried over to the other end.

“Oh God, Network is a bastard!” She hissed out loudly and angrily to herself, simultaneously moving her phone proactively from left to right in an exaggerated manner in search of a good network.

“Hello, Stacy. Can you hear me now….?” She asked again, moving frantically like a mouse trapped in the cat’s paw.

“Abi I go climb that tree?” Bisi mumbled again to herself, seriously eyeing the tree that stood sturdily outside the house.

“Hello, Bisi…” Stacy suddenly replied from the other static end. “Hello….. ” The network, causing more havoc than good in their effort to communicate.

“It’s certain, this network na bastard!” Bisi cursed again vehemently. “How come they’re still one of the major market movers and shakers in this impatient Nigerian market sef….e be like say their baba cut better soap for them...” Bisi hissed, fuming aloud as she opened the door and headed towards the tree that she had originally contemplated climbing.

“Stacy must hear this gist today, whether this archaic network likes it or not. This gist will not pass me by. Never! Even if the great apocalypse is about to happen. I must break this news to her myself or else, my name is not Bisi!”

She pronounced and stopped short as she reached the tree and stared in appraisal at the tall baobab. The baobab tree stood mighty and dominating in the desolate compound; The only thing that fondly reminded her of her childhood experiences.

Bisi threw herself up and caught a branch immediately afterward.

“Ha! I got it”

She quickly reached out and positioned herself on one of the strongest branches as the wind paved a beautiful flow in her hair.

“Hmm, this spot looks and feels good. Let me try again.”

She reached into her pocket, pulled out her phone, and dialed Stacy’s number again.

The line rang freely this time without hitches.

Beep…beep

As if set on a timer herself, Stacy picked up on the other end almost immediately.

“Hello?” Bisi breathed anxiously into the phone.

“Hello… Madam Bisi. Thank God, I can hear you now.” Stacy replied excitedly.

“Who are you calling madam?” Bisi replied cynically.

“Are you not a boss lady? Who do you intend to deceive? Yourself?”

“Is that the reason you think I called you this morning? Do you think I am in search of gratifying morning accolades?” Bisi replied almost immediately, interrupting Stacy. “Abeg…please…save the extra talk for another time. There is premium gist on ground, and I’ve called to give you beta update.” Bisi continued excitedly.

“Gist? Abeg fill me in, my dearest Bisi of the most geng!” Stacy replied enthusiastically.

“Abeg wetin sup?”

“Why else do you think I’ve been persistently trying to reach you for the past twenty minutes, that too from the top of the baobab tree in my house?”

“Wait, you climbed the baobab tree again? This girl!” Stacy chastised mildly.

“The network was too badly behaved to be of any aid to the important information that I wanted to pass across. I just had to nah.” Bisi replied, attempting to placate Stacy’s running nerves.

“I noticed too, but what is this information that is so important anyway? Talk fast, I’m beginning to lose my patience jare...” Stacy replied.

“Tracy is getting married on Friday!” Bisi said it like she just witnessed the apocalypse.

“What!” Stacy responded with equal perplexion, her face contorting in surprise. “What do you mean by ‘Tracy is getting married?’” Stacy continued, attempting to humor Bisi’s tone.

“Which Tracy? Our coursemate??”

“Yes! Yes! That one. That Tracy.” Bisi replied with equal enthusiasm.

“But isn’t she just 19?” Stacy countered like they were both in a law court.

“Yes…not just that. She’s very young, and to crown it all, her husband is the epitome of everything a woman would want in a complete man.”

“What do you mean? I’m sure it’s just branding, hyping, and packaging!” Stacy said like she was rendering a sermon. “There cannot be anything special about anyone who intends to marry a 19-year-old! Or hold on a minute. Do you copy the depths of my thoughts?? Is she….”

“Don’t say that ooo! Don’t say that at all!” Bisi warned firmly, shifting from one bottom to the other as the wind cascaded her body. “What do you mean by that? Wait, let me fill you in completely, she’s not in the family way, if that’s what you’re thinking. When I say he is the picture of the perfect man, you’d think I’m just hyping, but my source of information is completely legit, madam. “

“Hmmm…abeg fill me in ooo.” Stacy replied enthusiastically as the gist grew hot.

“Turns out that… ” Bisi continued, “Tracy is getting married to a rich man in Abuja who has an oil well and runs a company that has a net worth of 7 figures in dollars!”

“What? No be juju be that? That’s crazy!”

“Yes ooo! She’s made it big in this life.” Bisi responded simultaneously, as the two continued their uncouth gossip shamelessly.

“How did she meet him? Surely men like that don’t come around the university environment looking for 19-year-old ignorant girls to ‘wife’. How?” Stacy inquired, stupefied.

