Thistles And Thorns

“Uduak Okon. Aged 24 years. Time of death: 7:33 am. Cause of death: rupture of the brain vessels due to extreme orgasm. Is this you?”

My cheeks blushed crimson as I heard the cause of my death. I had just finished climaxing from the best sex of my life when everything turned grey at first, before becoming pitch black.

As I fell forward, I noticed how the satisfied look on Eket’s face slowly turned into worry. He was no longer heaving from pleasure and his desperate attempts to shake me back to life proved futile.

As expected.

I had always wondered why humans tried to shake the person and call their names when they were on the verge of dying. As if an unimpressive act like that would have any effect on a supernatural phenomenon like death.

Wait, if I died while having premarital sex, does this mean I’m going to hell?! I’m so fucked! Fuck!

I dared not to look at the grim reaper in the eyes. From the corners of my eyes, all I could see was his black robe and scythe. It was more than necessary information because it was all I needed to know that my end had come.

I found my fingers pinching my skin while my mind desperately tried to convince itself that everything that was happening was a nightmare God was using to punish me for fornicating again.

Lesson learnt, Father. I promise I won’t fornicate again. Please, save me from this nightmare I’ve gotten myself into.

“No one is going to hear your prayers now. It is too late to pray. You should have done that while you still had breath in your lungs. It’s the same mistake all of you humans make.”

So I am dead?! I’m really going to hell right now?! For all eternity?!? Oh God, I’m so scared. Jesus, help me. I’m so sorry. Save me.

“You lot simply don’t listen, do you? It’s too late for that. Besides, it’s not my duty to guide you to where you will be spending your afterlife. My job is simply to guide you through the boundary that separates the land of the living and the afterlife. So, I can’t say if you’ll be going to hell or not. Now, shut up.”

“Really? So, I might not be sent to hell?? Thank goodness! My prayers have been heard. I’m so happy! Wait a minute… How did you know what I was thinking? I never said those words out loud.”

I could hear the frustration in his sigh as he let out cold air into the darkness.

“It’s obvious you weren’t a reader while you were alive. Any bright person would know that a grim reaper possesses supernatural powers including clairvoyance. I have telepathic powers, cowgirl.”

I blushed even harder as graphic images of my last ride with my boyfriend flooded my mind. I had finished off in the cowgirl position, which must be why the grim reaper behind me was calling me ‘cowgirl’. It was a good joke, but that was the problem.

Were grim reapers always this chatty and witty? This one even had an interesting sense of humour.

“I have to ask… are you a grim reaper? My cause of death still seems shady to me and now an even shadier grim reaper seems to be leading me to nowhere. Not to mention, he’s being extremely nice and chatty. He even has a sense of humour. Is this a joke? Am I being pranked? Where are the cameras? Hello, guys! This joke isn’t funny anymore! Let’s just put a stop to it now. Lesson learnt.”

I was still waving wildly about, hoping in the deepest parts of my heart that I would see Eket jump out laughing with a bunch of other people and crew members from the prank they were playing.

Nothing.

“You think this is a joke? Alright.”

He flicked his skeletal fingers and two huge beasts appeared. One looked like a half boar- half tiger. The second beast was also a chimaera and they both jumped to attack us.

I screamed louder than my little lungs would suggest and reflexively cowered in fear as if it would somehow protect me from getting harmed. After ten embarrassing seconds, I noticed that nothing had happened.

There were no sounds or signs of life moving about so I hoisted myself up, only to lock eyes with the half boar-half tiger chimaera. It was frozen in time. Eyes darted both ways feverishly as if angry or scared or even confused.

One of its claws glittered close to my puffy cheeks and I realized that if the grim reaper had been a second late, I really would have been a goner. Again, I stared at its big, wild paws. It remained stuck in limbo, its hefty body stuck in mid-air as the grim reaper turned to address me again.

“Still think I am a joke?”

I swallowed hard. Of course, I didn’t think he was a joke. He just summoned otherworldly creatures out of nowhere and stopped time. He wasn’t a joke. I swallowed hard again before responding.

“No, s-sir.”

“Good.”

We continued walking without uttering a single word. There were no more sounds in the world as even the swaying trees dared not utter a sound in the grim reaper’s wake. I stared ahead with all the focus my confused brain could muster. What I truly needed to worry about lay ahead of me.

The fate of my eternity was waiting for me at the end of the river. Uncertain about how much longer I would have to wait to know whether I’d be spending my eternity in paradise, I decide to ask the grim reaper.

“He-Hello s-sir. I wanted to know how much longer it would take us to get to the boundary. I’m really scared about where I’ll be spending my eternity.”

“Soon.”

Soon. It was all the information he provided. He made it obvious that I was too insignificant in the affairs of the world for him to waste his breath on me. It was enough though. It wasn’t like I had any means to get him to say more than he wanted to.

The silence that ensued afterwards was palpable. The river and trees continued to remain as deathly still as ever. Nothing dared defy the intimidating reaper but I couldn’t help the silence anymore. Since I was already dead, it wasn’t like he could kill me again.

“There is someone who can kill you twice you know? Let’s hope you don’t have to experience that.”

I swallowed hard, remembering the verse of the Bible I had heard oh so often during Sunday school classes that I chatted away on the phone with Eket. It said something about not fearing the person who could kill only the body but the one who could kill both soul and body.

Visibly shaking under my clothes, I hugged myself to stay warm. Since I had little time left before I either enjoyed eternal peace or anguish, I might as well enjoy a conversation with the grim reaper that seemed to have an interesting sense of humour.

“What would you like to talk about?”

Brows knit in confusion, I was about to ask Him how he knew that I wanted to share a conversation with him when I remembered that he had already mentioned that he had telepathic powers.