“That’s not even the priority, Stacy. I hear that the wedding is going to be held at Eko Hotels, Lagos.”

“Eko hotel…what!!!”

“Yes ooo. You heard me right. That’s not even all, she’d be flying with her husband to the UK to complete her studies immediately after having the typical princess wedding of the year!”

“Oh, isn’t that a bit of exaggeration, Bisi?”

“Exaggeration? I’d call her to confirm if you want?”

“No..no… there’s no need for that. I believe you. After all, you’re the queen of hot information at the University of Benin. If you don’t know a piece of information, it means the information is not even worth knowing in the first place!” Stacy saluted in the appraisal of Bisi’s gossip skills.

“Abeg abeg… Enough of your snide sarcasm. That’s not my problem now. I’m 23, actively searching, and still yet to find my Prince Charming. What on earth is the matter nah?” Bisi asked bitterly.

“Prince Charming?” Stacy chuckled scornfully. “What Prince Charming? Aren’t you the cause of your many problems? Aren’t you the one who has single-handedly sent the better half of your serious prospects running away from you, because of your uncouth expectations? How about Joshua. Isn’t that young man good enough? He’s respectable, honest, hardworking, plus he’s the type of guy who’s got lots of prospects in the foreseeable future. He’d probably love and respect you for the rest of your days together…”

“Hey! Hey! Stop it, jare. What do you mean abeg?” Bisi responded angrily. “Stacy, I’ve told you countless times that I would never lower my standards, even if Jesus Christ, my savior, comes down to ask me to, I won’t budge. After all, don’t they say that you create your reality by yourself? You know that Joshua is far beneath me. I can’t abeg. Plus his teeth…his teeth… Jesus. They are looking like a trailer tire ran over them. Imagine such a person as your husband on your wedding day. He cannot even force a smile, without causing a disaster. Abeg I can’t ooo.” Bisi said finally.

“But… he’s kind and husbandly…” Stacy chipped in quietly.

“And also very ugly to be my husband!” Bisi responded loudly, interrupting Stacy’s ‘campaign speech’. “I always tell you that the perfect man for me must be…”

“Tall, dark, God-fearing, sexy, early 30 something, with a loud net worth of minimum seven(7) figures ranking in Dollars. Add funny and romantic too.” Stacy replied, interrupting her in a bored tone as she listed out Bisi’s numerous reiterated fantasies.

“Exactly! Now, I see why you’re my best friend! You have a knack for remembering my preferences effortlessly.” Bisi replied, smiling from ear to ear. “His skin must be so rich and full of melanin that even the angels would perspire and whisper in wonder to themselves, ‘what beauty is this?'”

“Oh, I’ve heard that before.” Stacy muttered, grudgingly interrupting her with a sinister tone.

“No, you have not heard enough, that’s why you’re still recommending me to Joshua. Let me fill you in properly.”

The wind blew a gust and made the tree jiggle a little from the left to the right, startling Bisi.

“Phew!” Bisi sighed in relief. “That was a close one.”

“What happened?” Stacy inquired immediately.

“Oh! the things we do for a good gist. This tree wants to shame me, but my ancestors would not let it.”

“Well,” Stacy replied in a bored tone. “You mean, the things YOU do for a good gist.

I roll my eyes in shame for you”, Stacy responded in sarcasm.

“Suit yourself. As if you don’t thirst after my gists as babies thirst for milk. Abeg, let me finish what I was saying. Even you, as well as this godforsaken tree, shall not get the better of me.”

“As I was saying earlier,” Bisi gestured wildly like her audience was right before her, “when you hear me talk about the skin, if you’re not wise, you’d think that’s all he’d have to offer. Well, you’d be mistaken to think I, Bisi, of the most geng would settle for less.”

“Bisi’Lomo!!!” Stacy chorused in appraisal.

“Yes ooo! It is I. His height? My ideal man must be 5 inches taller than me. I don’t want short devils around me. Short guys have a knack for promiscuity because they receive quick advice from the devil himself, especially as they have next-door proximity to the ground. Hence, an easier pathway to commune with the people of the underworld.”

“Hahaha…Bisi, you’ll not kill me.” Stacy interrupted, laughing loudly from the other end.

“Wait, I’m not done. You see those tall guys, those who have been blessed with the privilege of height, they’re always better behaved than their short counterparts because they are closer to our Father in heaven. When they pray, it ascends quickly. They don’t need ladders to talk to God, like short people.” Bisi pronounced soundly again like one who has found a new gospel.

“Hmmm… isn’t this body-shaming, Bisi?” Stacy asked, trying to be logical.