Besides, he did it earlier with the Bible verse, dumbass. Let’s not get insulted again, alright? This might be my last real conversation. What should I talk about?…

“You said you’re clairvoyant, which means you know everything that concerns my life from start to finish.”

“Yes?”

I couldn’t look him in the face. Obviously. Yet, I could have sworn that I was sure that he had responded with one eyebrow raised to his hairline.

If he had any of those features.

Fear automatically blinded me from checking out his features. Still, there was a strange comfort I felt around him that made me open my mouth thoughtlessly to ask him a question.

“Why?”

“Why what?”

“Why me?”

A very long pause.

It seemed like he understood the full weight of my question, and decided to weigh the pros and cons of replying before he eventually did.

“You chose it.”

“Chose what?”

“The life you ended up with.”

Another long pause. This time, from my end.

I took my time reliving each moment. It was scattered at first, bits of my childhood mixed with memories of my teen years. All of them were painful memories until I decided to remember everything in a chronological manner, starting from my earliest years until the moment I took in my last breath in Eket’s room.

I noticed there were a few happy moments sprinkled in between the tragedies. Actually, they were more than a few, but it hadn’t felt like that while I was alive. It had felt like my enter life had been one big tragedy then, with no silver lining whatsoever. Things always went from worse to worst. There was no “good”. They were always just “bad”.

Again, I thought about why humans always found it easier to recollect painful memories instead of the ones they were happy in. For a kind that loved to dwell and spend a lot on whatever made them happy, you would think it was their happy memories they would etch deep into their souls and remember first.

I wasn’t any different.

“So you’re saying I chose to lose my mom to cancer when I was ten and get gang raped when I was fifteen?! I chose to get pregnant for one of those faceless bastards and abort the child? I chose to live with that deep regret and stigma all my life? I chose to become a nymph and jump from one man to the other because I loved it? Enjoyed the name calling? I chose it???”

“Asides from events that were out of your control like your mom’s death and getting raped, the rest were as a result of your choice. You chose it.”

I looked at him with horror filled eyes. He had to be joking.

I chose this???

“Let me get this straight. By I chose this, do you mean it was already predestined in the heavens before my mother conceived me? You know, like how some cultures believe that man chooses the destiny he wants to live out with his God before he is conceived. Are you saying it’s something like that?”

“No. I’m not talking about determinism. I mean everything that has happened has been as a result of your free will choices. You chose them.”

He even knows philosophical theories too. Were grim reapers always this knowledgeable?

“We’ve lived long enough to know a lot about a lot of things. Stop looking down on me or I’ll quickly give you a brief lesson like I did earlier.”

The hairs on my neck stood straight, as did my back. I didn’t need any other lesson to be set straight.

“Uduak Okon. You lived through many hardships, as did other humans that God created on earth. No one made you become a nymph after getting gang raped. Yes, you lost your mother, but you had two options.

You could have dwelled on your misfortune or you could have made the best out of it. In life, there are two kinds of people – those that want to be pitied and those that want to be powerful. You chose to be pitied and live your life in regrets.

There were thousands of others that were going through worse challenges at the same time you were. Still, they chose to draw strength from their happy memories and push forward to create a better tomorrow for themselves. Instead of complaining, they invented.”

“So, you’re saying my miserable life was my fault.”

“Humans have the supernatural powers to change their fate. It is an ability that only gods possess. I guess in a way, we can say that humans are gods. Yet, they live pitiful lives and berate themselves so another human can make them feel better about themselves.”

I thought hard about everything the grim reaper had said. Again, I had heard similar things during one of the sermons I was busy recording snapchat videos for Eket. I was such a fool then.

It’s too late now.

“You got that right. It’s too late now. Humans have the supernatural ability to change their fate. But, only when they are alive. After death, they lose that godlike power. Just as you have now.

Now, let me ask you. Do you know the meaning of your name?”

I looked up at him, confusion written all over my face.

“Uduak means Will.
It also means Desire.”

I hadn’t known that. However, it would explain a lot. One of them being why I was such a sensual person. I ended up dying as a nymph, the value of sex reduced to a hot meal and nothing more. I had loved Eket but I knew he deserved better so I kept things casual between us till the day I died.

Even though I knew in my heart that he loved me and wanted to give me the world.

“Will. Desire. Two very interesting names that could have worked for you in a thousand ways but you chose to let go of your will. You allowed only sexual desire control you. You let the thistles and thorns in your garden scare you away. You stopped seeing the beautiful roses around you and chose to focus on the thorns. You chose to live the life you led.”

Truly there had been happy memories. Rainbows after scary storms. Silver linings in gray clouds, but somehow I had forgotten all of them while I was alive. It made me give up and lose my self control. I lost will and passion to do anything productive for myself and only gave in to sex. I really could have lived my life out differently.

Regret burning the corners of my eyes, I refused to give in to the tears that were clawing at my throat. I blinked twice and told myself that I would accept whatever lied ahead of me, regardless of what it was.

“It might not be as easy as you think. We just arrived at our destination.”

Ahead, the largest waterfall I had ever seen roared undaunted. It stood humongous, making any human that approached it realize how small they were irrespective of whoever they had been while they were alive.

I felt humbled and insignificant before it. And again, I was reminded about a choir song I had surprisingly listened to attentively during one Sunday service. It talked about how great God is. Looking at the waterfall again, I was sure they didn’t understand the weight of the words they had sung that day.

“Brace yourself. Our journey ends right after we cross the waterfall. Your fate will be decided then. Goodluck.”

I swallowed hard again, unsure of what lied ahead of me and the eternity I would end up receiving.

All images are sourced from istockphoto