“Abeg oo..call it whatever you want but I know that the one I would finally say ‘yes’ to, must have his consistent 7-figure dollar income ready. So that when I yell ‘Mauritius’ today, he’d respond ‘yes, baby’. When I say ‘Canada’ tomorrow, he’d say ‘Just go and enjoy yourself’. When I say ‘I need to do a tour in one Asian country like Hong-Kong’, he’d say, ‘just take what you want dear.’” Bisi said as she continued to paint pictures from Lala land.

“You make him sound like he’d not have time for you. Aren’t you both supposed to travel together? What if he’s too busy for you?”

“Yes, I’ve thought of it all. I’ve got it covered, dearest Stacy. That’s why he must be very God-fearing. After all, even the Bible affirms that ‘what gain is there to have the whole world and lose your soul?’ In the same way, I would say; what gain is there to have a man that has it all, but does not have the fear of God?”

“Hmmm…so what’s the plan? And how do you intend to find this Mr. Perfect? He sounds like the type of man you’d find only in a fictional novel.” Stacy countered, trying to provide logic.

“Fictional novel ke? They’re everywhere and they’re bound to find you if you’re looking for their type.”

“Bisil’lomo!!!!!” Stacy replied, chanting her praises.

“Yes, it is I. Say my name. He’d find me, I know he’s out there.”

“Well, let’s hope that your wishes will come true.”

“Well, they’ve already begun to come true. Guess what? I just met someone on the new dating app.”

“I don’t trust all these dating apps, Bisi. How are you certain that he is not a scam? Or one of those old men that pose as young and unmarried men online just in search of sexual favors?”

“No, I’m smarter than you think. Don’t you know me by now!”

“So, what’s so fascinating about this young man anyway?”

“Well, he meets everything on my list, and even more. He’s the Heir to a multinational conglomerate, tall, dark, handsome, and most importantly, very gentlemanly.”

“What’s his name?” Stacy inquired.

“He’s Efeh, and apparently from the South-south part of the country. Remember what I said about not dating anyone from the West, or a Yoruba demon specifically? Well, it appears that God has answered my prayers, finally. He’s perfect on everything abeg!”

“And you’ve suddenly deciphered all of this and reached the ultimate conclusion from a few text chats that this Efeh guy is the perfect man for you? Does this even make sense?”

“It is this pessimism that would help you remain single forever!” Bisi said angrily.

“For how long have you guys been talking?”

“Well, we only just got matched on the app 3 days ago.”

“And you’ve decided to go out with him already?”

“Stacy, what’s your problem, and why have you decided to barrage me with ridiculous questions? Or are you jealous of my newly found happiness?”

“Bisi, no nah…I know that next valentine I would undoubtedly be amongst the ‘God-When-gang’. But I’m worried about you, sincerely.”

“You don’t have to be. We’ve scheduled a date for tomorrow, and I’m all ready to set the whole of Lagos on fire. I’m meeting the perfect man of my dreams, and I’m going to make our first date perfect and memorable.”

“Alright then, if you say so…I don’t have a good feeling about online dating sites, especially guys that are too perfect with bastard money. How come he’s so perfect and single anyway?”

“Stacy, you think too much. Don’t worry, I’ve got it all under control. I’m going to get my husband tomorrow, whether the devil likes it or not. Oops, he just texted me. Aww, he’s so romantic…”

“What does the text say?”

“It reads very simply like a rich man’s text would.” Bisi squealed in excitement as she read out the message from Efeh.

I can’t wait to meet you tomorrow. Tonight, I’d go to sleep with the thought that the night would soon be over, and a damsel would bless my day tomorrow; sleep and dream of us together.

“Awnn..just short and straightforward. Just how I love my men. Stacy, Efeh is so perfect. I can’t wait to meet him tomorrow.”

“Alright then, I’d hang up now. Give me the gist about your perfect date tomorrow, send pictures, plus don’t forget to stay safe and be careful.”

“Alright, mummy!” Bisi said in excitement as she jumped off the tree.

***

Bisi walked into L’Oreal restaurant and noticed the beautiful setup made with glowing flowers and nice lighting.

The sun was just setting, and the natural glow cast an ethereal view of the beautiful restaurant.

The place was animated with individuals of all races, colors, and financial statuses, foreign couples, business professionals, and many other wanna-be elites like her that sought a chance to join the open class of the rich.

As she walked in, a waiter in blue suits and matching shoes approached her, gesturing her into the main building.

“Miss Bisi? This way, please. Your reservation is on the farther left of the hall. Mr. Efeh has asked that we take care of you properly until he gets here. He’s running a bit late.” The waiter recited as he paced her quickly towards her favorite part in the restaurant.

“What would you like to have?” The blue-colored waiter inquired. “Soda or water?”

“Water would be fine,” Bisi replied.

“What kind of water ma’am?”

“What?!” Bisi replied in astonishment.

“What kind of water would you prefer, ma’am? ” The waiter replied again, trying to be patient.

“Never mind, I’d wait for Efeh.” Bisi replied quickly, deflecting before the waiter noticed that she did not know what ‘what-kind-of-water’ was supposed to mean.

“Water no be water? What’s with all these shenanigans again? Rich people and their extravaganzas!” She muttered to herself in embarrassment as the waiter hurried away to another table.

“Gosh, this place reeks of money! I cannot wait to see the reaction on Stacy’s face when she sees my pictures with my perfect date, Efeh.”

Bisi’s phone beeped indicating a new text message from Efeh.

I’d be with you shortly. There’s been a slight traffic menace on the way.

“What a gentleman!” Bisi sighed to herself again for the umpteenth time, daydreaming her perfect date fantasy with him, as she read the text over and over.

Not long after, a tall, dark, handsome man walks into the restaurant and heads towards Bisi with a broad smile.

Even though they’d just met online a few days ago, she could feel the energy between them. She knew he liked her, and she enjoyed the strength of his company as well, especially his alertness with texting and messaging.

As he approached her table, Bisi took him in completely. He was indeed more beautiful as pictures did not do him any justice in reality.

He walked with the enigma and charisma of ten men and carried himself like the son of a rich man—which of course, he was.

Bisi’s heart sermalsulted into a thousand indecent butterflies.

Dear God, this man must wife me. I have found my husband. She muttered as a quick prayer to God for everything to work out perfectly.

At that moment, as he approached the table, Bisi pictured the both of them walking down the aisle as a couple, their first three children together, and even their 50th anniversary together.

“Dear God, he’s so perfect.”

Efeh reached her table, smiled down at her, and positioned himself comfortably into the chair opposite her. Bisi noticed how much he gripped his phone very tightly. Like he was anxious about something. He smiled very broadly at her, and Bisi felt calm like never before.

He was not only rich but he was kind as well.

“Hi…” Bisi stated. “You look even more appealing in real life. Your pictures don’t do you justice at all.”

Bisi stared at Efeh and expected him to reply with a comment as well. However, he continued to type away on his phone like there was something serious he wanted to say through it.

Bisi assumed he was only just shy, or probably had a serious work issue or deadline to beat before the start of their date. Hence, that would explain his sudden fascination with his phone.

Bisi attempted again, trying to flirt with him.

“What a… nice place… I would love to come here every day—with you of course.”

Efeh stared silently at his phone typing away furiously like he could not hear, or see her.

Bisi suddenly began to wonder whether she had become a ghost.

She reached across the table and attempted to touch his arm.

He looked up at her, smiled broadly, and continued seriously with his phone again without saying a word or making a single sound.

Bisi started to get worried. This was not what her perfect date with Mr. Rich and Perfect was supposed to look like.

Why was he acting like she was invisible?

Simultaneously, her phone beeped. It was a message from Efeh.

Why on Earth was he texting her when she was right in front of him?

What game was he playing?

Bisi looked up at him and noticed that Efeh was staring very strangely at her with that same smile as if prodding her on with his eyes.

Bisi tapped the screen saver of her phone and read the text from him.

Hi Bisi, it’s nice to meet you too. I must remark that you are indeed beautiful and your lips are even much more stunning.

Bisi looked up from the text and noticed that Efeh was still smiling away at her as she read on.

I am deaf-mute, but I must confess that I’m in love with you already, and I’d love to marry you if you’d agree to marry me. That too, immediately, I think I’m in love with everything about you.

“What??!!” Bisi exclaimed loudly, suddenly dropping her phone immediately. Simultaneously standing up and unconsciously pitching her voice in the quiet restaurant.

“Deaf-mute? Like ‘E…be…be’??” Bisi responded by gesturing funnily to her mouth and ears. “Like you’re deaf? Not just deaf but dumb as well?”

Everyone’s head turned in their direction.

“God!! My village people have gotten the better of me today!”

“I’ve gone to match myself with a freak on a dating app. What would I tell my Yoruba mother?”

Bisi’s phone beeped again.

Would you marry me?

“God forbid. Never! I don’t have deaf-mutism featured in my plan!” Bisi screamed angrily as she stood up from her seat abruptly.

Sending Efeh into a space of confusion as he could not understand what was happening.

The entire restaurant was staring strangely at her for shouting out loud.

Efeh, upon seeing her reaction, stands up and attempts to placate her with a hug.

Bisi screamed immediately “Don’t touch me.” Even though she knew that he could not hear her.

“What kind of ironic life is this?” Bisi muttered bitterly to herself as she stormed out.

How would she ever show her face to Stacy again?

Her perfect date just got ruined. Her Mr. Right was deaf and dumb!

What a ruined fairytale.

Online dating sites suck after all.

All images are sourced from pexels.com.